The Wedding

“I’ll Be Waving as You Drive Back Into Town for Our Wedding”; or

Stupid Mary’s Revenge

(a recap by Will Kaiser)

Title: The Wedding

Airdate: November 6, 1978

Written by Arthur Heinemann

Directed by Michael Landon

SUMMARY IN A NUTSHELL: Mary gets married, but not before having a royal freakout.

RECAP: Welcome to our 100th recap! (I think.) Very grateful to all of you who’ve stuck with us this far.

But enough sentimentality, there’s work to be done.

The curtain rises . . . and we suddenly realize we’re back in Winoka! 

(Either that, or Boswell, Minnesota.)

Winoka’s streets are as busy as ever. But this time we don’t recognize any of the Winokans.

None, that is, except Professor Adam Kendall, who’s pacing on the porch of the Blind School.

DAGNY: Now those are some high-waisted pants.

OLIVE: Yeah. They give him a nice hourglass figure.

(Olive was home for Fall Break.)

This is the first time we’ve seen the whole Blind School building from the outside, I think. It’s strange, because when we’re inside, there seems to be no shortage of windows, but the outside has just one, right next to the front door.

Adam goes inside and starts making a speech in which he addresses Mary commandingly.

He says, “You and I have known each other how long, almost a year?”

Hm.

Well, I hate to take us on a side trip when we’re just one minute 45 seconds in . . . but “almost a year” won’t do. 

By my calculations, even if this story picks up immediately where “Harriet’s Happenings” left off (and I don’t know that it does, to quote Mrs. O herself), it’s actually almost three years in Little House Universal Time (LHUT) since Mary enrolled in the Burton School for the Blind.

Mary’s vision was gone by the fall of 1881 in the G timeline. She attended the Burton School over that winter (another mild one), graduating in the spring.

She and the rest of the Ingallses immediately packed up and moved from Minnesota to the Dakota Territory. 

The family stayed in Winoka until late June of the following year, since their adventures there included a football game in November and the leadup to the Fourth of July holiday, in that order.

Mr. Hanson died four or five months after they returned.

The following spring, the Ingallses adopted Fagin the calf, whom Albert raised for six months before the family took him to the Brown County Fair in late summer or early fall. (They adopted Albert as well, though not formally.)

Around the same time, Sterling Murdock arrived in Walnut Grove to establish The Pen & Plow, but that publication, a weekly, folded after only six issues.

So, do the math, it makes it nearly three years since Pa and Mary first departed for Iowa.

And when you factor in that the calendar mysteriously reset to 1880 in “The Winoka Warriors” (see Time Travel), it’s perfectly simple: “The Wedding” must be set in 1882-H at the earliest.

Adam is quite nervous in this scene, so I expect he simply misspoke, Walzishly, about the length of their relationship.

For it’s now revealed that Mary actually isn’t even in the room. Adam is in fact practicing this speech – a proposal.

Satisfied with his prep, Adam crosses the hall to talk to the real Mary.

DAGNY: Why do they even have lamps in this school? They don’t need them.

WILL: It’s so Mr. Ames can see at night.

DAGNY: Who?

WILL: The principal or bookkeeper or whatever he is. 

DAGNY: Well, they should just make him live as if he’s blind, so he can empathize with the students.

AMELIA: I think the lamps probably just came with the building, guys.

“Mary, I want you to hear me out without any interruptions!” Adam says, and Mary replies, “Certainly!” 

You can tell she’s used to him talking at her like this. Adam’s one of my favorite characters, but there are fans who see him as a pushy, somewhat cold control freak, and I can see that too.

Adam stands there a moment opening and closing his mouth like a gulper eel, then says, “I have to go to the Post Office! I’ll be right back.”

He marches back into the hall, where Sue (Farley?) Goodspeed and some other students are passing through. 

Adam stops and berates himself for chickening out, then turns and goes back.

Mary laughs at her idiot boyfriend when he returns, declaring, “Whatever it is, I promise you I won’t interrupt.”

Abandoning his prepared remarks, Adam says, “You know, the school’s getting way too crowded, and I think you should give up your room.”

DAGNY: His hair’s really unkempt in this one. Did Landon do it for him? Looks awful.

Mary asks where she would sleep, and Adam says well, you know, you could always just sleep with me.

“Adam Kendall, that’s not funny,” Mary says coolly. (Probably because they’re already cohabiting most nights, and she feels guilty about it.)

Adam skips to the point and says he’s proposing.

Mary breaks into a lovely smile and says, “That’s the most ridiculous proposal I ever heard.”

Adam mutters, “I should have gone to the Post Office.” Ha!

Mary takes his arm and says she’ll join him in going to the Post Office, so she can telegram home and tell them about the engagement.

Adam pants and gasps with excitement.

DAGNY: Did he actually have a real orgasm just now?

WILL: I doubt it. We see him wearing the same pants later on.

OLIVE: Okay, too far, guys.

AMELIA: It’s good they’re getting married. Adam’s the most interesting thing that ever happened to her. 

OLIVE: Well, she did go blind.

DAGNY: And had multiple surgeries.

WILL: And fought off a pack of wild dogs with a pitchfork.

DAGNY: And escaped from a cult.

OLIVE: And was kidnapped by Jesse James!

AMELIA: . . . Well, Adam’s in the top ten.

Cut to the Chonkywagon coming full tilt boogie down Little House Way!

Charles leaps out and screams for Caroline.

He hands her the telegram as Laura, Albert and Bandit come running.

A beat behind as usual, Carrie trundles up to the group as well.

“My baby’s getting married!” Ma cries, and Carrie slurps, “Grace???”

OLIVE: Oh boy, Carrie.

Laura and Albert also snort at this idiocy.

Ma says the wedding will be August 15th – just three weeks away. (So that puts us in July of 1883-H, when Mary and Adam would have known each other going on four years.)

Laura asks if they’re all gonna go, and Pa says, “We’ll see.”

AMELIA: Huh? They might not take Laura along?

(Amelia always gets bored when it’s a Laura-lite episode.)

Ma cries her patented Mary-Related Tears of Joy, and Pa takes her inside to make her some tea.

Carrie slurps, “I’m never gettin’ married. It makes Ma sad.”

AMELIA [as ALBERT]: “Oh, you’re so STUPID, Carrie!”

OLIVE [as LAURA]: “Yeah, get back in your box, Carrie!”

Carrie goes on a little while longer, but mercifully we cut to the Common Room that night.

Pa tells the kids that if they go by wagon, they’ll never make it to Winoka in time for the wedding. We figured Winoka was probably twice as far away as Mankato (in the opposite direction). That means by wagon it’d be about a week each way. 

If the wedding’s three weeks out, I think they could make it; but of course there’d be all those extra bathroom breaks, so maybe not.

And of course travel time is just one of the inconveniences another such trip would entail.

Pa says he and Ma will take the train, but they can’t afford to take everybody. He appoints Laura as Leader while they’re gone.

OLIVE: That’s interesting, considering Albert is the same age and technically “the man of the house.”

Carrie suddenly slurps, “I can take care of Baby Grace I’ve even changed her when she does Two and it really smells awful!”

AMELIA: Is that the longest sentence Carrie has ever spoken?

Indeed, we were so taken aback by this flood of talk that at first we didn’t even catch its revolting meaning.

The Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English says “Number Two” dates to the late Nineteenth Century. It’s all too obvious where Carrie encountered such a coarse expression.

Ma says unfortunately the Garveys will be out of town while they’re gone (she doesn’t say where they’re going, or for how long), so if there’s trouble they’ll have to deal with it themselves.

DAGNY: Is there going to be another fire or dog attack or something? They’re really setting this up.

In the past, Mrs. Whipple would also sometimes check on the kids, but sadly she’s no longer with us.

The next morning, Harriet Oleson tries to sell Ma and Pa a gilt clock as a wedding gift for Mary.

DAGNY: That clock again. They must have wanted to get their money’s worth out of the prop.

WILL: But Mrs. Foster took it without paying last week, where’d this one come from?

DAGNY: The Mercantile must have had a few. Or maybe she had Willie go steal it back.

Caroline says they’d rather bring a gift that has more practical value, and Mrs. O says, “Aha, yes, I understand perfectly, you can’t afford it.”

AMELIA: God, Oleson’s a bitch.

But Harriet takes Caroline to show her some other stuff and Pa just chuckles. So I guess all that “Albert’s probably Charles’s bastard child” business is forgiven and forgotten. Well, it has been almost a year.

Then Charles notices a pssssst coming from the storeroom.

It’s Nels, who gives him a beautiful little jewelry box with a mechanical bird and says it’s the family’s gift to Mary.

The bird really whistles, which is a nice touch, since the ideal present for Mary would be one she could hear rather than see.

Charles starts to protest about the expense, but Nels stops him and says, “That little girl has been my pet since the first day she walked into the store.”

AMELIA: Creepy way to put it, Nels.

OLIVE: Yeah. Charles should punch him out.

But Nels always has liked the Ing-Gals and helped them whenever he could.

Mary even worked for him a while, if you recall.

(He did always seem fonder of Laura, though.)

Then Nels sheepishly asks Charles not to tell Harriet what the gift was.

Charles gives him one of those big tight hugs and says, “Thank you, friend.” It’s a really nice scene.

We cut to the Reverend Alden, then, carrying his porta-lectern into the church.

DAGNY: Aldi has to carry his pulpit around everywhere? Seriously?

Enter Caroline and Charles.

The Rev congratulates them warmly, saying Mary is “not a child any longer.”

DAGNY: That comb-over’s gotta go.

Melissa Sue Anderson was just sixteen when this episode aired, but if Mary was eleven when the family arrived in Walnut Grove, the character could be between the ages of 53 and 57 now, if we assume all the events of the series are presented strictly in sequence. (See Dating Controversies.)

Ma and Pa tell him they wish he could perform the service himself; but when they mention the date, Alden says it just might work to travel out there and do it. 

In this scene, Ma looks very tired in the long shots but not in the closeups. 

DAGNY: Her bra looks great again. They must have invented a new kind of bra in 1978 that she’s been wearing all season.

Rev. Alden says he’ll be in “Creighton,” a place never mentioned before, which he implies is closer to Winoka than Walnut Grove is. 

There’s no Creighton in Minnesota. There is one in South Dakota, but it didn’t exist in the 1880s, and besides, it’s 300 miles west of where we estimated Winoka is.

Near the Badlands, Creighton is twenty miles north of Wall, home of the famous Wall Drug, a strangely popular tourist attraction along the road to the Black Hills from the east.

Aldi adds, “I’ve made longer trips for less joyous reasons!”

Caroline suddenly leaps forward screaming and plants a huge kiss on the Rev. 

WILL/DAGNY/AMELIA/OLIVE: Oh my God!

Not. An. Exaggeration.

WILL: Well, she does love him. Even thinking about him gets her in the mood.

Speaking of excitement, Alden quivers and jiggles and wobbles and wiggles.

DAGNY: Is Dabbs Greer gonna have an orgasm too?

Aldi says he’ll plan to be there, but asks them not to get Mary’s hopes up, in case, I don’t know, there’s a dust storm or something and he can’t make it.

Cut to the same old “red bell” shot of the Number Three train in Springfield, first used in “‘I’ll Ride the Wind,’” I think.

The train is occupied mostly by elderly people.

DAGNY: Ooh, look at that red hat.

We see Nels has come along so the Ingalls kids can say goodbye and he can drive them back to Walnut Grove.

“Thank you, Mr. Oleson,” Ma says. I’m surprised she’s so formal with Good Old Nels, but I’m sure it indicates her respect. She is the squarest member of the family, and arguably the squarest person in town – rivaled only, perhaps, by Nels himself.

DAGNY: Oh, she’s wearing Stiffy Bonnet. That’s her sexy travel-slash-funeral bonnet.

Now, Stiffy Bonnet is not to be confused with Stiff Bonnet, a similarly stiff hat in red that hasn’t been seen since Season Two.

Ma does a fussy extended goodbye like she did in “Ma’s Holiday,” kissing each child individually. (I guess it would be hard to kiss them all at once.)

“We’ll see you a week from Thursday!” Pa says to the kids. (If our previous calculations are correct, it should take them sixteen hours on the train to reach Winoka – with transfers and delays, let’s say it’s a two-day trip each way.) 

(Now, let’s say they’re departing on a Saturday. That means they’ll be staying in the Dakota Territory a week exactly, which seems about right. But how are they affording this trip, and where will they stay? I would think the Dakota is out of the question, given how they left things with Miles Standish.)

Once Nels and the kids have gone, Carl the Flunky comes up the aisle wearing fake burnsides and punches their tickets.

OLIVE: This is what it was like coming home on the Borealis.

Pa tells Ma to stop worrying so much, and she says she will; but then she immediately starts saying she’s worried again.

DAGNY: This is like me telling you to stop being so negative about everything, Will.

WILL: I know. That’s hopeless too.

Then we see the train barreling through the night – coming straight at the camera, in fact.

OLIVE: Whoa, cool.

DAGNY: It’s scary!

The shot is clearly modeled on the famous “Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat,” the 1895 film by Auguste and Louis Lumière which allegedly panicked the audience at its premiere. 

We also notice that this is no longer the Number Three, but the McCloud Railway No. 25. (As I said, they probably had a transfer.) 

DAGNY: Ah!!!

The Number 25 was another “movie train” that was used in films including Stand By Me.

Back in the Dakota T, David Rose gives us “The Winoka Rag,” the wacky tune he used in the Toby Noe episode.

The streets are as busy as ever, and we see the Dakota and representations of some other familiar brands: J.B. Tyler & Sons, the Palace Theatre, the A-1 Tool and Hardware cart. For a moment, it’s as if we never left.

OLIVE: I bet the horses had fun on this set. They love to perform. They’re task-driven animals.

Olive usually knows what she’s talking about where horses are concerned. She once had a joke published in Blaze: The Magazine for Horse-Crazy Kids.

Herbert Diamond is also there. Did Mary invite him to the wedding? Seems unlikely; probably just there on other business.

In spite of how much they hated the place, Ma and Pa are all smiles as they survey the old neighborhood from their stagecoach.

DAGNY: Is that Mustache Man driving them?

WILL: It can’t be, he’s back in Walnut Grove.

DAGNY: That makes sense.

AMELIA: No it doesn’t.

They see Mary and Adam waiting for them in front of the Blind School and start screaming out the windows. Mary smiles and waves.

WILL: “I’ll Be Waving as You Drive Back Into Town for Our Wedding.”

Ma and Pa jump out, and Ma greets the young people ecstatically. She sounds a little altered. Probably snuck some laudanum to dampen the old anxiety for the trip. (See Ma’s Laudanum Addiction.)

Ma kisses Mary, telling her she looks beautiful, and Pa says, “I never thought of you looking beautiful, Adam, but it’s good to see you.”

AMELIA: Homophobia much, Chuck?

Adam introduces us to yet another wormy minister, the Reverend Corliss. This one looks a little like Captain Stubing (only wormier).

Rev. Corliss is played by Lou Fant, who was on Highway to Heaven and in Airport 1975.

He was also in the Michael Mullins/Lisa Reeves vehicle The Pom Pom Girls and the Hugh MacGregor vehicle Looking for Mr. Goodbar.

Most notably, perhaps, Fant was a sign-language coach who worked on movies including Children of a Lesser God and The Clan of the Cave Bear, and he will return to our show in Season Six’s sign-language-featurin’ “Silent Promises.”

Then Pa tells Rev. Corliss he’d like to talk to him about the wedding logistics.

OLIVE: Do you think he’ll be pissed when he hears Reverend Alden wants to do the ceremony?

DAGNY: Not if he still gets paid.

Corliss says he’s happy to help, and Charles says he appreciates that – or, more accurately, ’preciates it.

DAGNY: Ever notice how Landon truncates words by dropping the first syllable? He must think it makes him sound poor. Like, “’preciate it,” or “’frigerate it.” I mean, not like he ever says “’frigerate it.”

Ma kisses Mary again.

Later, a cigar-chewing man conducts Charles and Caroline to their room, which actually does turn out to be at the Dakota. (Chuck must have tipped the Cigar Chewer a ha’penny not to tell Standish.)

Ma is disgusted that the hotel is filthy and the bed unmade.

OLIVE: Totally Grandma Kaiser.

(Caroline still seems a little out of it. Maybe Grassle was sick?)

She immediately starts wiping down surfaces, and Charles says, “When ya get through cleaning here, you oughta go down and look at the kitchen. I bet that’s really a mess, why don’t you just stay down there and clean it right up?” 

There were tuts from our gallery at this, but when they show Pa, he’s wearing one of his shit-eating goofy looks and it’s clear he’s joking.

Ma realizes this too, and throws her dirty dust-cloth at him.

Later, we see the school from the darkened street. The Standish Dairy cart is rolling by, so I assumed it was morning, but apparently it’s the same evening. Why would the milkman be out and about then? I suppose the cart could just be one of Standish’s surveillance drones patrolling the city.

The Ingallses and Adam are catching up in the dining hall. Pa says he’s already looking forward to grandchildren, and he and Ma launch into horror stories about how hard it is to keep little kids out of trouble. 

(Interestingly, none of their main examples are specifically from this show, though Pa does mention how Carrie falls into Plum Creek all the time.)

The most harrowing tale involves toddler Mary disappearing from the house in Wisconsin during a snowstorm. (Obviously, she lived.)

The conversation’s all lighthearted, but Mary gets a faraway look on her face. (A difficult feat for an actor to accomplish without moving their eyes.)

The party breaks up. Pa says they’ll show themselves out.

OLIVE [as CHARLES]: “Because we can see.”

Adam notices something’s amiss about Mary’s manner, but she pooh-poohs that notion.

AMELIA: Is she upset because her sibbies aren’t there? I would be.

OLIVE: Aw.

DAGNY: That falling-down wall is so fake. They didn’t spend enough time shitting it up.

Mary says she’s fine, when they part, David Rose gives us her John-Carpenter-type horror music as she hears the scary stories echoing in her mind.

DAGNY/OLIVE [simultaneously]: Oh, I get it.

That night, Caroline and Charles lie in bed in their hotel room, listening to devilishly hot ragtime from the saloon once more.

DAGNY: Is Pa looking on his phone?

OLIVE: He does look like he’s scrolling.

WILL: Yeah. [as CHARLES:] “Caroline, did you get the Wi-Fi password at the desk?”

AMELIA [as CHARLES]: “Swipe right.”

Ma is psychoanalyzing Mary.

WILL: The door should open and it’s Standish. [as STANDISH:] “All right, Ingalls, get out!”

That’s about it for this scene . . . but it’s worth noting it’s a non-popcorn night, despite them having a room to themselves AND being on vacation.

The next morning, Pa meet Rev. Corliss at the church, conveniently located right next to the Blind School.

Ma finds Mary in the school. She’s still depressed, and Ma is carrying a white box.

Apparently there’s going to be a school picnic tomorrow. Mary says the students “wanted to do something special for you.” (Again, why these kids are so fond of Mary’s parents is not explained. But maybe it was just a good excuse to lobby for a picnic.)

Ma opens the box and says, “I brought you something.”

It’s a simple sort of flour-sack dress, with detailed white lace for the trim. It’s nice.

OLIVE: It’s purple?

WILL: Would you call that purple? Looks more blue to me.

OLIVE: Purplish-blue.

WILL: Lavender?

OLIVE: Periwinkle.

Mary recognizes it by touch as the dress Caroline herself was married in.

“Yours now,” Ma says joyfully, and kisses Mary again.

AMELIA: Ma’s really kissy in this one.

Mary is stunned, saying she had just planned to wear her “good dress.”

WILL [as MA:] “Oh, no. That one makes you look like a Jezebel.”

I wonder why Ma didn’t bring the fancy gown Mary wore to the Cotillion in Chicago? It’s a lot grander than this one, though of course not as sentimental.

Mary suddenly starts ugly-crying. Not tears of joy.

Ma assumes it’s just cold feet, but Mary won’t actually articulate what the problem is.

Mary says she wants to talk to Adam about it, and Ma kisses her again.

AMELIA: God, another kiss?

That night, Adam comes down the hall to Mary’s room.

AMELIA: Those pants ARE high-waisted.

Mary’s there, but doesn’t say anything to him for a minute, and he asks if she’s there.

Mary speaks then, but her manner is strange again, and Adam jokes that she’s having second thoughts.

Then, when he reaches out to touch her hair, she gets up and moves away.

Because she is having second thoughts. First she calls him out on not knowing she was in the room.

WILL: I think he would have known. The place is pretty quiet, and he would hear her breathing.

DAGNY: I bet he could smell her, too. It was the Nineteenth Century.

Then Mary tells him that since they’re both blind, they aren’t fit to be safe parents.

Sensibly, Adam argues that they run a school and have managed to keep all their students safe. 

But equally sensibly, Mary says having a sighted child would present challenges for them that their students don’t.

WILL: Well, the child might be blind as well. And if not, well, they could keep it blindfolded forever.

AMELIA: Oh my God, Dad.

Adam tries softening the conversation, but Mary’s voice becomes cold and sharp and she says, “I don’t want to marry you.”

DAGNY: So, is she going to wait for a sighted husband?

AMELIA: Yeah, is she gonna marry Mr. Ames instead?

Professor Kendall launches into a lecture about how wrong she is, but it’s gentle. What happened to the Adam who could crush Mary’s will like a sledgehammer hitting an egg?

Adam says, “Can we just talk about it tomorrow?”

Mary snaps, “This is tomorrow!”, which makes zero sense.

OLIVE: Huh?

AMELIA: She’s so stupid.

DAGNY: She’s so stupid.

WILL: She’s so stupid.

Then, to grim, epic music from the Rose, Adam briefly goes berserk.

He slams the door and stomps around the room making loud sarcastic comments. 

WILL: I used to be the same way.

DAGNY: Used to be?

He yells oh yeah, God forbid they should have a child who isn’t blind!

OLIVE: Yikes, the real blind kids can totally hear that.

Mary is crying silently.

Then Adam opens the door, saying, “Don’t say anything to the children until after the picnic tomorrow.”

OLIVE: Wow. I love this one.

DAGNY: That was a good scene. They’ve put a lot of care into the writing. Which writer was it?

WILL: I didn’t catch it.

AMELIA [looking it up]: Arthur Heinemann.

WILL: Oh. “Doctor’s Lady ” fame.

WILL: He also wrote the handyman one.

DAGNY: Ah, now THAT makes sense.

WILL: You know, Adam could always have a vasectomy.

DAGNY: Was that done then? I wouldn’t think such a patriarchal society would allow it.

It was done in the late Nineteenth Century – but only to sterilize “degenerates.” (Good Lord, humanity.)

AMELIA: Well, Mary is so stupid.

DAGNY: She’s always been like this, though. This is totally Mary. Laura would never have a freakout like this. Mary’s more vulnerable.

WILL: And yet, she’s also the dark one.

Over in their hotel room, the Ingallses are perusing reading material: newspaper for Pa, Bible for Ma.

The saloon must have burned down again, because the piano is quiet for once.

There’s a knock, and, thinking it’s the Cigar Chewer, Charles goes to the door – only it’s Adam, in tears. 

Adam throws his arms around Charles, who isn’t called The Father Of Us All for nothing.

WILL [as ADAM:] “Poppa Ingalls!”

Ma looks at them, secure in the knowledge Charles doesn’t find Adam beautiful, but knowing her worst fears have come true all the same.

After a commercial, we come back to some merry dance music.

AMELIA: Are they playing “Jump in the Line”?

We see we’re arriving in the midst of the Blind School picnic, and the music is being provided Charles Ingalls on the fake harmonica.

WILL: Oh come on, Pa can play the harmonica?

AMELIA: You don’t believe he could?

WILL: Oh, I believe he could. I just think if he did we would have seen it by now.

The synching of the harmonica sound with Landon’s “playing” isn’t as bad as it was with Crazy Old Man Wiggins in “There’s No Place Like Home,” but it continues to be a weak spot for this show.

All the kids are clapping along, but Mary, Adam, and Ma just stare forward glumly.

The music goes on for a VERY LONG TIME.

We get a good look at each blind kid. Sue Goodspeed and Thomas the Blond Freckle-Faced Moppet are the only two I recognize, though.

[But some of you recognized them! I know I say this a lot, but I seriously adore the readers of this blog. You put my research to shame, but that’s exactly why I love you! Jens writes that one of the Blind School kids is played by Christopher Bowman, who grew up to be a championship figure skater, albeit a troubled one.]

[He also had a bit part in The Lost Boys, a classic vampire movie from my youth.]

[Despite not having any lines in “The Wedding,” Bowman does receive a credit (as “George.”)]

[Thank you, Jens!]

Mary looks sweaty as hell.

Ma gets up suddenly and marches away, and Pa finally stops honking and tonking.

The kids cheer, not noticing he quit in the middle of a phrase. (This seems unlikely, given half the blind students we meet are musical prodigies.)

Sue cries, “More, Mr. Ingalls! Please, play another one!”

WILL [as SUE GOODSPEED, hysterically]: “GOD BLESS YOU, MR. INGALLS!!!”

But Pa excuses himself, and Adam announces a competitive three-legged race.

WILL: Junior Standish and his friends should be watching the race and betting on it.

Pa follows Ma, who says, “If only there was something we could do . . . to make Mary come to her senses.” 

AMELIA: Go slap her silly, Ma!

Pa says, “It’s the same Mary we saw when she went blind.”

DAGNY: [as CHARLES]: “Or remember when she had that test?”

WILL: He was out of town for that.

DAGNY: Not that one, the statewide math test.

WILL: Oh, right.

Just when their conversation is getting juicy, we hear a man’s voice yelling over a strange thunder-like sound. It’s a cattle stampede!

ALL: WHAT’S HAPPENING???

OLIVE: They gotta get those blind kids out of the way!

The children must not be in the direct path of the cattle drive, though, because Ma and Pa just stand there lookin’.

An unknown horseman (we can’t see his face, but he sounds like Carl the Flunky) yells to Charles, “Dust storm! Bad one! Head for cover!”

We cut to them arriving back in Winoka with the raging dust storm already in progress. I don’t know whose wagon this is.

I also don’t know if you’ve ever been in such a storm, but I have, in the former Dakota Territory in fact. When I was about ten years old, my family drove from Wisconsin all the way to Yellowstone, and as we were approaching Rapid City (or somewhere), one blew up, and it was really quite like this. It got as dark as night, and with that and the dust we couldn’t see a thing. My dad had to pull the car over and we waited for it to pass. Quite frightening (but fun, in its way).

Anyways, others have noted that the wind here is blowing so hard that rain barrels are flying around, and yet there’s a small leaf in the foreground that just flips over once.

Well, the party makes it back to the school.

If Mr. Ames is your favorite character, you’re in luck, because out he comes to help.

“Get everyone inside, I’ll get the team to the livery!” Charles yells.

OLIVE: Yeah, protect the Chonkies!

Mr. Ames brings all the kids into the school, where the air is already hazy with dust. He shouts some instructions.

OLIVE: What the hell kind of accent is that?

WILL: I have no idea.

Then Ames starts taking the roll. I love when they have named characters we don’t even properly meet.

In this case, the named students include “Marvin Coil,” “Elizabeth Dearborn,” “Tim Caper,” and “George Allen.” (Funnily enough, Marvin Coil, A.C.E., was Supervising Editor for this episode’s production.)

[UPDATE: And George Allen must be Christopher Bowman!]

Mr. Ames also calls “Susan Goodspeed.” (This is the first time we’ve learned Sue’s real surname, though in “The Man Inside” it was implied to be Farley.)

DAGNY: What’s her name? “Godspeed”? 

WILL: Goodspeed. Well, earlier this season they called her “Sue Farley,” but I think that must be her middle name – you know, like Hester Sue or Eliza Jane.

DAGNY: That makes sense. I have a friend who grew up on a farm. She was telling me about her family, and she kept mentioning this lazy cousin of theirs they called “Lazy Sue.” Like, “Katy and Lazy Sue and I had to go out and do the milking” or “I said, ‘Lazy Sue, go bring us in a bushel of sweet corn!’” Well, turns out it was Lacey Sue.

WILL: You really thought there was a girl everybody called “Lazy Sue”?

DAGNY: She’s from the country, I never questioned it. 

But Mr. A realizes Sue is missing, just as a gust of wind shatters the window.

Ames flips out and abandons the roll call. I guess nobody cares if Thomas the Blond Freckle-Faced Moppet made it.

Adam and Mary charge out into the storm. Actually, they are better equipped to find their way around in zero visibility than the sighted people are. (Crafty Arthur Heinemann of “Doctor’s Lady” fame!)

Nevertheless, Ma grabs onto Mary to help her. 

DAGNY: Caroline looks great. 

WILL: Yeah.

But no sooner have they stepped onto the porch than Ma gets hit in the head by a flying two-by-four.

ALL: Oh my God, Ma!

Adam starts screaming for Mr. Ames, who after a moment rushes out.

AMELIA [as MR. AMES]: “I was in the crapper!”

Adam shouts at Mary to go back inside, but she refuses, and they plod forward into the storm.

OLIVE: Would she really care about Susan Whatever-She’s-Called more than Caroline? For all they know, Ma could be dead.

Mary coughs from all the dust, and Adam hands her his handkerchief to mask with.

Prof. Kendall lectures her on how important it is not to give up on things.

DAGNY: Now is not the time, Adam.

Inside, Charles rushes to Caroline’s side, but she says she’s fine, and tells him he needs to go out and find Mary and Adam.

We see all the kids are covering their faces with handkerchiefs as well.

WILL: Take your mask mandate and shove it up your ass, Ames!

Adam and Mary feel their way along a wall, then Adam thinks he hears Sue calling for help.

Somehow they wind up at Albert’s coffin factory (I thought that was further from the Blind School, but whatever) where they hear Sue’s voice screaming.

Mary follows the sound into Albert’s man cave.

DAGNY: Do they find another Albert?

She finds Sue and calms the hysterical girl down.

DAGNY: My God, she’s got vampire eyes.

“I thought I was gonna die!” Sue yells.

AMELIA: Why would she think that? Couldn’t she just wait there till the storm was over?

(Michelle Downey has turned in a string of good performances this season as Sue. Apart from Little House, she also appeared on Father Murphy, The Facts of Life, and Mork & Mindy and in the Molly Ringwald/Alex Trebek vehicle For Keeps.)

Mary is practically laughing with relief, and says of course they were going to find her, because they’re responsible for her.

Adam hears the change in her voice and smiles.

Then Mary says she has a question for Sue: “How would you like to be the flower girl at my wedding?”

Sue is thrilled – and so is Adam.

DAGNY: He’s like, “OH yeah. I get to have sex this week after all.”

Mary and Adam start kissing passionately.

OLIVE: Whoa! This one’s gotta be sixteen-plus.

AMELIA: Yeah, they shouldn’t do this in front of the kid.

WILL: Why not? She can’t see them.

AMELIA: It’s just the principle.

WILL: Nah, the principal’s back at the school.

Meanwhile, Pa wanders through the storm.

DAGNY: Is this Charles’s last episode?

Charles finds them in the man cave and laughs when he sees them kissing. (His teeth are dirty, which is a nice touch.)

DAGNY: This is gross. I don’t like this at all. It’s making me feel embarrassed.

WILL [as CHARLES]: “Your ma is dead, by the way.”

Pa says, “Shall we go back to the school?”, and Adam replies, “What, on a beautiful day like this?” (Shades of Eric Boulton!)

After a commercial, we see the aftermath of the storm.

We also can see that the coffin factory sign, which previously I thought said Underground, actually says Undertaker. (I thought “Underground” was twee branding for a casket shop. . . .)

Apparently it’s the day of the wedding, as Charles, Mr. Ames, and the Reverend Corliss are setting up chairs in the school. (I don’t understand, why aren’t they getting married in the church? They attend it, and it’s right next door!)

Charles asks if Adam is nervous, and Mr. Ames cracks, “He’s having trouble breathing, but it’s not from the dust.” Hoo hoo! Ames is really coming to life in this one.

Charles says Rev. Alden obviously couldn’t make it through the storm, so Corliss will have to perform the ceremony after all.

WILL [as REV. CORLISS, stammering]: “What? I didn’t prepare anything!”

OLIVE: Do you think in the original script, there was a whole scene with Reverend Alden fighting his way through the storm?

DAGNY: Yeah. They’re gonna show clips from it during the end credits.

Upstairs, Ma is trying to brush the dust off Mary, but it’s no use.

Mary, who looks lovely in her wedding gown and baby’s breath wreath, just smiles and laughs.

Mary says, “I can feel it under my skin, Ma,” and Ma says, “I doubt that Adam will mind.”

OLIVE: Kind of a spicy joke for Caroline Ingalls.

Mary says she can imagine the dusty wedding being written up in the newspaper.

WILL: They should have brought Mrs. Oleson to cover it for Harriet’s Happenings!

Well, Ma’s thrilled that Happy Mary is back, and she kisses her once more.

AMELIA: Enough with all the kissing!

Pa comes in then. He simply tells Mary he loves her, and gives her his arm. (Landon is great in this one.)

Sue waits for them in the hall.

The processional features live accordion music performed by Thomas!

Thomas is playing the Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn (John Junior’s favorite composer, ouch).

Nowadays used mostly as a recessional, this Wedding March comes from some pieces Mendelssohn wrote to accompany a production of Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream in 1842.

It became a popular choice for weddings in England and America after it was used for the wedding of Victoria the Princess Royal in 1858. (V the PR was obliquely mentioned in “Fagin,” you’ll recall.)

DAGNY: She looks like Billie Eilish.

OLIVE: Nah. ScarJo.

WILL: Just think, this is the last time Thomas’ll play the accordion at a wedding.

AMELIA: What? Why?

WILL: Oh . . . no reason.

Apart from the Ingallses, the Blind School kids, and Mr. Ames (who’s Best Man), there are no other guests at the wedding. There’s no Maid of Honor.

OLIVE: So Mary has no friends?

DAGNY: Yeah, why didn’t they invite the fat guy and his family?

WILL: Or Toby Noe?

And where is Mrs. Ames?

Rev. Corliss has only just begun when Aldi appears at the back of the room!

DAGNY: Oh my God, this is so embarrassing.

AMELIA: No, I’m liking it. I’m back into it.

Aldi takes the reins, and the three Ingallses go gaga.

AMELIA: Is Mary going to poop her pantaloons?

The Rev is as dirty (and happy) as the rest of them.

OLIVE: Wouldn’t Adam wonder what the hell is going on?

WILL: Nah, I’m sure she talks about Reverend Alden every night. She probably described his voice so well he can recognize it.

Aldi says anybody objecting should speak now or hold their peace.

OLIVE: John should show up right now.

Aldi quivers his way through the ceremony, though I suppose he might just have dust in his pants.

DAGNY: They left out the “obey” part.

WILL: That is interesting.

Mr. Ames produces the ring.

AMELIA: Wow, would Mary really have nails like that?

WILL: No.

DAGNY: Maybe she went to a whorehouse and had them done.

DAGNY: Ma’s trying to get the tears to fall.

AMELIA: Should be easy, her eyes are full of dust.

Then Aldi says, “You may kiss the bride.”

AMELIA: UGH!

DAGNY: Very Days of Our Lives.

Freeze frame ending! The fifth so far.

WILL: I hate to point this out, but if she really had dumped him, they never would have lost their You Know What in the You Know What. . . .

On that note, Bum-Bum-Ba-Dum!

STYLE WATCH:

Adam’s pants.

OLIVE: Ooh, I like Ma’s skirt.

DAGNY: Yeah, it’s new this season.

DAGNY: I like the color of Stiffy with the Boobilicious top.

WILL: Boobilicious tops and Stiffies go hand in hand.

The medieval-peasant-woman look is very in this year. 

AMELIA: Has Pa ever worn anything this nice?

WILL: Well, when they went to Abandoned Daughters in Season One he looked nice. And when he was speaking at the Grange Convention.

Sue gets a nice dress for the wedding too.

Charles appears to go commando again.

THE VERDICT:

OLIVE: Loved!

I get annoyed with Mary during this story, but yes, “The Wedding” is terrific, with a thoughtful and well-plotted script by Heinemann. The cast is strong, it’s surprisingly funny at times . . . and hands-down, it’s the kissiest Little House story so far.

Thanks again for reading! You guys make me happy every day. See ya next time.

UP NEXT: Men Will Be Boys