Mortal Mission

Much Ado About Mutton; or

Selling Poison Meat to Blind Orphans? What Kind of Show Is This?

(a recap by Will Kaiser – Menz Weekend edition)

Title: Mortal Mission

Airdate: March 12, 1979

Written by John T. Dugan

Directed by William F. Claxton

SUMMARY IN A NUTSHELL: Half the town nearly dies of anthrax, and the other half actually dies of it.

RECAP:

I’m sure you all heard the news that last month we lost Jack Lilley, better known here as our beloved Mustache Man.

Lilley was 91, and Melissa Gilbert made some lovely comments about him in the press. Sounds like he was as adored by the cast as by fans.

We never gave Lilley a proper introduction, but he was the official Stunt Coordinator for the entirety of the series – in addition to acting in at least every other episode. (In fact, the kids saying “MUSTACHE MAN!” whenever he appeared was one spark of inspiration for Walnut Groovy.)

Lilley did stunts and wrangled animals (he owned a company that provided animal “actors” for Hollywood projects) for many shows and films – largely Westerns of course.

I’m not a classic-TV-Western person, so I’m sure I’m missing some significant ones, but his resume includes Gunsmoke, Bonanza, Wagon Train, Have Gun – Will Travel, Rawhide, The Virginian, and The Wild Wild West.

He appeared on the Little House-adjacent Highway to Heaven, Father Murphy and Kung Fu franchises, as well as on Family Affair and Fantasy Island.

He was in many Western films as well, notably The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Blazing Saddles, ¡Three Amigos! (I saw that in the theater), Young Guns I and II, and City Slickers. (He taught Billy Crystal to ride a horse for the last one.)

Besides Westerns, he did Evil Dead: Army of Darkness, Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, and The Legend of Zorro. (Many of these titles take me back to my years of youthful apartment-dwelling and shit-job-working. The salad days!)

Non-showbiz-wise, as a young man, Lilley served in the U.S. Navy during the Korean War. 

What else can there be to say except we salute you, Mustache Man!

Okay, so I collected the comments for this one at a so-called “Menz Weekend” with some friends of mine. 

These friends were: Luke, a witty physical therapist; Bradley, an amiable hipster and triathlete type; and Ted, my ex-wife’s current husband, who of course is the terrific stepdad to Amelia and Olive. This same group gets together once a year or so. 

We were up at Luke’s summer house, which is in the north woods of Minnesota, far from Walnut Grove. The house would be in the literal neighborhood, if the north woods of Minnesota had literal neighborhoods, of both Big Dick Lake and Little Dick Lake. 

I’m sure you think these names are just the usual impish Groovian bullshit, to which I know you’re desensitized, reader. But no, they’re real. 

My circle of course excepted, Minnesotans are not known for having a good sense of humor; but I refuse to accept that Big Dick and Little Dick lakes were named by someone without one. (A good sense of humor, I mean . . . not a big or little dick!)

My assumption is the names were thought up by a Wisconsin native like myself.

The Menz Weekend guys all have good senses of humor, but except for me, none of them are Little House people. Luke watched it when he was a kid, and Bradley once tried to impress me by saying he knew the show starred “John Landon.” 

It was at best a secondary goal of mine to convert these guys, all normal men, or normal enough, into fans. 

But the weather was poor, and, being stuck inside, I suggested we watch an episode or two on Pluto TV.

Friends, we ended up watching eight stories. 

I only jotted down comments for “Mortal Mission,” which was the first one we watched. The rest were just for fun.

Let’s begin. “Mortal Mission” is, of course, a major story.

BRADLEY: So these are all based on the books?

WILL: Yes. If you’ve read them, you’ll be amazed how faithful the show is.

Our episode starts with scary music from David Rose – ominous drum, blatty brass, throb or heartbeat rhythm. David knows how to get the breakfast cookin’, as Mr. Edwards might say.

The camera pans down from some treetops (Charles-fallin’-out-of type) to show us some sheep and some snow.

The sheep look real enough, but the “snow” is pitiful – perhaps the worst we’ve seen.

It’s also the first snow we’ve seen in a long time. I mean, in “The Wedding” Ma and Pa did share that hilarious anecdote about Baby Mary nearly freezing to death. 

But unless I’m wrong they haven’t actually simulated wintry conditions since “Blizzard” back in Season Three.

Most of the sheep are up and about, but two are lying down, seemingly ill.

Sheep are a rarity on this show. Jud Lar[r]abee used to keep them, but after “The Wolves” he never mentioned them again, and since it’s implied in “Barn Burner” that he left Walnut Grove to wander the Earth unhappily the rest of his days, I think these probably aren’t his.

Some farmers, two middle-aged men, are keeping watch over their flocks by day, and they turn to each other anxiously. “They ain’t gonna last the day,” the shorter one says.

An illness has been spreading through the flock, and the taller brother, Garth, says he fears that it’s anthrax, or more precisely that it’s the anthrax. (More on this disease later.)

TED: That man just smelled his finger.

Garth, who wears an interesting coat possibly made of the same material as his face, tells his shorter brother Virgil they need to sell the meat of the animals or they’ll be ruined. 

Americans don’t have much of a taste for lamb these days, but eating it was common enough in the Nineteenth Century. In fact, the 1880s was the peak of sheep farming here. (I’d put “Mortal Mission” either in late 1880 or early 1881 in the J timeline.)

It was only when nasty canned mutton was included as rations in the first two World Wars that the public turned against these tasty beasts.

I don’t think I’ve ever eaten mutton, which is the strong-tasting meat of adult sheep and which is pretty much impossible to find here. I did cook a lamb’s liver once, when Dags was out of town. (That’s when I cook disgusting things no one else wants to try eating.)

I love lamb myself, but the liver had a very strong taste, and if that’s what mutton is like, I can imagine it being difficult to eat for some.

(Editor’s note: At this point, my first draft of this recap included a lengthy digression on the topic of Scottish haggis, the traditional sausage made of sheep’s entrails. It was beautifully phrased and very amusing, but in the interest of reducing your read time, I cut it.)

(I may share my recipe for haggis another time, but in the meantime, you’re welcome. – WK)

Anyways, Virgil objects to Garth’s proposal on ethical grounds.

Garth snarls at him, then suggests they sell the mutton to “them folks at the Blind School.”

BRADLEY: Selling poison meat to blind orphans? What kind of show is this?

WILL: They’re not orphans, but yeah. That’s Little House in a nutshell.

LUKE: It’s actually a good idea. The blind kids won’t be able to read the FDA warning label.

We cut to Ma hanging out at the Old Sanderson Place. She’s holding Baby Grace and watching the older kids play outside.

The framed photo of Rutherford B. Hayes is still on display, but they’ve hidden the John Wilkes Booth pic this time.

Alice Garvey is embroidering a hanky or the like by the fire, and Caroline sits in the “Terror of the Autons” chair.

There’s a knock at the door – it’s Garth (Alice greets him as “Mr. Fenton”), who has come to see if they’d like to buy some meat. (Older readers may recall door-to-door salesmen offering wares like vacuum cleaners, men’s fragrances, and clearance-sale mutton.)

Garth Fenton says he’s got roasts available for 50 cents (about $15) each. 

Caroline marvels at the low price. (Looks like today, a lamb roast ranges between $40 and $70.)

BRADLEY: Garth is pretty shameless, selling to kids and families.

LUKE: Well, he does look sheepish about it.

Alice invites the Ingallses for supper, and we learn Charles and Jonathan are out of town.

Garth Fenton brings in the roasts.

TED: They packed meat in burlap?

We cut to the Little House, where the special effects are no better.

TED: That snow . . .

WILL: I know. It’s like a Frosted Mini-Wheats storm blew through.

It’s another day, and Ma is waking the kids up.

Laura calls down that she feels “awful sick.”

LUKE: Oh, sure ya do, Laura. I remember her always needing a lot of attention.

WILL: Little House sticks with you that way.

Albert is sick too. Ma finds him shivering and using his handsome dressing gown as an extra blanket.

The kids’ symptoms are vague, but include chills, body aches, and GI turbulence. Ma says she’ll fetch Doc at once.

LUKE: Is the doctor going to bleed them? You know, to release the humours?

WILL: It wasn’t quite that long ago, Luke.

(In fact, bloodletting as medical treatment was rare by the 1880s, but not completely unknown.)

In what might be a first, Ma puts Carrie in charge, noting there’s a pot of her Famous Mush already on the stove.

We cut then to a city scene, with Not-Richard Libertini cruising by in one direction, and Mustache Man and Bret Harper’s Underling Rod in the other. (Rod must have followed Charles home last week.)

Then we see Charles and Jonathan Garvey, in winter garb, unloading lumber. A poster behind them advertises a company that looks like “Meow Stage Lines,” but that doesn’t help us identify their location.

The receiving clerk compliments our friends on their timeliness, then invites them to join him for a drink.

LUKE: What a flirt.

Addressing the guy as “Mr. Rawlings,” Teetotalin’ Chuck politely declines. (The actor, Richard Lockmiller, was a bluegrass singer as well as appearing on Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Barnaby Jones, Dallas, Falcon Crest, and in the movie Rattlers.)

Charles and Garvey ready themselves for the trip home.

BRADLEY: That’s one hell of a jacket.

It is – a sort of cross between Clint Eastwood’s poncho and Knox Overstreet’s duffle coat.

Then we see Doc’s phaeton in front of the Harriet Oleson Institute for the Advancement of Blind Children.

TED: If it’s winter, why are there leaves on the trees?

WILL: Well, you know, some oak trees are marcescent. . . .

Inside, Doc is fondling the sweaty hairy chest of Adam Kendall. (Who’s also sick. Not just for fun.)

Mary stands at the foot of the bed – all business, surprise, surprise.

(I guess it’s good she only gets hysterical when she’s worried about herself. I’m the same way, actually.)

Doc describes Adam’s symptoms as “pain, debility, initial chills, and then fever.”

LUKE: This music is good. It sounds like The Thing.

As Hester-Sue joins them, Doc says whatever the illness is, it’s spread through the whole town.

BRADLEY: The plot moves pretty fast for an old show.

WILL: Yeah, I’m often telling people that.

Hester-Sue suggests they use the Oleson Institute as an infirmary, since it’s “the biggest house t’in Walnut Grove.”

I think she means the biggest house t’in Walnut Grove to which they have access. Readers will recall there are at least five other identical Victorian houses in the region.

First, there was Amos Pike’s haunted mansion, which he built for his hot-but-depressed wife, the actress Lilly Baldwin. (Remember, she’s buried in the front yard?)

Next there was the residence of the hot-and-wealthy Widow Thurmond, who said it was built for her by her late husband.

In “The Collection,” the depressed-but-neither-hot-nor-wealthy widow Addie Bjorneson lived in an identical house.

And in “I─── Kid,” another giant house was implied to belong to the not-hot-but-racist-and-abusive farmer Omaha Johnson.

Finally, the house that would ultimately become the Oleson Institute was introduced in “To Run and Hide.” In that story, Mr. Hanson leased the house to (his common-law husband) Doc, who mentions the property once belonged not to any of the above-mentioned characters, but rather to someone named Jenkins.

In “The Aftermath,” though, Mr. Hanson rented it to the murdering train robbers Frank and Jesse James.

We speculated that after the Jameses were allowed to escape, Doc and Mr. Hanson lived in the house together for a while. But when Lars died, Doc found it too painful to remain in residence. 

So ownership passed to the Reverend Alden. (This background is starting to feel like the opening of The Lord of the Rings.)

Finally, Aldi donated the house to Adam and Mary for their new school after they were evicted in Winoka.

Anyways, Doc takes a blood sample from Adam and says it may hold the key to his affliction.

As he leaves, Hester-Sue turns to Mary and says, “Thomas Murray’s crying for you. He won’t settle for anyone but you.”

Thomas Murray, aka Thomas the Blond Freckle-Faced Moppet, has been on the scene all season.

Introduced in “As Long As We’re Together,” he immediately made his mark by identifying the sound of snogging in the classroom.

Although he’s funny and popular, Thomas is not a very good student. He confesses he only knows the Biblical story of Thomas because they have the same name.

Despite being reprimanded by Mary for his poor classwork, he schemes to get out of a difficult assignment in “The Man Inside.”

But just like I did as a kid, Thomas makes up for his academic deficiencies with musical talent. He performs an excellent rendition of Mendelssohn’s wedding march for Mary and Adam on the button accordion.

In “Blind Man’s Bluff,” for reasons unknown to me, Thomas was recast. Originally played by Ivan Wideman, from “BM’s B” on out Vince Tortell assumed the role.

Thomas’s academic struggles continued in “The Sound of Children.”

Mary suggests moving the blind sickies into Adam’s room, presumably so they can cheer themselves with Sound of Music–style singalongs.

Meanwhile, Ma appears at the front door. She’s supporting Andrew Garvey, whom she found staggering zombie-like in the road. Doc picks Andy up at once and carries him to a bed, which I think is nice.

She reports Alice is sick as well.

Back at the Little House, Charles and Jonathan Garvey return from their journey.

LUKE: It looks like a Reddi-Wip plant exploded!

Charles finds a note on the door catching them up on the problem and confirming the illness is indeed anthrax.

There are three different kinds of anthrax, but all of them are spread to humans from animals, with sheep being long associated with the condition. (Anthrax was once called “woolsorter’s disease.”)

A bacterial infection, anthrax can affect the skin, causing round black lesions to appear on the body. (Anthrax is a Greek word for coal.) 

Cutaneous (skin) anthrax was usually survivable, even back then.

There’s also a pulmonary strain that’s more fatal. The bacteria is inhaled, then infects the lymph nodes and spreads to the lungs, terminating in a pneumonia that can cause death very rapidly. Historically, this type had a 90 percent mortality rate.

But what our Grovesters are suffering is gastrointestinal anthrax, which is the type you get from eating infected meat. 

I expect our creative team picked this type so they could show us bloody burlap sacks, Michael Landon having such instincts for the visual. 

But in the United States, there’s actually only been two cases of gastrointestinal anthrax diagnosed ever. Neither of them was in the Nineteenth Century, and one of them was apparently a complete mystery.  

Anthrax played an important role in the development of epidemiology. It was one of the diseases that helped doctor and scientist Heinrich Hermann Robert “Robert” Koch confirm his theory that illness spread through microorganisms.  

In 1881, the great Louis Pasteur, who I know from a children’s book created the lifesaving rabies vaccine (fuck off, anti-vaxxers) created one for anthrax in response to an epidemic in Europe.

If you’re my age, you know anthrax for one of three reasons. Number one, obviously, is you’re a Little House on the Prairie fan.

Number two, in the 1980s there was a popular “thrash” metal band of that name. 

BRADLEY: Did Anthrax ever release an album called Bad Mutton?

Their music isn’t my sort of thing, but Alexander knows their work and likes it. This song, their most popular track on Spotify, isn’t too bad:

Finally, in 2001, shortly after 9/11, a slew of anthrax-infected letters were sent by mail to American politicians and journalists, resulting in five deaths and at least seventeen other illnesses. The letters suggested a link to Islamist terrorism, but the U.S. government concluded they were the work of a disturbed government researcher named Bruce Edwards (Edwards!) Ivins, who committed suicide whilst being investigated.

The anthrax spores used in the attacks were determined to be of the Ames strain. (Ames!!!)

Back at the Oleson Institute, a man in a loud but handsome plaid jacket (lots of interesting jackets in this one) arrives and carries a child onto the porch.

BRADLEY: Now, there’s more snow here.

WILL: Yeah. I think it’s crawling around, like the Blob.

As Hester-Sue heads to the door, we see Johnny Cash Fusspot sitting on the floor, comforting a patient.

Probably his son, H. Quincy (a student at Groveland Elementary) . . . 

. . . his nephew, Not-H. Quincy (a student at the Oleson Institute) . . . 

. . . or his sister, Not-Quincy’s Rather Beautiful Mother. (A widow who also dated Mustache Man.)

The newcomer is a Mr. Berwick (Seth, according to the credits), who’s brought his son Nate.

Doc asks where Berwick’s wife Martha is, and Berwick, who has a gaunt, haunted face, tells him she died an hour ago.

He removes his hat, revealing a head of oily black hair.

If you think you recognize his gaunt, haunted, oily personage, it’s because in a weird coincidence, he’s played by Matt Clark.

Way back in Season One, Clark played Eric Boulton, the man driven insane after losing both wife and son to a typhus epidemic.

Clark has an impressive resume. He was largely a movie actor, appearing in many notable films including Black Like Me, In the Heat of the Night, The Beguiled (a weird Civil War psychosexual horror comedy starring Clint Eastwood – it’s great), The Great Northfield Minnesota Raid (a dramatization of events referred to in “The Aftermath”), Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid, The Outlaw Josey Wales (also starring Eastwood), Buckaroo Banzai, Return to Oz (freaky), House III: The Horror Show (I found that one quite disturbing at fifteen), and Back to the Future Part III.

On TV, he was on Bonanza and Kung Fu. (Sigh. This blog is becoming a Bonanza/Kung Fu/Gunsmoke/Father Murphy/Highway to Heaven/The Waltons/Love Boat slot machine, isn’t it?) 

Also The Waltons, Dynasty, The ABC Afterschool Special, Grace Under Fire, The Jeff Foxworthy Show, Walker, Texas Ranger, and Kenny Rogers as The Gambler, Part III: The Legend Continues (the third of five films!). 

Doc tells Hester-Sue the incubation period for the disease runs “from twelve hours to as many as twelve days.” (This may be true – seek the answer here.)

Hester-Sue does the math and says that means everyone in town could already have it.

The two discuss how anthrax can be treated with “quinine and the tonics,” but supplies are running short.

Anyways, we can see in this scene that J.C. Fusspot is tending a dark-haired woman, so we’ll assume it is his sister.

Charles and Groovy-Jacket Garvey appear at the front door. Unlike the well-mannered Seth Berwick, they don’t knock.

Doc brings ’em up to speed on the crisis, and says anthrax can’t be passed person to person as smallpox can. (It’s true.)

Charles crosses to a large room, where we see several patients spread about – including Nellie and Willie, who are tended by their mother. (She’s wearing ladies’ cut Pinky, and she’s got something in her mouth, but I can’t tell what.)

Caroline is fine, but Alice Garvey is in a sleeping bag on the floor. When she sees Jonathan, she smiles through her shudders.

Pa bends down to see Albert, as David gives us a special pandemic mix of Albert’s theme.

In a sad and prophetic moment, Albert smiles at Pa but is too ill to answer him.

And Laura, who always looks nice when her hair is down, whatever the reason, is in bad shape too.

Outside, the Winds of Doom blow up.

You know, the Oleson Institute is the exact same shade as my parents’ house when my sister Peggy and I were kids. (Almond?)

Nels drives up in the Yellow-Wheeled Buckboard.

BRADLEY: Who’s this?

WILL: He’s the nicest guy in town, but married to the wickedest woman in town. Just like you, Ted!

TED: Haw haw.

(As I mentioned, Ted and I have been married to the same woman.)

Nels picks up a box of supplies – but he’s moving pretty slowly. He’s clearly sick too.

Meanwhile, two men carry a corpse out on a stretcher, followed by a newly widowed gray-haired woman.

Nels staggers to the steps, but has to be helped up them by Hester-Sue. You know, you’re going to laugh, but I’m noticing for the first time that the Oleson Institute plaque Harriet ordered has her silhouette on it. The sheer nerve of that woman!

Inside, we see J.C. tending his RBS whilst Carl the Flunky does the same for a woman who looks like Tilda Swinton.

The men help Nels to a pallet on the floor, and Harriet freaks out to see him ill.

In the other room, Doc is conducting a gas chromatograph mass spectroscopy test, or something, on some blood.

LUKE: This IS like The Thing. [screeches like the Thing jumping out of a petri dish]

Doc says all the blood samples have the same “filamentous bacteria.” (First identified in the 1840s. I doubt knowledge of such things was common in rural America in the 1880s; but in “The Lord is My Shepherd,” set in 1876-A2, Grace Snider is familiar with the germ theory of disease, so maybe.)

Doc says the mutton is the cause of the outbreak. He’s clearly honed his epidemiology skills since the if-only-we-could-identify-the-SOURCE! days of Season One.

Garvey says if the sheep were infected, the Fentons must have known it.

Doc says they must destroy and bury the remaining sheep if they hope to stop the spread.

Charles and Garvey says they’ll take care of it, and Doc warns them to wear gloves.

Chuck and Jon arrive at the Fenton farm, where we see at least three sheep are down.

Of course, they may just be riggwelter, which according to Two Fat Ladies is Yorkshire slang for sheep that have tipped over and can’t get up.

The gate into the sheep pen is practically off its hinges.

TED: What the hell happened here? It’s like when Luke Skywalker goes back to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru’s farm.

They find the Fentons around their wagon, collapsed but alive.

Gunshots indicate Charles and Garvey are euthanizing the surviving sheep (even though we didn’t see any live ones remaining). Commercial!

After the break, David is still thrumming Thing-ishy as we return to the Blind School at night.

BRADLEY: Why do they bother painting the Blind School? It’s not like they would care if it looked nice.

LUKE: Yeah. Why do they even turn the lights on?

WILL: Blind jokes are not encouraged at Walnut Groovy. I’ll give you a limit of two each.

Well, today, of course, the lights are on because there are non-blind anthrax patients lying all over the place. Mrs. Foster is now of their number, sadly.

So is Virgil Fenton, whom we see drowning in his own sweat.

Garth is on the floor too, shivering. 

Doc is telling Mr. Seth Berwick how to bring down his son’s fever using rubbing alcohol. I never heard of this, but I guess it’s a real pratice. Frowned upon today.

The son is well-cast. I wonder if Larry Germain made him a wig to match Matt Clark’s hair?

Nate Berwick gets a credit: He’s Bradley Green or Greene, who was a regular on General Hospital for a time.

Doc then moves over to Virgil F and tries to give him some quinine; but Berwick notices and says “Uh-uh. . . .” 

Then Berwick leaps up and shouts, “No, sir, forget that!” He snatches the medicine away, leaving Doc flabbergasted.

Berwick says they should withhold medicine to punish the Fentons.

LUKE: Yeah! Just like the Trump Administration!

Hester-Sue tries the humanitarian angle, but Berwick shouts her down.

WILL: He looks like Stephen King.

Hester-Sue, who has a backbone as strong as the Big Oak, flatly says that punishment is God’s business, not humanity’s.

BRAD: Well, okay, but they maybe shouldn’t have given it to the mutton guys FIRST.

This must be an awkward conversation for the Fentons to hear, and on the floor, Virgil and Garth are shivering and twitching.

I suppose we should do the actors’ resumes before their characters die. (Spoilers.)

Virgil is Charles Parks, who was in Exorcist II: The Heretic, Real Genius and Paulie (I liked that one), and was on The Waltons, Dynasty, Hill Street Blues, Moonlighting, the Shannen Doherty vehicle Our House (that takes me back), Murder, She Wrote, Deep Space Nine and NYPD Blue.

Garth is Peter Kilman, who was on the Mission: Impossible TV show and General Hospital.

Time passes, and we see the OI in daytime. The winds are so strong, ice cubes are blowing around on the ground.

Inside, Doc is preparing Charles and Jonathan Garvey to fetch more meds.

WILL: You know, Michael Landon was fairly short. He wore platforms so he wouldn’t look puny compared to the taller actors.

BRADLEY: His hair also adds a good two inches in height.

Doc says they need more quinine as well as carbolic acid, a disinfectant whose use was pioneered in the 1860s by Dr. Joseph Lister (namesake of Listeria and Listerine, later Lord Lister). Lister got the idea from reading Louis Pasteur’s research, incidentally.

Very intensely (Kevin Hagen is good in this one), Doc tells Chuck and Jon they could use iron tablets and “Cinchona” – a quinine-containing herbal essence. (Mind you, not the carcinogenic shampoo.)

Doc also tells them he’s ordered some wine. (Clearly he doesn’t know about Nels’s secret stash.)

Jonathan Garvey seems a little confused about the wine. Probably he’s feeling guilty about how in “Apple Boobs” he stole some from that French bistro.

Doc says “strong wine” is easily digested (it isn’t, though) and will help the patients keep their strength up.

Doc gives Charles a message to telegraph to Rochester, saying the supplies should be sent “by train, all speed, to Springfield.” (Presumably a reference to the midnight express to Rochester that Charles and Mary take in “To Live With Fear”?)

Then we cut to Mary upstairs, tending Adam as well as Not-Little Eli, the Sharp-Dressed Blind Kid and (possibly) Blind School Princess Leia. If that’s all the kids from the Institute who got sick, it’s not bad.

LUKE: Does Mary bump into things?

WILL: She used to, but not anymore.

Hester-Sue comes in with some soup, but Adam pouts and won’t take it.

Hester-Sue picks up a bucket they’re presumably using as a stomach contents receptacle.

Despite Hester-Sue carrying this unpleasant accessory, Mary detains her to ask what to do.

Hester-Sue, who’s nothing if not consistently written, says they must trust to prayer: “the best and practically the only medicine we have left.”

Okay, steel your courage, reader.

Because while they’re talking, we notice another patient in the room is Thomas (Mark Two.)

Vince Tortell looks a bit like Sandy Dennis.

“Miss Kendall!” Thomas cries out suddenly.

The child chokes out that he can’t breathe – it’s quite piteous.

Hester-Sue rushes to get Doc. But before she can get him, Thomas goes still.

“Thomas?” Mary cries.

BRADLEY: Did Mary feel his heart stop?

LUKE: Probably smelled his bowels releasing.

(Try to forgive my friends, who are not always as tasteful as I am when expressing themselves. And after all, even the famously compassionate Oscar Wilde once said of a Dickens novel, “One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell without laughing.”)

Anyways, Doc runs in and rips Thomas’s jammies to check for a heartbeat. 

Alas, too late.

TED: Wow. This is hardcore.

I thought this was the first onscreen death we’ve had, but looking back, I see Papa Delano expired onscreen, after first making his son a-promise to a-plant a vineyard in his name. 

And then there was White Buffalo, Spotted Eagle’s father, who was shot in the back by Mustache Man. (We only saw his hand dying, though.)

“How many more are going to die, Doctor?” Mary weeps.

“I don’t know, Mary,” Doc says gravely. “I don’t know.” 

TED: That’s seventies TV writing perfection right there.

In Springfield, the Chonkywagon drives into town, cover up. (In real life, in case you’re just joining us, it would take the better part of a day to get there by wagon.)

Charles and Jonathan Garvey leap down.

TED: That coat has to still be kickin’ around somewhere.

When the Grovesters approach the stationmaster at the train depot, we find he’s Horace, the xenophobic Silver-Haired Train Ticket Guy from “‘Dance With Me’”!

As a piece of continuity, I love this, though a point must be deducted for making him stationmaster in Springfield. (In “‘Dance With Me,'” he worked in Tipton.)

I suppose he could have gotten transferred, though. Anyways, SHTT Guy is Dan Priest, who, interestingly, was also in Rattlers. (You can’t make this shit up sometimes.)

One of the crates is labeled vidros frágil (glass breakables). A Spanish-language crate in 1880s smalltown Minnesota seems weird, but I suppose Nels did have that Toledo sword delivered, so anything’s possible.

SHTT guy tells them the night train from Rochester is late because of the storm, which he characterizes as a “blizzard.”

BRADLEY: This is supposed to be a blizzard?

WILL: They’ve done a better one.

In the main sickroom, Mrs. Oleson is worried that Nels has stopped breathing.

LUKE: He’s sure sweating. Do dead people sweat?

TED: No, the dead don’t sweat.

WILL: Yeah. That’s what Cormac McCarthy’s novelization of this episode was called, in fact.

But dear Nels lives, which gets Harriet choking with relief. She dabs his forehead, tells him she loves him, and asks how he puts up with her.

“I don’t put up with you, Harriet,” Nels says softly. “I love you.”

(This is the scene I most remember from this one: Mrs. Oleson breaking down and crying at the thought Nels might die.)

Meanwhile, Ma is exhausted and looks like shit. (Hot shit, but still.)

Back in Springfield, the Ol’ Number Three arrives in what looks like pouring rain.

A flunky with a Papa Delano mustache tells Jonathan Garvey he has the medicine.

In a bad blooper, we see the crates are labeled as coming from Rochester, New York, not Minnesota. (Good grief. I bet Landon was pissed at whoever’s job that was.)

On the way home, then, the Chonkywagon is flagged by a shotgun-totin’ man who yells “Can’t tell what a welcome sight ye gents is!”

The subtitle transcriptionist, on the other hand, heard “Can’t tell what a welcome sight you kids is!”

I’m not sure either of these are really what the guy says. Once again, if you’re reading this, Little House transcriptionist, I take my hat off to you. It’s usually the same lines that confound us both. (And if you’d like to be interviewed by Walnut Groovy one day, let me know!)

“Run out of horsemeat!” the man yells cheerfully. “Been huntin’ for food! . . . Ain’t had nary a morsel for four or five days!” (In the tradition of Don “Red” Barry, Sandy McPeak, and others, this actor seems to be making up the dialect as he goes along.)

Charles offers him some food, then says they’ll give him a ride to town if he likes.

“I like it,” the man nods, then points the gun and says, “Get on down off that wagon.”

“What are you doin’?” Jonathan Garvey asks in disbelief.

The man smiles and says, “Takin’ advantage of yer generosity.”

The actor, Jerry Hardin, has a familiar face from scores of TV shows and films. 

He was in Woody Allen’s Sleeper, Steven Spielberg’s 1941, Stephen King’s Cujo, and John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China. (I’ve toyed with renaming this blog “Will Kaiser’s Walnut Groovy,” or possibly “Will Kaiser’s Scrapbook of a Crazy Person.”)

Hardin was in the disaster movies Earthquake and Hurricane, as well as the non-disaster movies Blaze, Pacific Heights (I’ve heard that one’s scary, but I missed it somehow) and The Firm.

He was also in The Falcon & The Snowman and The Milagro Beanfield War. (These titles meant something to me once, but I can’t remember what. Most of my movie knowledge comes from hanging out in video stores in the 1990s.)

Hardin was in The Hot Spot, with Jennifer Connelly. (I do remember that one. Boy, do I!)

On TV, he did Gunsmoke, The Rockford Files, Flo, Bosom Buddies, Father Murphy, Highway to Heaven, Benson, Miami Vice, Dallas, The Golden Girls, I’ll Fly Away, Knots Landing, Evening Shade, Quantum Leap, L.A. Law, Who’s the Boss?, Star Trek: The Next Generation and Voyager, Murder, She Wrote, Mad About You, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and the Patrick Labyorteaux vehicle JAG.

He played the informant Deep Throat on The X-Files.

He was also in NPR’s radio dramatization of Star Wars, but it’s unclear which part he played.

And in real life, he’s the father of upcoming Little House guest star Melora Hardin.

Charles and Garvey explain they’re carrying medicine for their sick families, but the man replies, “I got a family needs to live, too! Me ’n’ mine comes first!”

ALL [shouting]: Yeah, America First! AMERICA FIRST!

Charles says, “Come on, just take the food,” and tries handing him his severed-head bag, which, since they’ve got it up on the driver’s seat with them, is probably full of good travel snacks like jerky, cheese curds, Corn Nuts, Pringles, Lifesavers Gummies, etc. 

But the man screams, “Get down off that wagon or you’re dead!”

Our heroes climb down, with the man saying, “Yer wagon will take me out of here! And yer horses will feed us fer a nice long spell!”

TED: He’s robbing them for the horsemeat?

WILL: Yeah. This guy LOVES horsemeat.

Charles makes a play for the man’s gun, but gets shoved to the ground.

LUKE: How’d he get way over there?

Indeed, he rolled a long way.

TED: Is that supposed to be a heap of snow?

WILL: I think this time it’s just rocks.

LUKE: Or maybe a pile of dead sheep?

To cruel, stabbing music, Horsemeat Lover hops into the Chonkywagon and departs.

Back in Walnut Grove, Doc is literally falling asleep at the microscope. 

You know, I recently read if you’re afraid of falling asleep, you should chew baby carrots, because the crunching has some effect on your brain that snaps it awake. Give it a try next time you’re making a late-night drive or nursing anthrax patients around the clock!

Seth Berwick runs in saying his son’s gone blue.

Doc examines him; but the child is dead.

His father cradles him.

LUKE: They have really shiny hair. 

BRADLEY: And a lot of it.

Seth Berwick rises . . . then jumps down to the floor and starts strangling another patient!

LUKE: Is he killing a random child?

No – it’s Virgil Fenton he’s strangling. 

But Doc screams “HE’S ALREADY DEAD!” and pulls Berwick back.

WILL: He looks like the Phantom of the Opera.

LUKE [singing]: “You will cuuuuuuurse the day you did not do . . .”

J.C. Fusspot stands around doing nothing helpful in the background.

Ultimately, Caroline comes forward and leads Berwick away.

Back in the countryside, Garvey and Charles decide to hunt down Horsemeat Lover on foot.

Then back at the Institute again, Hester-Sue is giving Andrew Garvey some water.

BRADLEY: Are that kid’s eyebrows painted on? He looks like Peter Gallagher.

(Sorry, Patrick L.)

As for Alice Garvey, she does not look her usual healthy, sexy self.

Hester-Sue informs Doc the quinine is all used up.

TED: I thought quinine was for malaria.

LUKE: They’re throwing everything they’ve got at it.

Much hinges on the efficacy of quinine in this story, but in reality it probably didn’t do much against anthrax. Before antibiotics, if you got any infection, it was common to make you drink quinine, iodine, or that most rejuvenating of medicines, alcohol. 

(I mentioned I’m from Wisconsin, where consuming hard liquor is still thought to have curative powers, and to prevent serious health problems like alcoholism.)

Doc notes that Charles and Garvey are late returning, but Caroline says firmly, “Blizzards don’t stop Charles and Jonathan.”

TED: That’s a great line.

Caroline then steps onto the porch to stare worriedly into the “blizzard.”

Meanwhile, Charles and Garvey arrive at a mill. Unlike Hanson’s, this one has its own little railroad track, presumably for moving bins or carts of grain. The Chonkywagon is there, so the Thieving Horsemeat Lover must be a miller?

How Chuck and Jon were able to find this place is not explained. They really didn’t have any clues, except seeing which way the wagon departed.

At first they think they’ll just steal the wagon back and go, but all the goods have been brought inside.

They check on the Chonkies, who are okay.

The two sneak up to a building labeled “tool house,” which also has doors that are falling off.

BRADLEY: That snow is like shaving cream.

They peek in the window, and despite it supposedly being a tool house, they see a woman cooking up something on a stove.

Their Holmes-and-Watson-ing comes to an abrupt end when Thieving Horsemeat Lover captures them.

He takes them inside, and we see the interior is in fact a weird combo of toolshed and dining room.

Horsemeat Lover orders his wife, a pretty-ish woman he calls Bess, to tie up the captives.

BRADLEY: Do the villains on this show always talk out of one side of their mouth?

WILL: Quite often.

Bess Horsemeat Lover, a wife in the mold of Mattie Hodgekiss, Adele Lar[r]abee, or Sylvia Crumbum, clearly disapproves of her husband’s evil plans.

Bess tells her husband, whom she calls “Hank,” they should be more concerned with caring for their sick kid than with punishing the strangers. 

This raises an interesting question: If this kid has the anthrax, just how large a mutton-distribution range did the Fenton brothers have? It’s implied we’re some distance from Walnut Grove, plus our valiant Grovesters don’t recognize these two. But it’s hard to picture the Fentons driving halfway to Springfield to offload their bad meat.

Little Horsemeat Lover calls from upstairs, and Bess yells, “I’ll be up in a minute, Ethan!”

According to the credits, the family name is Slade. (The only Slade we’ve met so far was the goofiest-looking bounty hunter in “The Aftermath,” and I doubt he’s affiliated with these people.)

Bess Slade is played by Carolyn Conwell, most famous for starring on The Young and the Restless for 24 years.

Back at the Institute, Nels is beginning to feel better.

Alice Garvey, not so much.

LUKE: Does she die?

WILL: Yes. Not this time, though.

Laura suddenly comes to. She can’t see, or perhaps is hallucinating.

LUKE: She’s gone blind? That’s actually lucky, considering where they are. They should get Mary to teach her braille right away.

Ma begs her to live, even calling her “Half-Pint” – a first for her on this show I believe.

Albert, on the other hand, also seems to be feeling a little better.

But Laura keeps babbling incomprehensibly.

Downstairs, Not-Tilda Swinton is sitting up and fully dressed, having apparently now recovered completely.

Hester-Sue and Doc fret about Charles and Garvey’s failure to return.

Then it’s Hester-Sue’s turn to step outside and stare into the wintry night.

WILL [singing]: “She ran callin’ Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild-fiiiiire!”

At the mysterious mill/house/toolshed, Hank Slade is sitting on the floor drinking the Grovesters’ medicinal wine whilst Bess paces worriedly. (I realize I’m over using that adverb in this recap, but there’s a lot of worrying!)

Ethan Slade comes down the stairs bellyaching . . . literally! Ah ha ha!

Ethan gets a credit: He’s David Rode, who appeared on The ABC Afterschool Special.

Charles, who is way ahead of me solving the mystery of the mutton distribution range, deduces the Slades’ horses had the anthrax.

Turning to his mediation skills, Charles tries negotiating their release, but Hank Slade just laughs. 

Fearing Ethan will die without the strangers’ medicine, Bess begs her husband to release them. 

But Slade refuses, making a sort of Death of a Salesman speech about how he failed at being a miner (I guess this . . . facility must be at the mouth of a mine?) and can now realize his dream to be a prospector. (Because he stole a wagon?)

Bess Slade, who I’m sure sits through these sorts of stupid speeches all the time, grabs the gun and turns it on her husband. (Pay attention, tiresome spouses!)

The two have a surprisingly intimate domestic conversation, given the circumstances.

Finally Hank agrees.

LUKE: He looks a little like Paul Wellstone.

The Grovesters prepare for immediate departure, Charles at first pausing for a pharmacy consult with Mrs. Slade.

TED: Does Charles shoot the husband now?

LUKE [as CHARLES:] “An eye for an eye,” pow!

Back at the school, Mrs. Oleson has now taken the watch. (I think it’s rather a brilliant touch to have the three women looking into the storm at different points of this story. Well done, Clax!)

LUKE: It’s sunny out. Are they going to tan their buttholes? That might help.

BRADLEY: Or a high colonic. Didn’t Gwyneth Paltrow have anthrax once and that’s how she cured it?

Carl and J.C. are carrying out another corpse – Garth Fenton.

LUKE: Wow, it’s like the kiss of death when that doctor touches somebody.

WILL: You’re not the first person to have observed this.

Making it about himself yet again, Doc says to Hester-Sue, “I’m not a doctor anymore – I’m a funeral director.”

(And actually, funeral directors at the time were called undertakers.)

You know, perhaps now is a good time to look at Doc’s survival rate for his patients. By my figurin’, 77 percent of Doc’s patients to date have survived, whilst 23 percent have died. Could be worse, actually.

(Here’s the raw data; I know some of you might be interested:)

Charles, broken ribs from falling out of tree – SURVIVED (“A Harvest of Friends”)

Laura, fever – SURVIVED (“Mr. Edward’s [sic] Homecoming”)

Unknown boy, “five-day quinsy” – SURVIVED (was faking it) (“If I Should Wake Before I Die”)

Amy Hearn, dying of old age – SURVIVED (was faking it) (“If I Should Wake Before I Die”)

Laura, rabies – SURVIVED (misdiagnosed) (“The Racoon [sic]”)

Freddie Ingalls, underweight – DIED (“The Lord is My Shepherd”)

Miss Arnold, sore throat – SURVIVED (was faking it to get laudanum) (“The Lord is My Shepherd”)

Kate Thorvald, sprained ankle, dislocated thumb, fake horse-riding injuries, broken heart – SURVIVED (“Doctor’s Lady”)

Helga Olafsen, pregnancy/childbirth – MOTHER AND BABY BOTH SURVIVED (“Doctor’s Lady”)

Laura, tooth extraction – SURVIVED (“Plague”)

Paul Boulton, typhus – DIED (“Plague”)

Sylvie Boulton, typhus – DIED (“Plague”)

Dying-of-Typhus Carl – FATE UNKNOWN (LIKELY DIED) (“Plague”)

Dying-of-Typhus Carl’s Wife – FATE UNKNOWN (LIKELY DIED) (“Plague”)

Mr. Edwards, typhus – SURVIVED (“Plague”)

Dying-of-Typhus Leslie – SURVIVED (seen again in “The Election”) (“Plague”)

Mr. Hanson, migraine – DIDN’T HELP AT ALL (“Circus Man”)

Mrs. Oleson, appendicitis – SURVIVED (“Circus Man”)

Mary, Laura and Carrie, unspecified illness – SURVIVED (“Child of Pain”)

Graham Stewart, injuries from child abuse – SURVIVED (“Child of Pain”)

John Stewart, alcoholism – RECOVERED (“Child of Pain”)

Trudy Coulter, falling whilst pregnant – MOTHER AND BABY BOTH SURVIVED (“Money Crop”)

Mary, vision problems – SURVIVED BUT WENT BLIND (years later) (“Four Eyes”)

Grace Snider, fainting spells – SURVIVED (was faking it) (“The Spring Dance”)

Julia Sanderson, lymphoma – DIED (“Remember Me”)

Mr. Edwards, mauled by bear – SURVIVED (“His Father’s Son”)

Caroline, sepsis – SURVIVED, BUT NO THANKS TO HIM (“A Matter of Faith”)

Granville Whipple, drug addiction, fake leg pain – DIED (“Soldier’s Return”)

Mine (dog), unspecified illness – DIED (“The Collection”)

Addie Bjorneson, severe depression – RECOVERED, BUT NO THANKS TO HIM (“The Collection”)

Nellie, broken arm, paralysis – SURVIVED (“Bunny”)

Willie, diarrhea – SURVIVED (“The Race”)

Fred (goat), alcoholism – RECOVERED (“Fred”)

Charles, broken ribs after being beaten up by the Galender Brothers – SURVIVED (“The Bully Boys”)

Nondescript Helen Harris, hypothermia – SURVIVED (“Blizzard”)

Little Tommy Spencer, hypothermia – SURVIVED (“Blizzard”)

Hangover Helen, hypothermia – SURVIVED (“Blizzard”)

Ambiguously Ethnic Kid, hypothermia – SURVIVED (“Blizzard”)

Henry McGinnis, hypothermia – SURVIVED (“Blizzard”)

Dixon (shadowy yet lovable drunk), mountain fever – DIED (“Quarantine”)

Laura, poison ivy – SURVIVED (“Quarantine”)

Mary, internal injuries from being kicked by an Evil Chonky – SURVIVED, BUT NO THANKS TO HIM (“To Live With Fear”)

Jonathan Garvey, severe back pain – RECOVERED, BUT NO THANKS TO HIM (“Castoffs”)

Busby, shot in the head – SURVIVED/RECOVERED (“‘My Ellen’”)

Mrs. Whipple, “the was-wells” – SURVIVED (“The Handyman”)

Mama Wolf (wolf), injury from being caught in a trap – SURVIVED (for a while) (“The Wolves”)

Bailey Farrell, heart disease – SURVIVED (“The Creeper of Walnut Grove”)

Mrs. Oleson, the vapors – SURVIVED (“To Run and Hide”)

Jed Haney, arthritis – SURVIVED (“To Run and Hide”)

Stanley Novack, internal hemorrhaging from falling off the roof – DIED (“To Run and Hide”)

Beth Novack, pregnancy and childbirth (breech delivery) – MOTHER AND BABY BOTH SURVIVED (“To Run and Hide”)

Jonathan Garvey, broken hand – SURVIVED (“The Fighter”)

Joe Kagan, lifetime of boxing injuries, severe depression – SURVIVED (“The Fighter”)

Long Elk, apoplectic stroke – DIED, BUT IT WASN’T DOC’S FAULT (“Freedom Flight”)

Hugh MacGregor, ass boils – SURVIVED (“Freedom Flight”)

Baby Grace Mears, checkup after being abandoned in the woods – SURVIVED (“‘Be My Friend’”)

Caroline, pregnancy – MOTHER AND BABY BOTH SURVIVED (“A Most Precious Gift”)

Mary, blindness – SURVIVED, BUT WENT CRAZY FOR A WHILE (“‘I’ll Be Waving as You Drive Away’”)

Mr. Hanson, stroke and severe depression – SURVIVED (for a while), BUT NO THANKS TO HIM (“There’s No Place Like Home”)

Fagin (cow), parasitic bronchitis (“husk”) – SURVIVED (“Fagin”)

Ezra Jenkins, old age – DIED, BUT IT WASN’T DOC’S FAULT (“Harriet’s Happenings”)

Helga Svenson, pregnancy and premature childbirth – MOTHER AND BABY BOTH SURVIVED (“Harriet’s Happenings”)

Isaac Singerman, heart disease – DIED (“The Craftsman”)

Jordan Harrison, brain injury, coma, hysterical/fake blindness – SURVIVED/RECOVERED (“Blind Man’s Bluff”)

Mary, pregnancy and miscarriage – MOTHER SURVIVED, BABY DIED (“The Sound of Children”)

Andrew Garvey, severe head injury – SURVIVED/RECOVERED (“Barn Burner”)

Mary, sight magically returning – STAYED BLIND (“The Enchanted Cottage”)

Gray-Haired Woman’s Husband, anthrax – DIED (“Mortal Mission”)

Thomas the Blind Freckle-Faced Moppet, anthrax – DIED (“Mortal Mission”)

Laura, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

Albert, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

Nels, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

Nellie, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

Willie, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

Alice Garvey, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

Andrew Garvey, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

Mrs. Foster, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

Nate Berwick, anthrax – DIED (“Mortal Mission”)

Virgil Fenton, anthrax – DIED (“Mortal Mission”)

Not-Tilda Swinton, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

Garth Fenton, anthrax – DIED (“Mortal Mission”)

Not-Gelfling Boy, anthrax – SURVIVED (“Mortal Mission”)

(Did I miss any?)

Inside, we can see in the background that Not-Gelfling Boy has also been sickened. (As you no doubt noticed from the list above.)

TED: You know, I guess if you already had anthrax, you could eat all the horsemeat and mutton you want.

Suddenly Hester-Sue rushes in. The medical expedition is back!

The men all run outside. “Thank God you’re here!” Doc cries emotionally as the “snow” blows around.

Charles heads into the school, where he gets an “Oh oh oh CHARLES!” from Caroline.

Ma tells Pa Laura and Albert are fine. Well, still alive, anyway.

We get a little time lapse now, and we see everybody’s feeling better.

Nels tells Harriet he’s sick of taking his damn medicine. “I’d much rather have some more sherry!” he says. Ha! Nels’s not-so-secret love of the sauce is a thread that pleases again and again.

“Yeah, same here, Pa!” says Willie. HA! I love when they give Nels and Willie little bonding moments. It doesn’t happen very often.

Upstairs, Adam wakes up and tells Mary he’s hungry.

Doc looks at the two lovers, but they’re oblivious to him. It’s the truth, isn’t it, that once the crisis has passed, people quickly forget the care team.

Doc slowly descends the stairs, then sits down, exhausted. Hester-Sue says the worst seems to be over, and his voice cracks when he replies.

Hester-Sue, who in many ways is more sophisticated than her country-bumpkin counterparts, notices, and asks him about his feelings.

“Oh, Hester-Sue,” Doc says in a near-croak, “I’m so tired.” 

“But grateful,” he adds, breaking down. “It’s over.” (This is hands-down the best Doc Baker story this season, and maybe ever.)

Hester-Sue touches his hair as he sobs.

And then, slowly and deeply, she sings. 

TED: Is she singing “Stand By Me”?

Well, she is, but not the one Ted meant. This is “Stand By Me,” a gospel song by Charles Albert Tinley, an early Black American composer. (He also wrote the hymn that would eventually morph into “We Shall Overcome.”)

Here’s a lovely version of “Stand By Me,” in a slightly different style, by Tennessee Ernie Ford:

(Tindley’s “Stand By Me” wasn’t written until 1905, though.)

Ketty Lester sings beautifully as Charles and Albert stare at her in wonder.

We also see that Laura is recovering.

Hester-Sue milks beauty out of every phrase – perhaps too much so.

WILL [as MICHAEL LANDON]: “Ketty, could we up the tempo a little?”

Seth Berwick listens to Hester-Sue with tears in his eyes.

LUKE: It’s the Phantom again. She’s his new Christine.

Hester-Sue’s singing becomes more declamatory.

Alice and Andy are okay too.

Hester-Sue finishes with a diminuendo into nothing.

BRADLEY: This would be awkward. You wouldn’t know whether to clap or not.

The camera slowly pulls back from the Harriet Oleson Institute for the Advancement of Blind Children.

TED: Those horses probably got sick from licking the fake snow.

Bum-Bum-Ba-Dum!

NOTE: Neither Joe Kagan nor Kezia are seen in this episode. We’ll meet Joe again, but is it possible Kezia succumbed to an anthrax infection in a deleted scene?

THE VERDICT: I know we recently described another episode as a Little House parody in a derogatory way . . . but “Mortal Mission” is so good it’s practically a Little House parody.

All the elements for the Ultimate Little House Story are there: dead children, dead animals, an old-timey plague, a storm, tragedy, horror, insanity, Doc Baker killing people left and right, eating things that aren’t food, Charles getting severely injured in a fight, the death of a semi-regular character, a woman standing up to her evil husband, etc., etc. Mrs. Oleson even tells Nels she loves him!

As for the men of Menz Weekend, Bradley is a full convert to the Little House cult, Luke said, “I forgot how good this show was,” and Ted liked it, but thought eight episodes would keep him for a while.

As for me, you know I love it. Eight is not enough!

Longest recap ever, I know. See you next time.

UP NEXT: “The Odyssey”