“Dance With Me”

Oh Noes!!; or

Pa’s Chest is the Perfect Roast-Chicken Color

(a recap by Will Kaiser)

Title: “Dance With Me” [sic]

Airdate: January 22, 1979

Written by Paul Wolff

Directed by Michael Landon

SUMMARY IN A NUTSHELL: Toby Noe is captured and extradited to Walnut Grove, where he falls in love.

RECAP: No time for a preamble! Title in quotes!

After getting downright dependent on quotation-mark titles in Season Four, the show took an extended break from them . . . until now.

Our story opens at a train depot in a town called Tipton – a new locale.

(There is no Tipton in Minnesota. There is one in Iowa, 400 miles from Walnut Grove.)

(But let’s not get ahead of things shall we.)

The Sierra Number Three is approaching, and a-waitin’ for it, or maybe awaitin’ it if you prefer, are Jonathan Garvey and Charles.

If you look closely, you can see the famous platform boots Michael Landon wore to look tall next to normal-sized actors, not to mention giants like Merlin Olsen.

Paul Wolff, recently introduced to us as the craftsman behind “The Craftsman” (ah ha ha), wrote this one as well.

In a marvelous shot, the train keeps coming and coming towards the camera, until all we see is the giant number 3 practically kissing the lens.

And right on top of this, Landon gives us his director’s credit, boom! Brilliant.

A silver-haired Train Ticket Guy comes out of the office, saying to our Grovesters, “Olesons got a pretty big order here this time.”

Charles says, “Well, town’s growin’ like a weed – more people every day.” (If we needed more proof the economic crisis of early this season has passed, here it is.)

“Yeah,” the Silver-Haired Train Ticket Guy says unhappily. “Mostly foreigners.” 

WILL: Ha! He’d fit right in today.

This S-HTT Guy adds, “Government better put a stop to it, or there ain’t gonna be none of us pure Americans left noplace.”

“Didn’t know you were an Indian, Horace,” Garvey says dryly.

OLIVE: Ha! I love Garvey.

(Olive is home for Christmas break, yay.)

Horace the S-HTT Guy is Dan Priest, a working actor who played bit parts on many things, including Days of Our Lives and The Waltons. We’ll meet him again several times before our project is through.

The threesome walk up to a man who’s opening a freight car. “Well, don’t take all day, Farley!” S-HTT Guy says excitedly. 

(I wonder if this Farley’s any relation to Sue Farley Goodspeed?)

“Keep your britches on,” Farley says mildly. We haven’t seen enough to call him unflappable, but he’s hardly what you’d call flapped either.

(“Keep your britches on,” or at least “keep your shirt on,” probably was around by the time of this story.)

Farley, a darkish little man, says he double-locked the car as it’s carrying a load of valuable Scotch whisky.

(This cargo can’t be for the Mercantile, though, since they don’t stock booze.)

As we noted back in Season One, most liquor consumed in the rural Midwest in the 1800s was locally produced corn whiskey – bourbon without the pedigree. (Or the quality, I’m sure.)

However, by the time our series takes place, Scotch was being imported to the United States. The late Nineteenth Century is known as “the First Golden Era” of Scotch production, and Scotland had begun exporting around the world. (I don’t drink these days, but I remember the warming effects of Scotch on a cold damp night.)

Of course, imports were expensive, and so it was mostly the upper classes drinking Scotch in those days. Ironically, Prohibition made the spirit popular amongst all the social orders here; Scotch was an natural choice for American smugglers, since a lot of it was imported by Canada (with its large population of Scots immigrants).

(Here is the story of the Scottish expatriate experience – in the form of a song!)

Anyways, (I think) Farley is played by Frank D’Annibale, who was the Sicilian Peasant (aka “Man #1”) in “There’s No Place Like Home.” I see no reason it couldn’t be the same character (now relocated from Winoka to Tipton).

When the Peasant opens the door, an empty bottle falls to the ground and breaks.

Fearing a hobo, the Peasant pulls a billy club from his belt and climbs into the car.

OLIVE: This job would be terrifying.

We can see the (fictional) booze brand, since it’s stamped on several crates in the car: Lord Epping’s Parliament Scotch Whisky. 

Whisky is spelled the traditional way, which I believe is always preferred when discussing Scotch, even in America, where we spell other kinds of whiskey with an E. (When I say “I believe” on this blog, it means I didn’t bother to look it up and it’s probably wrong.) 

(Yeah, I know they don’t spell it with an E in Canada either. Sorry Anne.)

Lord Epping’s is likely a reference to a pompous whiskey distiller character (English, not Scots) played by Leon Errol in the 1940 comedy Mexican Spitfire Out West. (I’m sure these shows are full of references I miss. I smile whenever I’m able to root one up . . . happy as a pig with a truffle!)

The Sicilian Peasant prowls around in search of the hobo. (David gives us some impish music so we know there’s not true danger.)

The comedy ramps up when one of the crates grows feet and jumps from the boxcar.

S-HTT Guy and our stalwart Grovesters chase it down, to the accompaniment of David’s slide whistle. Since they don’t really have a stake in this game, Charles and Garvey giggle as they pursue the box.

OLIVE: Oh, come on.

The crate gets quite far ahead, which does seem unlikely – but it’s a comedy, Olive, lighten up.

The box runs past “another train” (in reality the Number Three again with its number covered).

The crate then escapes into the big . . . train garage, or I don’t know what it’s called.

We do see the front of some different locomotives then, including a Number Eight and Number Thirty-Four.

Number Eight was in a number of movies itself, including one from the 1930s about Jesse James.

The Number Thirty-Four has the additional info Baldwin Locomotive Works, Philadelphia U.S.A. inscribed around its number.

This engine, another movie train of the type known as a “2-8-2 Mikado,” sits in solemn silence in its dull dark dock.

This train was in Bound for Glory, this train.

Bound for Glory is a 1976 biopic of Woody Guthrie. (Also a Ted Gehring/James Jeter/Tony Becker/Bernie Kopell vehicle.)

The S-HTT Guy orders the others to split up and search the dark warehouse for the intruder.

WILL: This is just like Alien.

I just noticed this is a double episode – our third this season, which is a record. You have my permission to fortify yourselves as needed.

Our heroes pass a bunch of big scary machines, then notice a Lord Epping’s crate plunked down unobtrusively with some others.

Charles and Garvey pull the box up, immediately realizing they know, or rather noe, this thief. It’s Toby Noe!

I’m sure you remember Toby Noe from “There’s No Place Like Home” (or at least anyone who would care that it’s him does).

But for those who either don’t remember, or don’t care, Toby Noe is the loveable (if feckless and homeless) drinker and gambler befriended by Charles & Co. in Winoka.

Although in that story Toby briefly achieved great wealth, by the end he had lost it (as well as home and feck) yet again, and had to lodge with Albert under his coffin factory, which I suppose is a step up from the gutter at least.

Toby is played by legendary actor and dancer Ray Bolger, the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz, whose bio we did up in detail for the earlier story.

As I mentioned when we did “There’s,” I’ve never exactly loved Toby Noe or his episodes; but I promise to keep an open mind. 

I did like “There’s No Place Like Home” better than I remembered, so who knows.

(You know, in general, my verdicts have gotten mellower over the seasons. I even liked the Carrie one.) 

(And while we have become friendly with some of the show’s personnel over the years, I stress, it’s been a completely authentic mellowing. Walnut Groovy will not be bought, at any price.)

Charles and Garvey vouch for Toby, saying he’ll pay for the Scotch, and the S-HTT Guy agrees to let him go for $20 ($600 in today’s money). (Steep, for six bottles at wholesale. But maybe Lord Epping’s is the good stuff.)

Well, Toby only has $10 (still, pretty flush for a hobo). S-HTT Guy grabs it and tells him to piss off.

Toby is drunk, though not perhaps as drunk as he would really be from six bottles of Scotch. 

It’s unclear if Toby actually remembers Charles and Garvey or not. (What do you think?)

Toby tells the Grovesters that he’s traveling to “Frisco,” intending to try his luck at the gaming halls there. 

OLIVE: Is Walnut Grove between Winoka and California?

WILL: Winoka’s a fictional place, but no.

OLIVE: They just like to throw out locations and hope nobody checks, huh?

WILL: Yes.

Chuck the unstoppable social worker tells Toby he should come “dry out” in Walnut Grove. (Not the first time he’s invited alcoholic criminals to the place he and his wife and children live.)

Charles and Garvey uncouple Toby (if I may be permitted the railroad metaphor) from a few more bottles of Lord Epping’s, and off they go.

Back at Casa dell’Ingalls, Carrie is flouncing about in the yard.

Bandit’s there too. Haven’t seen him in a while.

Laura and Albert come out and the three head to school, Laura and Al hanging back a bit so they can gossip.

OLIVE: I like their relationship. He’s better than Andy, because he’s smart, not stupid.

“You know that boy who sits behind me in the third row?” Laura says.

I’m not sure who she means. 

Albert says the kid’s called “Jason Brooks,” but that doesn’t help us any.

Whoever it is, Laura has a crush on him.

OLIVE: Albert has a lot of dating advice for a ten-year-old pauper. 

In the schoolyard, some boys are playing what looks like an incredibly stupid game.

It’s the usual suspects: the Non-Binary Kid, Miniature Art Garfunkel, the sighted AEK, Gelfling Boy, and a kid I thought was the Midsommar Kid but who is actually the Miniature Midsommar Kid.

Meanwhile, two new boys are sitting on the steps chatting.

The first one, who looks a bit like Lily Tomlin (partly but not solely because he’s wearing Oshkosh B’gosh overalls), is saying “I’m pretty sure she likes me,” whilst his companion holds some books. 

(As a Wisconsonian, I’ve actually been to Oshkosh, which a friend of mine, a former resident of that city, describes as “the Vienna of the Midwest.” I haven’t been to Vienna, but somehow that seems unlikely.)

Anyways, Not-Lily Tomlin’s companion, clearly a comical fellow, says, “Maybe she just can’t get over how ugly you are.”

“Cut it out, Ned!” says Not-Lily. 

OLIVE: He’s cute with his big buck-teeth. Just like Laura’s! They match each other’s freak.

Behind them, Not-Linda Hunt and the Smallest Nondescript Helen of Them All teeter and totter.

Ned the Comical Fellow, who has a Southern accent and seems not a bad sort, suggests Not-Lily Tomlin ask Laura to the upcoming dance.

Not-Lily says he’s too embarrassed.

“Jason, ya gotta get past your shyness!” Comical Ned says. “It stops ya cold every time!”

This seems a pretty intimate conversation, perhaps more so than we’ve ever seen two boys having on this show. Either they’re brothers, or Ned is the Duckie to Jason’s Andie.

Jason is Sean Frye – perhaps best known as brother to Soleil Moon Frye, TV’s Punky Brewster.

Frye (Sean, that is) was in E.T., This is Spinal Tap (nice), and Real Genius.

He was also in For Keeps (speaking of Molly Ringwald).

Frye’s official bio at the IMDb claims he “portrayed Melissa Gilbert’s very first love interest on Little House on the Prairie.” 

I wish I could let this go, but I can’t. In fact, Laura has had at least five love interests by this point, of whom Johnny Johnson was technically the first. (Choose your words with care, Frye! Mitch Vogel will come kick your ass!)

And that’s not even counting her brief affair with Willie Oleson.

But you can’t really blame Sean Frye for trying to get away with it. I probably would too.

Comical Ned, on the other hand, is Al Eisenmann, who also has a famous sibling: fan favorite Ike. (You can see the resemblance.)

Al E acted on Bosom Buddies and The ABC Afterschool Special, and he appeared as an adult on Arrested Development.

But he went on to have an even more distinguished career as a props master (very cool job) for shows including A Different World, The Wonder Years, Tales From the Crypt, True Blood, and Criminal Minds – Arrested Dev too – and movies like L.A. Confidential and Blade.

Anyways, Ned the Comical Fellow points out that Laura is coming into this scene now, and she does.

Laura approaches. Looks like a nice day.

OLIVE: I like how Albert just drops his crap and takes off.

Laura says, “Jason, there’s something I’ve been meanin’ to ask you.”

Jason gawps at her, whilst Comical Ned grins with glee.

“Do you like me?” Laura goes on.

Without emotion, Jason shrugs and says, “No.”

Laura is surprised and upset, and she takes off. She does manage not to run, which is unusual for her.

Comical Ned tells Jason he’s a complete dumbass.

OLIVE: This friend’s wise.

Back at the House, Ma is taking in laundry. (Will she have any dialogue this week???)

Ma hears Pa’s voice in the driveway and flails to him, crying once again, “Oh, Charles!”

Ma is weirdly overjoyed Pa has brought Toby Noe with him.

She says, “Oh, Albert’ll be so happy to see you!” (As I mentioned, they were close.)

Ma dashes away to finish the laundry and then to immediately start the next chore, cooking pork chops.

At supper, Toby Noe eats more pork chops than anybody, annoying Pa, who wanted seconds.

Ma makes coffee, and Carrie dries the dishes.

Toby, a student of human nature as you recall, notices Laura has the blues.

Albert tells everybody about the Jason Brooks situation. 

OLIVE: There’s no way Laura would be happy to have this tea spilled at the dinner table.

Then Laura and Toby Noe start comparing notes on their dating lives.

Ma brings out some very nice-looking cupcakes, which Toby digs into greedily.

OLIVE: He just knocked over, like, three of them.

Laura and Pa make cute faces at each other about how much Toby’s eating.

Next, we see a closeup of the school bell ringing. (That Landon and his stylistic pizzazz!)

But it’s for church, not school.

All manner of people are arriving in a body.

The camera whizzes by an unknown woman dressed like Mrs. Foster (but you can’t fool me), the Misbehaving Girl, a dark-bonneted woman we’ve never seen before, the Miniature Midsommar Kid, Mrs. Oleson, Nellie, Willie, and Nels.

Then we see the Ingallses arriving, as well as Carl the Flunky, Gelfling Boy and the Non-Binary Kid. Carl reaches out to give both those kids a friendly pat, so they must all be family of some sort, though it’s the first time we’ve heard of it if so.

Not-Linda Hunt is there too, with some other girls, and then we see Jason, Ned, and their dad (?) arrive. 

Backing up, we also notice Willie appears to have a slight limp. Any number of ways to explain that. (Rope-skipping accident? Injured during one of Nellie’s rages? Pins and needles from being put in the corner and forgotten overnight?)

We can see the AEK and Miniature Art Garfunkel fooling around with an unidentified long-haired man in the background.

Finally, a girl in a green dress and pigtails is screaming with laughter in Not-Ellen Taylor’s face.

All this in a single beautiful shot, wonderfully set up and framed by Mike and Ted.

At the end of it, Charles presents Toby Noe to the Reverend Alden.

Aldi says to Charles, “I think a few of us better have a meeting after service. We’ve got to find somebody to play that new organ!”

The Great Organ Mystery deepens. You’ll recall that in “The Inheritance,” Charles, briefly believing himself to be rich, purchased an organ to be installed at Groveland Congregational.

Charles’s wealth proved a delusion, but Rev. Alden expressed confidence that a special collection would cover the cost.

However, that was about twelve years ago in Little House Universal Time (LHUT), and we never saw nor heard hide nor hair of the organ.

I think we must conclude Aldi’s fundraising campaign back then failed, and the organ had to be returned. 

Yet now, with Walnut Grove “growin’ like a weed,” it appears he’s made another attempt, and this one was successful.

I don’t know that they need an emergency meeting of the Board of Elders to begin a search for an organist, but I guess if the Rev is looking to hire one (from where?), that would be business for the board.

There’s not a whole lot of musical talent in the Grove, but there are exceptions. Obviously, Charles is an accomplished amateur fake fiddle player, and we recently learned he plays the fake harmonica as well.

Mrs. Foster is a terrific singer who sometimes takes the spotlight in solos at church.

Mrs. Oleson claims to have had classical vocal training, and she appears to have basic keyboard skills, though it’s clear she doesn’t play at the level one would hope to hear from a church organist.

Nellie and Willie briefly studied flute and trombone, respectively.

As for the newcomers to town, Hester-Sue of course has extraordinary singing abilities; but we don’t actually know that yet.

We’ve seen that Thomas the Blond Blind Freckle-Faced Moppet is more than competent at the push-button accordion.

Speaking of which, are none of the blind kids churchgoers? Do Mary and Adam no longer attend? We didn’t see them arriving.

Actually, Adam might be the most logical person to approach about playing the organ, since he’s a talented enough pianist to teach lessons. (Good singer, too.)

Of course, if it’s a proper organ it will also have a keyboard played with the feet, which must be difficult for even a talented keyboard player to learn.

Well, whoever they find, I can’t wait to hear the King of Instruments blasting from the church!

Anyways, Aldi says that Mrs. O has volunteered to play the instrument, but as we guessed, she isn’t good enough.

Charles giggles madly at hearing their nemesis insulted, and Toby chuckles too. (Probably he remembers Mrs. Oleson from the saloon.)

Laura says, “Well, Toby can play the organ. He’s a great musician!”

First we’ve ever heard of that, but it must be true, since Toby sheepishly volunteers. (I’ve never been very good at the piano myself, but I was able to pass Basic Keyboard Skills when I was young and in music school. My BKS-es have eroded and pretty much collapsed since, though. They’re the Old Man of the Mountain of my life.)

Well, it’s standing room only in the church. Mary, Adam and Hester-Sue are there, as it turns out, as are Johnny Cash Fusspot, his Rather Beautiful Sister (lately returned to the Grove now that her blind son Not-Quincy is enrolled at the Oleson Institute), and a number of newbies.

(Adam doesn’t have any lines in this one either. Must be his turn not to speak for two or three episodes.)

Aldi’s pretty much ready to pop his cork at the organ’s debut.

Mrs. Oleson is thrilled too. She actually licks her lips in anticipation.

But her excitement, it turns out, comes from expecting she would be the one to play. She’s not happy at all when Rev. Alden introduces Toby Noe.

Toby marches theatrically to the front of the sanctuary, where we see a small home “cottage” organ has been set up. We had speculated exactly what kind of instrument this would be when we did “The Inheritance.” 

Unlike a pipe organ, the cottage organ only has one keyboard or “manual,” and no pedalboard. Acoustic organs operate on forced air, which before electricity would have been produced either with a bellows or, in this case, with foot-operated pumps. 

Toby begins playing. He does play well, but the congregation is shocked to hear him doing a peppy ragtime arrangement of “Rock of Ages” (1831). Sounds quite a bit like a circus calliope, actually.

(Strangely, the subtitle transcriptionist calls this hymn “Sundays After Trinity,” but if that’s an alternative name for the tune I can’t confirm it.)

Everybody’s shocked by this modernism . . . that is, except Hester-Sue, who starts clapping with delight (on the offbeats, naturally).

You may recall in our recap for “As Long as We’re Together,” Part One, we talked about how Black music was associated with Satan at this time (and for a good while afterward).

Toby, a city sophisticate who doesn’t find ragtime or Black people demoniacal, or who maybe does, but likes it, smiles to hear the clapping.

Led by the Ingallses, of course, the congregation gradually starts clapping along.

As usual when something unexpected happens, Nellie keeps a neutral mask until she knows if it will be useful to her.

And then, for the first time, we get to hear Hester-Sue sing! 

The key is a little low for her, but obviously she didn’t pick it, and she’s equally or more obviously an extremely talented gospel singer. (Ketty Lester was a professional singer before becoming an actress.)

It’s actually pretty hard to find a performance of this hymn online that isn’t slow and/or square. This one is maybe the closest I found to Hester-Sue’s style and tempo?

Well, everybody’s getting into it. Rev. Alden clearly is popping his cork. (Olive giggled at his face, as well as those of Charles and Mary.)

However, there is one older lady who clearly is not enjoying the performance.

From a distance after church, we see Mrs. Oleson crying and complaining to Rev. Alden. (Katherine MacG doesn’t have a single line in the episode, yet she manages to walk away with a few scenes anyway.)

When Jason, Ned and their dad (?) pass by, the Rev says, “So nice to see you again.”

We also get a better look at the longish-haired man from before the service. I think Jason R the Scientist might have tried to make a Charles Ingalls clone that didn’t turn out quite right.

The older lady who didn’t like the hymn confronts Aldi about it, saying, “I do not come into God’s House to hear the Devil’s music!”

David Rose punctuates the lady’s complaint with a sinister, albeit brief, plonk on the piano.

OLIVE: What was that?

She storms off, and we see Toby Noe. Not only is he not offended by her comments, he’s smitten.

Rev. Alden tells Toby the woman is Amanda Cooper.

“A widow?” Toby asks, and Alden replies, “A spinster.”

“Oh, how lovely,” Toby says. “An unpicked flower!” Racy remark for Little House.

As the Rose gives us “Beautiful Dreamer,” Toby starts screaming for Laura and rushes to catch up with the Ingallses.

OLIVE: Hm, there’s a line for the outhouse. I’m surprised we’ve never seen that before. I’m sure there would be one all the time.

Indeed, an authentic if earthy touch.

On the way home, Laura and Albert tell Toby Miss Cooper is a terrible person and the meanest lady in town (presumably next to Harriet Oleson). 

She lives alone with her “dumb old cat,” Laura says. Curiously, we’ve had few stories involving cats, and that’s including the lions, tigers and leopons in last week’s episode.

Finally, Albert points out her home. She’s apparently taken over the late Mrs. Whipple’s old sweatshop, spider plant and all.

Interestingly, Mrs. Whipple’s Christian name was also Amanda.

Toby immediately walks towards the door.

Inside, Miss Cooper is talking to Percy, her black cat. (Black cats are the best cats in the world, with our sixteen-year-old cat Cashew the very best of them all.)

Olive noted the resemblance.

OLIVE: He looks just like Cashew! Well, with a brighter butthole.

David accompanies this with harpsichordish music on the soundtrack.

Somewhat surprisingly, this mean spinster tells the cat about an erotic dream she recently had . . . then chastises the cat for waking her out of it!

OLIVE: Where did she get this cat? Who has cats on this show?

WILL: All the people whose houses we never see have them. Mustache Man probably has ten cats.

Now, the actor playing Miss Cooper is Eileen Heckart, a familiar face who appeared on TV in Alfred Hitchcock Presents, The Fugitive, Gunsmoke, Mary Tyler Moore, Alice, Trapper John, H2H, Tales From the Darkside (YEAH!), One Life to Live, and Ellen (the sitcom).

She was in some interesting horror movies (The Bad Seed, and an old favorite of Roman’s, Burnt Offerings) as well as The First Wives’ Club. 

She won an Oscar for Butterflies are Free, a Goldie Hawn film which I’ve never seen. It’s about a blind guy, so Michael Landon probably loved it.

But if you’re like me, you remember Eileen Heckart best from an episode of The Cosby Show in which she plays a crotchety old neighbor lady who becomes friends with Rudy Huxtable. 

Rudy becomes alarmed when she realizes the lady isn’t taking her medication properly. Cliff comes in and lectures the woman, or they trick her into taking it again, or something. I don’t think she dies. . . . I don’t quite remember how it ends, actually. (I said I remembered it best, not that I remembered it well.)

It was a very special episode, though, and Heckart got an Emmy nomination for it.

Well, there comes a knock at Amanda Cooper’s door.

Recognizing Toby Noe, she says, “What do you want?”

Speaking in a soft voice with an affected “posh” accent, Toby apologizes for trying to introduce modern pop music to Minnesota churchgoers. (It’s still risky in some corners of the state.)

OLIVE: I had a huge crush on him as the Scarecrow. If I were seventy years old, I’d have a crush on him like this too.

Miss Cooper tartly, though not super-tartly, says she found the music improper, but she accepts his apology. We can tell that, while uptight, she isn’t really a Miss Peel or a Jud Lar[r]abee. A Grace Snider, maybe.

Before she can close the door, though, Toby invites her to come set a spell with him on the veranda.

When Miss Cooper, who now certainly does approach super-tartness, asks why on earth she should do that, Toby says it’s because she’s “very attractive.”

“Sir,” Miss Cooper says, “you are a clod!”

Reeling from this rejection, Toby says, “Don’t you call me a clod, sister!” 

“I am not your sister!” Miss C snaps or snips. (Cranberry-strength tartness now.)

“Thank God for that!” Toby fires back.

Miss Cooper stares at him a moment in shock. “Of all the nerve!” she shouts (probably anachronistic), and slams the door. 

OLIVE: Ha! I loved that.

It is a funny scene, and reminds me of an eventful date I had around the year 2000, which I still shudder about sometimes.

Anyways, Albert and Laura have witnessed this whole spectacle.

After a break, gloomy, plodding music finds Toby and the Ingalls kids hanging out by the creek.

As he did in “There’s No Place Like Home,” Toby rakes himself over the coals for handling the situation so badly.

The kids shrug that the Cooper woman’s a bitch, so why fret? (Paraphrase.)

Toby disagrees, saying he’s always liked spirited women. A good attitude; I like them myself, and for better or worse have been surrounded by them all my life.

Toby comes up with a plan, and assigns them roles in it.

Next we see Percy Cooper, who’s startled by another knock. 

His voice sounds more like Donald Duck than a cat, but as anyone who lives with these creatures knows, nothing is impossible.

This time it’s Laura, bearing a bunch of flowers and saying that “the Honorable Toby Noe” is sorry for the flameout and would like to take another crack at the conversation.

“You tell Mr. Noe the answer is no,” Miss Cooper says firmly/wittily.

Then she slams the door again, chopping the heads off Toby’s bouquet.

Inside, she picks up the remains of the flowers and shitcans them, complaining to Percy as she does so.

But then, as the score changes from stern to twinkly, she retrieves a blossom from the garbage.

Still bashing Toby in her husky, Southern-accented voice, Miss Cooper takes the flower and presses it into a book called My Garden of Memories.

Back outside, Laura reports her lack of success. But Toby declines to give up, saying all it will take is more harassment for her to fall in love with him. (A common trope of Twentieth-Century entertainments, which gave a lot of men, myself included, some very bad ideas about romance.)

That night, someone is watching the Little House from the dark.

But it’s just a Chonky.

Inside, Pa is frying up a ham steak in his jammies, wearing a big smile on his face. (If you’re like me, you’ll smile too.)

Ma comes out from the bedroom and says in her whispering baby voice that Toby Noe has a large appetite.

Charles complains that he hasn’t had a full meal since Toby arrived.

The man himself appears and says, “Oh, Charles?”

Charles grunts noncommittally.

Toby asks Charles to borrow the wagon so he can visit Miss Cooper again. What time is it? Ma and the kids are already in bed.

Guessing his intent, Pa says, “It’s no use,” but Toby replies, “No is a word that is not in my vocabulary – except my last name.”

Oh, he also steals Pa’s ham while his back is turned, then exits.

Pa screams “CAROLINE!!!”, Fred Flintstone-style.

OLIVE: Oh my gawd.

At the Old Whipple Place, Amanda and Percy Cooper are asleep in a chair.

Now we hear Toby singing “Beautiful Dreamer” as he approaches the house. (Published 1864.)

(Stephen Foster’s songs have always been a popular choice for movies and TV, in part because they’re famous and good, and in part because they were already in the public domain before movies and TV came along.)

Percy notices first.

In her sleep, Miss Cooper smiles a bit. Probably another of her sex fantasies.

As cats will do, Percy briefly breaks the Fourth Wall by looking directly at us.

But when she wakes up, her smile turns sour. She throws open the door, where Toby Noe is literally serenading her.

Toby finishes the song, and declares that he’s come to court her.

He starts singing again: the same song, which you’d think would be a mistake. (Once was enough, in my view anyways.)

Although she’s annoyed, Miss Cooper surprises us by inviting Toby to tea.

Back at the Little House, Charles is complaining to Caroline in bed about Toby Noe’s obsession. (If you’re like me, this might make you fondly remember Mary in “The Talking Machine.”)

Caroline thinks it’s romantic, though.

Charles goes on about how Toby’s overstaying his welcome. How long has it been, I wonder? Can’t be all that long, since the Sunday service (Toby’s first) could only be a day or two ago.

I haven’t placed this one in the timeline yet, but with the fine weather, the flowers, and school being in session, I’d say this one picked up right where “Blind Man’s Bluff” left off, in the late spring of 1882. (-I.)

Well, Ma and Pa say goodnight and turn the light out.

OLIVE: No popcorn.

Only then, Toby Noe comes running into their bedroom screaming.

He’s says he’s so excited, he’s gotta make himself a snack: tomorrow’s breakfast eggs, to which he helped himself when he returned.

When he’s gone, Charles says, “No act of kindness goes unpunished” – a saying likely dating to the 1100s.

It was first recorded by a Welshman named Walter Map. 

We had a very strange Welsh person staying with us over the Thanksgiving holiday here, but that’s another story. (Among other things, he tore out our carpeting and locked himself in the bathroom. Both by accident.)

Toby starts singing “Beautiful Dreamer” yet again, quite loudly. And judging from their giggling, Charles and Caroline decide with all the noise, they might as well make love.

WILL: Popcorn.

The next day, Toby does a funny walk up from the soddy past Jason R’s previous experiment, the Kow-1900.

Laura and Albert yell for him to knock ’em dead.

Toby dances Scarecrowishly up the driveway.

If you’re reading this whilst watching the episode, keep your eye on Ray Bolger as the kids continue their conversation. Every single second, he’s doing something different to make Toby’s funny walk entertaining and interesting to watch. And you can see it from so far away! What a talent.

Well, then Albert suggests “cutting by McMurphy’s place” so they can spy on the oldsters, saying he hopes to see them kiss.

WILL: Would you want to see these old people kiss if you were him?

OLIVE: Certainly not.

Little does Albert realize with this simple statement he has given us the precise location of the Old Whipple Place – a thing we never knew before. I’d say it’s near the northern shore of Lake Ellen.

Consider the following.

First, the OWP must be located between the Little House and the Wasteland Area Where Mary Likes To Pick Up Men, since you’ll recall Granville Whipple drove into town from the north and crossed the Wasteland on his way to his mom’s in “Soldier’s Return.” 

So, we can deduce the Whip’s old house is located between the Wasteland Area and the Little House, with at least one property (“McMurphy’s”) in between. This means it must be in the Lake Ellen zone.

Since we know a) “McMurphy’s” lies between the OWP and the Little House, b) there’s not a great distance between the Ingalls property and Lake Ellen, and c) the land immediately northwest of the Little House is owned by someone named Walker, there’s really just one way to get to the Lake Ellen Zone (which is due west of the Little House). 

Or rather two ways, since the main road curves down to the southeast corner of the lake, which would make sneaking through (“McMurphy’s”) woods a more direct and theoretically faster route to the north shore.

All this makes perfect sense, you’ll agree. I doubt the Old Whipple Place is right on the lake, though, because we can’t see any water. Unless the lake is right across from the house and the camera just never bothers to show it to us. 

Well, the kids (and Bandit) cut across “McMurphy’s.”

At the OWP, then, we see Toby Noe and Amanda Cooper having tea, whilst Percy lazes on a table in the foreground.

We notice that Miss C, obviously a much wealthier woman than Mrs. Whipple was, has redecorated the place dramatically, even adding some windows. Or probably somebody flipped it before she bought it.

Miss Cooper asks Toby what he does for a living, and, still speaking in his “refained” accent, he says, “I’m retired.”

The two have a pretty friendly conversation. It’s hard to pay attention to it, though, since Percy Cooper keeps hamming it up on the table.

Miss Cooper says she’s from Louisiana. (Might explain her extreme reaction to Hester-Sue’s singing.)

Toby, who has put a purple flower in his buttonhole (as opposed to butthole – presumably he isn’t wearing a flower there), asks if he might play the piano.

Toby compliments the instrument’s sound. (If nobody in town even plays the piano, who the hell tunes them?)

Toby thinks of “just the song for a pretty Southern girl,” and breaks into a spritely rendition of “Camptown Races.” (I had to learn all these songs in school when I was a kid.)

This is another Foster tune (1850), this one written for a blackface “minstrel” band to perform. (We discussed “minstrelsy” in our recap for “The Wisdom of Solomon.”)

Either because it reminds her of the good old slave days, or simply because the ragtime style is now in its proper context (viz., not in church), or both, Miss Cooper is delighted by the song. 

In fact, she tries to mouth the lyrics at one point, but doesn’t actually seem to know them.

OLIVE: Toby’s suit is really dirty.

Meanwhile, Laura and Albert spy through the window.

So does Bandit, who jumps through the window to chase Percy. 

Percy doesn’t seem all that alarmed actually.

I suppose they drugged him. There’d be no way you could work with a cat on a TV set otherwise.

Bandit runs around breaking bibelots and other valuables (off-camera), and Miss Cooper throws Toby out yet again.

Another sinister piano plonk from the Rose. 

OLIVE: Ha! There’s that “plonk” again.

WILL: It’s Miss Cooper’s rage motif.

Laura and Albert apologize, but Toby tells them not to worry about it. He sadly says it’s time to be movin’ on.

After a commercial, we come back to Ma and Pa in bed, and Ma says, “Well, you certainly were in a good mood tonight.” Quite suggestively!

If this means what I think it does, it would be the first “popcorn twofer” ever depicted in the history of Little House on the Prairie.

Toby Noe comes in in his nightshirt and cap, carrying a lantern. He says he’s hungry.

Charles is not very sympathetic about this, and he says, “There’s nothing left.”

Not even enough for his favorite midnight snack, raw onions and milk? (Such a perfect old-man thing.)

Apparently this combo can give you the toots. (Also a perfect old-man thing.)

Pa says have at ’em.

Whe n Toby leaves, Ma and Pa turn to each other in bed and start giggling breathlessly.

Daytime again. Out by the creek, dragonflies zip hither and thither, and Laura and Albert sit in the sun with the so-often-neglected Baby Grace.

WILL: Did they release those dragonflies? Or were they just there?

OLIVE: They were just there.

Albert says if they want him to continue living in Walnut Grove, “we gotta help Toby marry that old prune,” says Albert.

OLIVE: Heh heh heh. “Old prune.”

Albert comes up with an idea, as his musical theme comes burbling out of his subconscious.

WILL: Albert’s theme is the “Old Dan Tucker” of this season.

The idea, another trope of Twentieth-Century entertainment, is to make Miss Cooper jealous by setting Toby up to date somebody else, in this case “the Widow Mumford.”

Then we see the kids sending Toby off on just such a date, and Albert tells Laura a similar strategy might work with Jason Brooks.

Later, on the playground, we see Jason again.

Behind him, Not-Ellen Taylor, the Smallest Nondescript Helen of Them All, and the Misbehaving Girl are hanging out with the Screaming Laughing Girl who was introduced just this week. Some kind of clique orientation, no doubt.

Jason grimaces as he watches his love object playing marbles with Albert.

Jason declares to Comical Ned that he’s going to go ask Laura to the dance.

But when he approaches Laura, he distracts her into making a bad marble shot.

She’s annoyed, and tells Jason to shut up before he ruins Albert’s shot as well.

Jason says he’d like to ask her something, and she grunts at him to stop bothering them.

“Well,” Jason says in exasperation, “if you haven’t got time for a question, I’d just like to say . . . that you’re a toad face!”

I thought this line was a scream. It reminded me of Corky St. Clair’s immortal “Well, then I just hate you, and I hate your ass face!”

Neither Laura nor David Rose find it very funny, though.

Then we cut to Toby Noe mid-date. 

We can’t see them at first, but we hear a woman saying, “I’ve always gotten on well with musicians,” and going on to talk about an old boyfriend of hers who played the violin. “Ooh, he had such beautiful hands!” she squeals.

OLIVE: Who arranged this date? Albert? I find that hard to picture.

“I would have married him,” she goes on, “but insanity ran in his family, poor man. His mother used to hide his trousers so he couldn’t leave the house, you know!”

This is the Widow Mumford, everybody. She’s a roundish lady with a large black bonnet and a high quavering voice, and I support the idea of immediately giving her a spinoff series. (Or at least getting to sit next to her at a wedding reception!)

Toby suggests they stop for a picnic, right in front of the Old Whipple Place.

Inside, Amanda Cooper sits at the piano, playing “Beautiful Dreamer” with one finger.

She walks to the window, and when she sees Toby and the Widow M picnicking together, she  gasps and says to Percy, “Can you imagine that foolish man goin’ with such an elderly lady?”

Outside, the Widow is squealing with laughter at her own wit. Just like Walter Map!

She seizes Toby’s hand and says she’s going to interpret or deduce things from it.

Then she presses it to her face and literally starts gasping and moaning with pleasure.

“Oh!” she cries. “Oh, so soft! So gentle! So loving!”

WILL: This is like Schmendrick with the tree in The Last Unicorn.

“Oh, you haven’t done much work, have you?” she says hilariously, then turns back to his hand.

“Oh, so tender . . .” she coos; “. . . yet so passionate!  Mr. Noe! Kiss me . . . kiss me . . . KISS ME NOW!”

Then she tackles Toby to the ground.

This remarkable debut is by Ysabel MacCloskey as the Widow Mumford. (Ysabel!)

MacCloskey was in movies including Yours, Mine and Ours and Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and TV shows from The Beverly Hillbillies to Green Acres to The Partridge Family to The Waltons to Police Woman to Mork & Mindy to Benson.

But she can’t have been better in any of them than she is in this.

Inside, Amanda sees them rolling around on the ground and gasps again.

Perhaps suffering a touch of the vapors, she gulps and pants and bulges her eyes, saying to Percy, “All men are animals!”

The scene is so good you may wish to back it up and watch it a few more times. We did.

That night, Laura is crying in bed, and Albert comes over to bring her a hankie.

Laura blows her nose for several minutes – quite hugely too. 

Albert cringes in disgust.

Laura says, “Thanks,” and tries to give the handkerchief back to him, but he’s like, are you kidding?

Then she says she’ll wash it and return it to him. “Why?” he asks. “It’s your handkerchief.”

OLIVE: Ha! This scene is really funny. 

“I guess I really messed up today,” Albert says, and Laura weeps, “You sure did. . . . He called me a toad face!” 

“He was exaggerating,” Albert says reassuringly.

WILL/OLIVE: [squeals of laughter]

Albert says he’ll be her date to the dance; this hardly helps matters any, and Laura says, “You wanna do me a real big favor? Go to sleep!”

OLIVE: That was the most emotional go-to-sleep scene they’ve ever had on this show. Nothing with Mary even came close.

WILL: Yeah. Also the funniest, except maybe for the time Laura dreamed she was being hanged, and Mary goes, “GOODNIGHT, LAURA!”

Albert leaves her to blow more snot into her handkerchief. (If you think that’s disgusting, you should see our Roman sneeze.)

After another break, we see Toby literally follow Charles into the privy, blathering about Amanda Cooper the whole time. 

Then we see Laura and Albert walking to school. For whatever reason, they decide to go straight down the hill by the Mill rather than continue on the shortcut road.

Albert’s newest plan is for Laura to act like she’s in love with Comical Ned. 

He says nothing drives a man crazy like a woman going after his best friend, and if Jim Croce’s “Operator” is any indication, he’s right.

Meanwhile, Boobilicious Boo Berry Ma arrives out at the Old Whipple Place, where Amanda Cooper is weeding marigolds.

Ma tells Miss Cooper she’s come on Toby Noe’s behalf. 

“Did that lunatic put you up to this?” Miss Cooper asks.

“No, this was my idea,” Ma says sadly. Ha! This screenplay is really quite droll.

Miss Cooper says Toby is “sloppy” and “irresponsible,” and that he’s never “worked a day in his life.”

OLIVE: Queen!

Ma praises Toby’s sweet personality, and Miss Cooper says, “If he’s such a prize, why don’t you keep him at your house?”

“I don’t think that’s very nice,” Ma says. A toothless retort, but there’s not really a good answer to that, is there?

Much like Ouiser Boudreaux, of whom she’s reminiscent, or I suppose preminiscent, in some ways, Miss Cooper says she’s had her fill of men in her life, and good riddance.

(Amelia Kaiser, who now of course has an apartment of her own, arrived at our house at this point. We caught her up on the story.)

Miss Cooper then angrily decapitates all her marigolds, one by one.

AMELIA: Whoa.

It’s a funny scene, well-played by Heckart and Grassle.

On the playground then, Laura approaches Jason and Comical Ned. Ned whispers to his friend to apologize for the whole you-know-what-face thing.

But Laura has come to talk to Ned himself. In a simpering voice, she says she’s made him a sandwich.

AMELIA: I think her braids are angled too far forward in this one.

OLIVE: Oh, whatever, Amelia.

[UPDATE: Laura says it’s a peanut butter sandwich, but apparently peanut butter wasn’t really developed until later.]

Laura snuggles up next to Ned on the log where he’s sitting.

Creeped out, he flees, and Jason says, “You know, I was right. You are a toad face.”

Laura whips her head around to look at Albert. 

Who also flees. 

That night at dinner, Caroline tells Toby he needs to clean himself up and get a job if he wants to win Miss Cooper’s respect.

Toby says certainly, he’ll get a haircut immediately – provided Ma gives him one for free.

Charles asks what he thinks about the job part, and Toby says, “Let’s not get carried away, Charles.”

Then he asks for seconds, and Charles says if he wants more he’ll have to eat the offal.

That Sunday, we see Charles knocking on the door of the soddy.

AMELIA: I like that arrangement of the Little House theme, with the brass.

Toby comes out in a new suit, which he said he charged to the Ingallses’ account at the Mercantile. (I can’t for one second imagine Mrs. Oleson allowing that. But if it was Nels . . .)

Charles flips out, and Toby says, “Don’t you yell at me, Charles Ingalls, it’s your fault I don’t have any money.” He says if Charles had brought him to a civilized town, he’d have made all his cash back and more at the gaming tables.

At church, then, the congregation sings “Amazing Grace.” (Attached to its current melody since 1835, the hymn has never before been featured on this show.)

This time there are some blind kids in the congregation.

WILL: See, Reverend Alden finally got the organ he wanted.

AMELIA: . . . Like, a new liver?

The arrangement is austere, but the organ really does make the singing sound better. Aldi was right that it would give their musical offering a booster shot.

Toby Noe looks out into the congregation, where Amanda Cooper gives him a smile.

The camera angle is an unusual one. I don’t know that we’ve ever seen the church’s front window from the inside. (It’s amazing Landon was still coming up with new visual ideas to present the same old church location we’ve seen a million times.)

The three of us tried to determine why this looks weird. It really does.

We came to the conclusion that the congregation always seems to be lit from the front. If sunlight was always streaming in from behind them, their faces would be in shadow.

Apparently “Amazing Grace” concluded the service, and Alden turns to announcements next. 

The town dance, he notes, is to be held “in Larson’s barn.” (This probably means the residence of Sally Larson, now returned from visiting her dying father in Chicago. Her mourning period is presumably over, if she’s hosting a party.) 

Then Aldi announces two birthdays: Frank Finnegan – no doubt a comic and/or villainous fake Irishman who will feature in a future story.

And Amanda Cooper.

AMELIA: Why did he bring up birthdays?

WILL: I don’t know. He usually only announces children’s funerals and the like.

After church, we see the woman from earlier who isn’t Mrs. Foster. She looks a bit like Margaret Atwood.

Toby Noe tells Charles he’d like to take a job at the Mill, so he can buy Miss Cooper a birthday present. (Who’s in charge of the Mill now that Mr. Hanson is dead? That hasn’t been satisfactorily explained.)

Chucklin’ Charles points out he also owes him for the suit.

OLIVE: I don’t think Pa would find that funny.

WILL: No. Landon’s not taking this one all that seriously.

Strangely, we see Not-Ellen Taylor and Not-Margaret Atwood in the Yellow Wheeled Buckboard preparing to drive off behind them, only in the very next shot we see they’ve decided to walk home as well.

Toby catches up with Miss Cooper and tells her about his new job.

Toby accompanies her back to her house, and we hear the tail end of an anecdote he’s sharing:

TOBY NOE: And he said to me, “Do you think it will rain?” And I said . . . 

AMANDA COOPER: Yes?

TOBY NOE: . . . “It always has.” 

[The two roar with laughter.]

TOBY NOE: And then . . . he said to me again, he said, “Do you think it’ll snow?” And I said, “It always does.”

OLIVE: What a great story. . . .

Unimpressed though Olive was at his tale, Toby and Miss C bust their guts laughing.

When they arrive at the house, Toby asks her to call him Toby rather than “Mr. Noe,” and invites her to the dance.

Amanda says yes to both, and also invites him to dinner.

Toby kisses her hand – tenderly, yet so passionately.

He pauses a long time, then says, “Till Thursday . . . my Southern rose.”

AMELIA: Okay, that’s a little much.

WILL: Well, they had to fill it out to an hour and a half somehow.

OLIVE: Yeah. “And he asked, ‘Will it rain?’ And I said, ‘It always has.’ . . .”

Toby scampers away.

AMELIA: Totally the Scarecrow.

Next we see Toby working away at the Mill, and dancing as he does so.

Jonathan Garvey and Charles are delighted to see him take to the job so well.

OLIVE: Charles’s chest is, like, the perfect roast chicken color.

Then we see Toby shopping for brooches at the Mercantile. (He can afford to buy jewelry after working just a couple days?)

Nels sweetly helps him pick one that’s beautiful, but won’t break the bank.

Nels goes backstage to wrap the gift . . . just as we see the Widow Mumford arriving at the store.

She struggles to squeeze her frame through the door. (Fat Joke #30.)

Toby hides behind a rack of dresses, which of course the Widow immediately gravitates to.

She considers a few options (“Green doesn’t become your beauty,” she says to herself – ha!), then spots Toby.

“Peek-a-boo, you devil, you!” she screams.

The Widow Mumford assumes Toby followed her inside, and when she asks what he thought of their date, he says, “Every time I touch my ribs, I think they’re broken.” (Fat Joke #31.)

The Widow says she couldn’t resist jumping on him, because he resembles her late husband. “Now I know how he died!” Toby says. (#32.)

But the Widow just squeals with glee.

Then quick as a flash, her manner changes to lustful. 

“But you’re . . . alive,” she warbles.

Then of course Nels brings out the jewelry box, which the Widow thinks is a present Toby bought for her. 

She lunges at him.

But Toby uses Nels as a human shield, and escapes.

I bet it was pretty hard to steal a scene from Ray Bolger. (Victor Fleming, who directed The Wizard of Oz, famously described him, Jack Haley and Bert Lahr as “three dirty hams” for upstaging Judy Garland.)

But Ysabel MacCloskey manages it, somehow.

Well, at Amanda Cooper’s house for dinner, Toby compliments her cooking. 

To his credit, he’s not taking food off her plate or stealing it out of her kitchen. Obviously he’s been practicing mindfulness and is controlling himself for once.

They’re drinking coffee during the meal, which some may find odd, but I do that sometimes. And I’d never get these recaps done without it – it’s my own uisge beatha.

But then Toby starts talking about marriage, which is too heavy a topic for Amanda.

She likes the brooch, but she asks him to leave, saying this just isn’t going to work long-term.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Toby says. “You need me.” (Not really a wise thing to say to women, then or now.)

“I don’t need anyone,” she says. 

Then she turns from feminist arguments to classist ones, saying, “You have been a tramp most of your life.” (Who told her that? Harriet Oleson, I suppose.)

WILL: And she doesn’t even know about the drinking and gambling yet.

But when pressed for more concrete reasons, she says he’s too old, and isn’t good-looking enough. Neither argument is very convincing, but neither is the notion that the two of them have fallen head over heels in love after just a week or so.

Looking stunned and sad, Toby gets up to leave. 

Amanda tries to give him back his brooch, and we see she has tears in her eyes.

He won’t take it, though.

Next, we see Toby in daylight, explaining his feelings.

We assume he’s talking to Laura and Al, but it’s actually Baby Grace.

WILL: Where the hell would they have gotten an orange?

AMELIA: They grow them up in the mountains.

That night, we see Toby has found a jug of liquor somewhere and gotten drunk in the Ingallses’ barn.

I’m not sure where he got it from, since the Mercantile doesn’t sell any, and Mr. Edwards, formerly a local producer of fine spirits, is long gone.

But we know Jonathan Garvey enjoys a tipple – enough to steal it, actually – so he probably referred Toby to a source. (I bet Nels sells some contraband behind Mrs. O’s back. Probably at cost!)

Suddenly livid, Toby marches back to the Old Whipple Place and screams at the door.

Once again, Percy Cooper lounges on a table in the foreground. 

Percy quacks like a duck again. I’m pretty sure it’s Landon himself on vocals. (Talk about your dirty hams!)

Amanda opens the door in shock.

“First of all,” Toby says, “you’re older than I am. Anyone can see that.”

(Ha! Ray Bolger was actually fifteen years older than Eileen Heckart, but I don’t think he looks it.)

“Second of all, I’m better-lookin’ than you,” he adds. “Don’t you dare call me ugly!”

“I never said that,” Amanda says with feeling.

Toby says she’s afraid of change, and of the emotional openness required to have a relationship with a human rather than a cat.

Not angrily, but not softening either, Amanda says, “You have said your piece. You can go now.”

Percy flips his tail distractingly, and Toby prepares to go as David gives us a mournful arrangement of “Camptown Races” – perhaps the first mournful arrangement of “Camptown Races” in world history, but it works.

He pauses and says, “I have loved you.”

(Doo-dah, doo-dah.)

“Spend the rest of your life talkin’ to that dumb cat,” he says sadly, and leaves.

AMELIA: That’s a good mic drop.

The next morning, Toby, depressed and no doubt hung-over, appears in the Common Room. He alarms the family when he refuses breakfast.

Ma even sits down in shock. HA!

Toby politely asks Pa if he could bring him back to the train station as soon as it’s convenient.

The kids are upset. Albert points out now they won’t have an accordion player for the big dance. (One might point out Thomas the Blond Freckle-Faced Moppet could do it, but we’re getting to the last gasp of this story and must sustain momentum. We’ve no time for such nonsense.)

For the sake of the children, Toby says he’ll stay one more day.

That night, Laura brushes her hair, which looks quite pretty.

AMELIA: She’s starting to grow up.

She’s not enthused about the dance, for a couple reasons you’re familiar with if you’ve been paying attention.

Pa comes up and says it’s time to go, noting Hester-Sue will be babysitting so he and Ma can go to the dance. (Hester-Sue loves music but hates romance, so this tracks.)

Laura says she and Nellie are the only girls who don’t have dates (this seems unlikely). She notes Nellie won’t have a problem getting dance partners, though – she bribes ’em with candy.

And now we come to the dance itself. 

Just like the dance Charles and Caroline attended in Wisconsin when they were children, this one is decorated with Chinese paper lanterns, which apparently dominated the barn-dance party-favor market from the 1850s through the 1880s in the Little House Universe.

A very lively band is playing “Sweet Betsy From Pike,” another old American song I had to learn in elementary school. It was another favorite of mine, though looking at the original lyrics I’m noticing our classroom version was censored. (It certainly didn’t mention Sweet Betsy’s “bare ass”!)

Hard to find an unexpurgated performance of the song, but here is a nice one:

The song’s from the 1850s.

Anyways, Jason Brooks and the Non-Binary Kid are hanging out in the hayloft, but not together. (Non-Binary can be kind of douchey.)

NB descends the ladder, and we see the dance is quite well-attended. (I love when they have dances on this show.)

NB asks Nellie to dance (so presumably Laura was right about her ability to attract partners).

But Laura is a wallflower, and we see she and Jason are sneaking looks at one another.

Nels and Harriet are there and dancing up a storm. I love when they show these two having fun together.

Ma, Albert and Carrie are loitering by the refreshment table, Pa is fake-fiddlin’ away, and Toby is playing the accordion with a glum look on his face.

AMELIA: It’s John Linnell.

Meanwhile, Amanda Cooper and Percy are at home, celebrating her birthday with a single cupcake. (Somebody on the production team went cupcake-crazy with this one.)

The Larson barn must also be on the north shore of Lake Ellen, because Amanda can hear the music from her front room.

Percy tries to direct his mistress’s attention to the brooch Toby gave her – he actually picks it up and drops it. I don’t know how they managed to get him to do that. Cats are very intelligent, but my understanding is there’s very little research out there on the subject, because cats simply “opt not to participate” when recruited for behavioral studies.

Suddenly, Amanda calls him stupid and chastises herself for choosing him over a warm-bodied human.

She suddenly grabs the brooch and gives Percy the cupcake (which he immediately consumes).

 Back at the dance, the band have changed their tune, so to speak.

AMELIA: Is that “Crow Black Chicken”?

WILL: It is quite similar.

I couldn’t find a publication date for “Crow Black Chicken,” but it seems to be an old traditional song, so it’s probably okay. Here it is performed by a favorite local band of ours, the marvelous Roe Family Singers:

Toby has become so depressed he stops playing.

But then Miss Amanda Cooper appears in the door, wearing her new brooch and looking quite pretty. 

Toby looks at her with surprise and wonder, and she smiles.

Charles Ingalls gawks and grins shamelessly at the lovers.

OLIVE: Pa’s fiddle playing is not the best in this one.

WILL: Oh, who cares! I love this scene.

Toby grins wildly and jumps back into the song.

Charles whispers to the band to switch to “Beautiful Dreamer.” He can meddle even with both hands occupied, can’t he? I bet he could do it hogtied and gagged. 

AMELIA: Did he and Caroline have popcorn in this one? 

OLIVE: Yeah.

WILL: Three times!

Toby crosses the room to ask Amanda to dance.

Jason Brooks grins at them, though why he should care is beyond me.

OLIVE: I think he’s cute.

AMELIA: You like ’em “interesting,” though.

Laura, Nellie, Not-Linda Hunt, and a little girl who looks like Mary if they de-aged her about ten years, also watch with interest as the two begin dancing.

Overwhelmed by the romance of the moment, Jason finally asks Ol’ Toad Face – excuse me, I mean Laura – to dance.

He apologizes too.

As they begin to dance, the camera pulls back. The other couples we’ve noticed in this scene include Miniature Art Garfunkel and the Screaming Laughing Girl, Willie and Not-Linda, the AEK and Little Baby Mary, and the Gelfing Boy and Not-Ellen Taylor.

Of course, Harriet and Nels are dancing wonderfully at the end of this story, looking very much in love.

No blindsters, though. You’d think they’d be more likely to enjoy this than, say, a football game.

As for what happens to Toby Noe and Amanda Cooper after this, we never find out, since we never see them again. There is an anthrax outbreak on the horizon, though, so that probably explains it. 

Probably for the best – Toby would have ruined her in no time. Bum-Bum-Ba-Dum!

STYLE WATCH: Toby’s dirty glen plaid suit is the one he bought new in “There’s No Place Like Home.” (I used to have one a bit like it myself.)

Amanda Cooper wears a nifty snood.

I think Pa has on a new nightshirt.

Also in the sleepwear category, Albert is wearing a stylish dressing gown we’ve never seen before, and Miss Cooper has a comfy-looking yellow nightie.

Albert wears Junior’s Cut Pinky a couple times. (I know it’s more of a lavender, but it would be absurd to call a shirt “Lavendery.”)

Charles appears to go commando again.

THE VERDICT: The combination of a big heart and brain (get it?) make this one a true winner, though our commentators thought it could be cut to 45 minutes without losing much. 

Bolger and Heckart are charming, the direction and cinematography are great, and the script is very witty. 

Plus, Hester-Sue, Mrs. Oleson, Percy Cooper, and especially the Widow Mumford steal the show. 

Longest recap ever – sorry. Happy New Year! See ya next time.

UP NEXT: The Sound of Children