“May We Make Them Proud” (Part Two)

The Nineteenth-Century Betty Hazelden; or

Nellie, You’re Letting This Place Go to the Dogs

(a recap by Will Kaiser)

Title: “May We Make Them Proud” [sic]

Airdate: February 4, 1980

Written and directed by Michael Landon

SUMMARY: Mary has lost her marbles with grief, so the show locks her in a hotel room to focus on Albert’s feelings.

RECAP: And we’re back! We pick up where we left off.

Once again, it’s not clear how much time is passing, but the first thing we see is Albert muckin’ the auld byre at night.

Pa comes out and says Alb’s been working too hard.

Then he says they’ll soon be taking a trip to Tracy, a real town mentioned a number of times on this show but not yet seen.

But Albert flips out, mewling and sobbing that he can’t leave Mary.

Pa comforts him, whispering that he needs to talk about whatever’s been upsetting him.

DAISY [as ALBERT, screaming]: “I’M GAY, ALL RIGHT?!”

(As a reminder, we had Original Groovesters Daisy, Raja and Ruthie with us, as well Amelia and her Little House-loving friend Allie.)

Albert says he doesn’t know why he’s sad. Pa doesn’t buy it, but doesn’t push it either.

Ultimately, Albert says he’ll go with Pa on the trip.

Next we see Albert sitting outside a Post Office and General Store, presumably in Tracy.

Inside, Charles is going over his delivery paperwork with a friendly shopkeeper who complains about how expensive wholesale goods are getting.

Credited as “Herb Gooder,” this shopkeeper is played by Paul Barselou, who was on Bonanza, Dennis the Menace, Perry Mason, Gunsmoke, Bewitched, Maude, The Jeffersons, Father Murphy, Three’s Company, and Highway to Heaven. And many things besides, but I’m trying to be economical.

Pa starts looking at some Pieper rifles. (Cheapish Belgian-made arms that were popular across the United States at this time.)

The price for the Pieper is $2.55, or about eighty bucks today.

Charles calls Albert in and says he wants to buy it for him as a present.

ALLIE: Great idea. [as CHARLES:] “My kid’s been real depressed, I’ll get him a gun.”

But instead of showing interest in the gun, Albert instead randomly opens a music box, which plays . . . 

. . . you guessed it, Mary’s favorite earworm, Brahms’ Lullaby. (As I said last week, it was a popular tune by this time.)

Albert turns to Pa and mewls that he wants the music box instead of the gun, as a gift to give to Mary.

(This moment has echoes, of course, of Mr. Edwards trying and failing to endear himself to John Junior with a similar gift of firearms. This may or may not be intentional.)

He says it’s for Mary, and Pa, who as we know is something of a freethinker, approves of this namby-pamby suggestion. (Mr. Ed would just pretend he hadn’t heard and do the gun purchase anyway.)

Albert then takes the music box, and, never looking up, does a zombie walk out into the street. 

(He’s lucky he didn’t get run down by a woman test-driving a racehorse, as happened in these little towns sometimes.)

We then see the Chonkwagon in motion at a distance, across an amber wave of grain.

DAGNY: God, this is a beautiful shot.

David Rose, meanwhile, gives us a similarly beautiful Holst-style variation on the Brahms tune. Pastoral-sounding.

RUTHIE: Where is that other kid who was smoking?

DAGNY: Yeah, you’d think they’d track him down and kill him.

WILL: Or just talk to him.

DAGNY: Oh, yeah, or that.

Tracy is eight miles from Walnut Grove, so you could make a trip there and back from Walnut Grove in a day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wonder why they didn’t just use Tracy in the first place instead of having all those impossible trips to Sleepy Eye and Mankato they claimed happened the same day.

All the Ings’ horses and all the Ingsmen arrive home by sunset. (Note the direction of the light, all ye who have questioned my map!)

Ma brings Pa dire reports on both Mary and the drunkard Jonathan Garvey.

Albert holds his gift box proudly and says he can’t wait to give it to Mary.

RAJA: Is this really a good idea? Giving her a music box that plays her insanity theme?

Albert announces he’s “goin’ to town,” so I guess it can’t be sunset yet, and direction of the light be damned.

Bless my soul, that’s the first time I’ve seen that child smile and so forth, says Ma.

Her optimism is undercut, however, by the sight in the background of the KOW 1900, which apparently has dropped dead.

When Albert is gone, Ma gives Pa a sort of psssst look, and whispers Andrew Garvey is up to the loft.

Pa heads up. (In a nice touch, we notice Ma has brought their guest some milk and cookies.)

(We also notice The Famous Dictionary!)

Well, indeed, Andy is up there, at his weepiest/soggiest.

AMELIA: Where the hell is Laura? Are she and Andy even friends anymore?

Pa hugs and comforts him.

WILL [as CHARLES]: “Look on the bright side. At least you don’t have to worry about your parents getting divorced anymore.”

Again, Patrick L is great here. Wish he’d had a bigger part in it.

Well, Pa says he’ll take on the Big Jon assignment and hugs Andy again.

He departs, and Andy lies down in a position that allows us to count the actual hair follicles in his teenstache.

Next we see Nellie’s, with Mr. Dawson, Part One’s Mysterious Bloke in the Vest and Hat, sitting on the porch. (We theorized Mr. D was Doc’s new beau.)

(In fact, do you think we just missed Doc doing the Walk of Shame after a hotel rendezvous? It has been a stressful week. . . .)

(Actually, Dawson’s pose suggests a sort of “what have I done?” attitude. Maybe things didn’t go great.)

On the other hand, I think Dawson is holding a newspaper, so probably he’s just literally keeping his head down – i.e., “playing it cool” – whilst Doc leaves. Due to the sensibilities of the time, I mean.

Now, regular reader Ben – a Little House superfan who is far more knowledgeable than I am about the show than I am – writes that when this episode aired in syndication, it contained an additional scene here that for some reason was snipped from the streaming versions available today:

[“Part Two”] is missing a scene; would you notice its absence? It’s the scene where Nellie attacks her favorite customer with a raw chicken. I really want that scene back; I can’t find it anywhere, but I know I had it on a VHS tape I had made of a syndication rerun. . . . [It happens] when Albert comes to deliver the music box, so it starts after establishing shot of restaurant. Inside Nellie delivers burned chicken, and as she takes it back to the kitchen, Albert comes in and intercepts Laura going upstairs with juice. He takes the juice from her and says he’ll sit with Mary. Laura goes back to the kitchen to make Mary soup when Nellie comes back with raw chicken. Scene ends after she hits the customer with it, and we’re back with Albert bringing Mary the juice.

I don’t remember this scene myself, but hopefully this image captures something of its flavor:

Albert enters Mary’s room with the package. As Ben mentioned, he’s carrying a glass of apple juice he sets on the dresser or bureau or what have you. (It didn’t look that much like apple juice to us, though.)

DAISY [as ALBERT]: “I’ve brought you a urine sample, Mary.”

Albert gives Mary the box, but she says nothing.

He begs her to open it, then does so himself. (Matthew L’s performance is great, going far beyond the showy displays of crying we discussed last week.)

Albert says the gift will “make you laugh.” I’m not sure why he says that.

Then he adds that “everything will be the way it was.” I understand why he says that, because he thinks it. But I’m not sure why he thinks it.

He opens the box of Brahms, immediately saying with an air of desperation, “I know it’s your favorite! Do you like it?”

WILL: If only Granville Whipple were still alive! He’d know how to do music therapy properly.

Mary’s head turns slowly, like a mannequin coming to life on that Twilight Zone episode.

David brings in an ironic juxtaposition of distant thunder music with the tinkly Brahms.

RAJA: If this doesn’t work, they’ll have to summon Brahms himself.

(Brahms was 49 in 1882, so it isn’t out of the question.)

Albert starts getting hysterical as Mary’s eyes grow wider and wider. 

The music builds until the Hospice Harpist goes crazy and Mary suddenly screams, “MY BABY! MY BABY!”

She keeps screaming it over and over again. Emotional brutality to match the physical brutality of the story’s first half.

Albert recoils as from a snake, breathing heavily and finally screaming, “I DIDN’T MEAN IT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! OH, I DIDN’T MEAN IT!”

Albert screams so hard his voice cracks like a little child’s.

(Matthew L’s performance goes far beyond showy displays of screaming, though.)

Hearing the screams, Laura runs from the kitchen to the stairs.

The customers look about in alarm. (Mustache Man and Dark Bonnet are amongst them.)

AMELIA: Nellie, you’re letting this place go to the dogs.

Interestingly, one of the diners bears a marked resemblance to fan fave character Hans “Rubberface” Dorfler!

Dorfler will return again next week, so I feel confident saying this really is him. And of course, that must make his dining companion the mentioned-but-never before seen Mrs. Dorfler!

Anyways, Albert flies past Laura and out the door.

Laura rushes upstairs to embrace Mary, and Nellie rushes to get Doc.

I know we’re getting to Nellie’s big transformation story, but as others have pointed out, there have been some nods this season to her becoming a more compassionate person, or at least less of a sociopath.

Her role in this story is small, but I like how quick and unquestioningly helpful she is in it.

After a break, we see Charles driving out to the Old Sanderson Place.

Inside, Jonathan Garvey, glass in hand, is leafing through photos of Gilded Age-types. Butt-In Chuck enters without knocking.

DAISY: What is that, an album of U.S. Presidents?

RAJA: Yeah. It was the Nineteenth-Century equivalent of Us Weekly.

We see Garvey is drinking Jonathan Collier Bourbon. This is a fake brand used in many Hollywood Westerns, including the original True Grit, Gunsmoke, Robert Altman’s McCabe & Mrs. Miller, Clint Eastwood’s Unforgiven, and even our other family fave, Deadwood. 

In the corner, the “Terror of the Autons” chair watches and waits.

Garvey doesn’t even look up, but he does grin drunkenly and say “Look at that picture.”

Apparently he’s referring to a wedding picture of himself and Alice. (We’ve never actually seen a photograph taken on this show.)

Garvey says it was a cheap fly-by-night wedding at the local registrar. He remembers them laughing at peeling paint coming down from the ceiling like snow, and takes another swig.

He asks Charles why he’s come, and he gives him some crap about “just stoppin’ by.” (Chuck’s eyes are already weepy.)

Garvey says he’s fine, but when Chuck says, “Well, your son’s not,” he says “Get out of here, Charles.” (Rare silence from our gallery – for a moment, anyways.)

AMELIA: This is like “you know the food is good when nobody’s talking.”

Things quickly escalate to Big Jon threatening his friend, saying, “I don’t want to hurt you, Charles.”

WILL [as JON PERTWEE]: “I wouldn’t advise you to try!”

RAJA: He should keep Pa prisoner, like in “My Ellen.”

RUTHIE: I think he could capture Charles. He’s strong.

ALLIE: But is he as smart?

RUTHIE: No, but he’s not stupid. 

WILL: Yeah. He knows more about wild animals than anyone Doc Baker’s ever met.

But Charles just chuckles gently and pivots the conversation back to Andy.

Breaking down then, Garvey says, “. . . I just don’t seem to know what I’m doin’. Oh, dear God. . . .”

(Olsen is great here. Groovy-worthy, even.)

Garvey asks, “Am I just supposed to forget her?”

WILL [as CHARLES]: “Maybe think of her having sex with that Harold guy. It might help.”

Actually, Chuckles talks of balancing grief and memory with hope and action for the future. I’m not gonna go through every line of this scene, but it’s a beautiful exchange and both actors shine.

I will tell you that Chuck closes his argument by saying, “We gotta try to live in a way . . . that will make them proud.” (Will, not would have. The script for this one, by Landon himself of course, is finely crafted.)

Garvey sets down his glass of whiskey (others have pointed out it’s full despite his not refilling it) and sits down in the “TotA” chair with the photo album.

“Oh, dear God,” he says again quietly, covers his face, and sobs.

Weeping himself by this point, Charles begs him to embrace living again, for Andy’s sake.

He tries a couple different therapy techniques, including channeling Alice herself.

Landon lays it on as thick as can be. When Jennifer Paterson of Two Fat Ladies died, someone described her manner of spreading butter as having “an almost pornographic zeal.” That’s the way Landon acts here.

In the end, Garvey asks Charles to take him to Andy.

AMELIA: So Garvey’s just cured?

RUTHIE: Those Pa talks are powerful.

WILL: Charles has cured alcoholism before. Remember that guy who saw the bats.

DAGNY: Yeah. He’s basically the Nineteenth-Century Betty Hazelden.

This scene is the perfect sentimental Little House sundae, a big shmoopy manly heap with schmaltz and shprinkles over the top, and we applauded at the end.

As they’re coming out of the house, Laura comes running to tell them about what happened with Mary.

The three race back to town, and now the sun does set.

Mr. Dawson and J.C. Fusspot are passing by Nellie’s again.

Mary isn’t screaming anymore, just rolling her head groggily. 

“It wasn’t the medicine I gave her,” Doc is saying. “She was drained, exhausted.”

DAGNY: You know, Doc just talks out of his ass, doesn’t he.

DAISY: Yeah, Ma knows it. They all know it.

Mary comes to, asks for Ma and Pa, and, realizing they’re there, announces, “My baby’s dead.” Kind of formally.

AMELIA: That is some eye makeup for somebody who’s been catatonic for a month.

Mary helpfully explains that “Brahms’ Lullaby” snapped her out of it, though she doesn’t explain how it did so.

Mary asks where Albert is, and Ma says he was upset by her coming out of her trance. “It frightened him a little,” she says.

RAJA [as MA]: “You screaming hysterically, I mean.”

DAISY [as MARY]: “My baby! My baby!”

“You were pretty violent when I got here, young lady,” Doc chuckles.

WILL: Yeah, wouldn’t she be, like, “Ouch, my arms!”

Mary says perhaps Albert’s final words, “It was an accident!”, might explain why he fled.

WILL: Would she really give a shit where Albert is right now? She’s just waking up from a coma.

RAJA: Yeah. Plus her baby’s dead.

Ma and Pa dismiss Albert’s words as gibberish, but Hester-Sue, who for some reason is also in the room, deduces that Albert was smoking in the basement that day.

DAGNY: She Bloodhound-Gang-ed it.

DAISY: Yeah, three weeks too late.

They all connect the dots: Albert is to blame.

Pa looks grim.

RAJA [as CHARLES]: “Get the rope.”

Back at the Little House, Andrew Garvey’s sitting on Jonathan’s lap in Ma’s chair. (I think he’s a bit old for that, but of course Jonathan being a giant does make him look small-child-sized, and anyways these are special circumstances.)

I hope the rocking chair doesn’t collapse under Garvey’s size. We have weird old wooden rocker in our house, and I sometimes worry when people sit in it.

Laura has apparently sobered Big Jon up with coffee.

Pa returns and asks Garvey to join him for an adventure if he’s fit, Holmes-and-Watson-style.

Andy gets to have a sleepover with Laura at the Little House. (Might be too old for that, too.)

Suddenly we’re in some strange house, where a man in a bathrobe answers a knock at the door.

AMELIA: Is this the same show?

Why, at the door is Charles Ingalls, who, addressing the man as “Hank,” asks to speak to his son – Clay! (aka The Obnoxious Other Boy Who Burned Down the Blind School.)

(Hank Mays is Tobias Anderson, who was on The Incredible Hulk, Knots Landing, Roseanne, and Grimm, and had a vigorous stage career in later years.)

RUTHIE: Why would Charles bring Jonathan along for this? He’ll probably murder the kid.

Mr. Mays questions the hour, but strangely not their reason for wanting to talk to his son in the first place.

So, he hauls Clay/Cousin Charity out of bed in the middle of the night.

Long story short, the kid confesses, then runs away suddenly. (But nobody kills him.)

Charles’s eyes water again as the truth of what’s happened sinks in. (I wonder if Landon had a special hydration regimen for stories where Chuck cries this much.)

Charles turns to look at Garvey, but he doesn’t seem especially shocked or angry.

At least, from what we can tell he doesn’t. The camera doesn’t even bring him into focus.

Pa thanks Mr. Mays and they exit.

ALLIE: So the dad doesn’t have anything to say about his son being a murderer?

I guess not. Outside, Charles says, “God,” and Jonathan Garvey just looks confused.

Commercial!

WILL: Why does everything need to have food in it now? Do we really need Tylenol with cucumber and sandalwood in it?

RAJA: Sandalwood’s not food.

DAGNY: No, but you can lick it.

When we return, Charles, Jonathan and Caroline are sitting around the table before the fire. Albert has not come home.

Pa suddenly says “Quinn!”, then adds, “The boy’s real father . . . If he’s gonna go to anybody, he’d go to him!”

That conclusion makes zero sense to me, but nevertheless, here we are. You’ll recall Jeremy Quinn was an irascible man, originally from the Southern U.S., who left Baby Albert at an orphanage in Pierre, Dakota Territory, circa 1871-J, then hunted him down when he needed a farm hand years later.

Ma says “Judge Adams in Redwood City” could give them Quinn’s address. As others have noticed, she means Redwood Falls. Karen Grassle was perhaps more familiar with Redwood City, California, than Redwood Falls, Minnesota.

But in-universe, maybe “Redwood City” is just Caroline’s affectionate nickname for Redwood Falls; I won’t count it as an error.

Judge Adams was the nice official who oversaw Albert’s adoption by the Ingallses.

Pa instantly concludes that that’s where Albert must have gone, because Adams would be his only hope of contacting Quinn! I don’t know what seems less likely to me, that they would figure this out so quickly, or that Albert would actually do it in the first place. Regardless, Pa is obsessed with the idea.

Anyways, it’s nearly dawn – Pa checks Lansford’s heirloom watch and says the sun will be up by 6:10. (That would put in the middle of summer, so we’ll ignore it and assume Chuck misspoke. He has been up all night, after all.)

So off he and Garvey go to Redwood Falls! (About the same distance away from the Grove as Sleepy Eye, viz., a full day’s drive.)

Then we find ourselves back at the Redwood County Courthouse from “The Family Tree.” (It’s actually quite odd to have specific references to a previous story like this on Little House.)

Townspeople observed wandering around include J.C. Fusspot, Bret Harper’s Former Underling Rod, Not-Richard Libertini, and Not-Victor Kiriakis, and I also think that might be Mr. Dawson again on a horse.

Albert arrives on the back of a wagon, Oliver Twist–style. (How did he pick this vehicle to stow away on? I doubt he asked the driver for a lift, since he doesn’t thank him when he jumps off. And if this is the same morning, that means he must have traveled all through the night.) 

Albert enters the courthouse, where he’s met by the Judge’s aide-de-camp Nurse/Receptionist Johnson, whom we’ve met a few times previously. (Actor Naomi White/Ross joins the Four Timer Club with this appearance.)

(You’ll recall Nurse/Receptionist J was not above sneaking a peek at callipygian Charles in “The Family Tree.”)

(Today, we also notice Not-Richard Libertini through the window.)

N/R Johnson tells Albert the Judge won’t arrive for another hour, but tells him he can wait in his office.

Albert heads in as the Alamo Tourist from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventures and a female companion arrive with a question.

Albert goes to town rooting around in the judge’s files.

He pulls a file and reads the following bizarre passage, scrawled in Prospero’s Books calligraphy:

. . . ‘Tis not as much as Samuel or Doctor W or indeed myself would have wished. On the other hand . . . To see the delegates together at City Tavern at nightfall. And to hear such gentlemen as the very respected Colonel Washington of Virginia voicing the same concerns as the men of Boston – while we all indulge ourselves in Madeira and great heaps of baked oysters – that my dearest daughter is an experience not capable of being fully described, only savored in the proud heart.

Albert flips the page, and we can make out this further fragment:

. . . sir, . . . the sentence . . . His Majesty . . . to the gallows . . . until death . . . your soul.

Very quickly, this passage refers to City Tavern, a Philadelphia watering hole frequented by would be American Revolutionaries like Samuel Adams (“Samuel”), Dr. Joseph Warren (“Doctor W”), and George Washington.

What these documents are doing in the Judge’s adoption files, I don’t know. But despite the implication his bio dad was a Revolutionary War hero or spy, Albert skips over them to find his adoption paperwork.

Dated “May 27, 1881” (we had “The Family Tree” set in the fall of 1881-J, but close enough), the form is signed by Jeremy Quinn, with his residence given as “R.t. [sic] 4, Olney, Minnesota.” 

(Olney is a real place, sixty miles south of Walnut Grove on the Iowa border. Founded 1873, population 232 in 2000.)

(We had assumed Jeremy Quinn came to Redwood Falls from Pierre, but in fact Quinn never mentioned where he was currently residing in the earlier story.)

We also see Judge Adams’s initials are “G.G.” Noted.

There are some additional dates on the form – “April 20, 1848” (Quinn’s birthdate?) and “April 24” (year obscured).

They missed filling out the blank for county (it just says “Minn.”), but Olney is in Nobles County.

Albert clumsily shoves the file back into the drawer and exits the building. (Nurse/Receptionist Johnson is busy dealing with other people who need a-judgin’, so she doesn’t notice.)

After he’s gone, Ol’ G.G. himself pulls up in a surrey. (Adams is again played by John Zaremba.)

Addressing his big goon of a driver as “Jason,” Judge Adams complains of a hangover. (Like Mr. Ames was at the end, Judge Adams will be a little livelier in this story than he was when we first met him.)

Jason is played by Tom Kindle, who was on Fantasy Island, Mork & Mindy, Alice, M*A*S*H and Highway to Heaven and in the Pat Petersen vehicle Alligator.

Before the Honorable Judge GGA makes it into the building, Chuck and Big Jon call to him from the sidewalk.

(The timing impossibilities pile up throughout this story. As I suggested, it’s a fair journey to Redwood Falls from the Grove. Google Maps suggests it’s a fourteen-hour walk. Given they left at dawn, I can’t imagine they’d have gotten there earlier than evening.) 

Despite his hangover and the fact that it’s been nearly ten years in LHUT, the Judge remembers Charles, of course. (Who wouldn’t?)

(Actually, given they didn’t have Internet Brain Rot yet in those days, it’s maybe not so surprising he remembers.)

Making a crack about “some medicine there that I need desperately,” and despite their not having an appointment, the Judge says he’ll see them at once.

Nurse/Receptionist Johnson tries to tell the Judge about Albert, but he just says, “Later, Miss Horgell.” (He’s clearly still a little drunk, so we’ll give him a pass on the wrong name.)

Judge Adams does indeed hit the seltzer powder. (Was Alka-Seltzer a silent sponsor of this season or something?)

Passing his portrait of Alfred Packer, the Judge says he was given a “Man of the Year” party the previous night.

Charles says Albert has run away. “The circumstances are complicated, and it has nothing to do with how he’s been getting along with us,” he says quickly.

RAJA [as JONATHAN GARVEY]: “Yeah. It’s a long fuckin’ story, Judge.”

Chuck admits there’s no evidence Albert came here, but “it just seems the most likely.”

ALL: [exchange doubtful/quizzical looks/shrugs]

The Judge observes that runaways “usually head back to their old stompin’ grounds.” (An expression indeed around by then.)

“I can’t believe he’d go all the way to Winoka,” Charles says. (It’s four times the distance from home as Redwood Falls.)

ALLIE: Why doesn’t Pa believe he could get to Winoka? He went to California once on a train.

Garvey suggests they “go partway back” to look for him, but Winoka is the opposite direction of Redwood Falls from Walnut Grove.

Out on the road, Albert watches as a wagon driven by a badly disguised Carl the Flunky goes by.

RAJA [as AMERICA, singing]: “Walkin’ maaaaaaan’s roooooooooad. . . . .”

He stows away onboard, and we see a sign that reads Olney, 14 miles.

Olney is also the opposite direction from home as Walnut Grove, so we’ll assume some time has passed and Albert is now near Reading, Minnesota – 14 miles from Olney. (Fifty from Walnut Grove.)

Back in Redwood Effs, Judge Adams re-enters his chambers and says “he’s guilty,” even though nobody’s there.

Nurse/Receptionist Johnson/Horgell brings him some lunch, and the two laugh about him overdoing it last night.

N/R J/H mentions Albert, and the two quickly deduce what’s happened. The Judge barks for her to get his hired goon Jason, stat!

Well, Albert makes it to the Quinn property, consisting of a couple Bob Ross-type cabins in the woods.

AMELIA: Does he find him?

RUTHIE: I think he finds his grave.

ALLIE: Oh, did he burn to death too?

Albert looks into one of the shacks and sees farm tools and a mattress on a rusty bedframe.

WILL: This is like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Albert wanders around calling his father’s name, eventually finding, yes, Quinn’s grave.

Suddenly ecstatic, David Rose emits an arrangement of Albert’s Theme in the style of Liberace.

RAJA: He probably died because Albert didn’t go back with him.

ALLIE: Yeah, he’s got three deaths on his head now.

AMELIA: Who buried him?

DAISY: I don’t know. It doesn’t look like anybody bought the farm. Well, except him, haw haw!

Alb kneels by the grave.

RAJA [ghostly JEREMY QUINN voice]: “Aaaaaaalbert . . . why did you pretend to be blind? . . . .”

WILL: Yeah, a hand should spring up like in Carrie.

(Olive and Amelia’s stepdad Ted is obsessed with movies where zombie hands come up out of graves, but we don’t have time to talk about that now.)

Next we see Pa and Big Jon taking another poop break by a lake.

RAJA: Look! It’s one of the Ten Thousand Lakes.

“The next town’s Garland,” Garvey says. (There is no Garland, Minnesota, though David Rose’s onetime wife Judy Garland famously was born in Grand Rapids. That’s 250 miles in the wrong direction, though.)

(There’s also a Garland, Iowa, but that’s 400 miles away in a different wrong direction.)

RAJA: Why is Charles limping?

RUTHIE: It’s the lifts in his shoes.

DAISY: Yeah, that and the tight pants.

Yes, Charles is limping rather badly, which he attributes to the “morning damp.” (Fan lore has it Landon broke his foot while shooting this one.)

Suddenly the Judge’s surrey appears, piloted at great speed by Jason the Goon!

How Jason knew where to find them, I’ve no idea, but he relays the Judge’s news that Albert is headed to Olney.

Pa and Garvey jump back into their wagon, and Jason yells, “Any message for the Judge?”

WILL [as HAN SOLO]: “Yeah, we’ll see him in Hell, hyah!”

The Chonkywagon drives off, Olney-bound.

We then see Albert asleep in one of the Quinn outbuildings. (I once slept in hay myself at a French and Indian War reenactment in Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was an excruciating night.)

AMELIA: Does he burn down the whole property?

ALLIE: Ooh, yeah, he should become an arsonist now.

But Albert wakes and hides when he hears and sees the Chonkywagon.

DAISY [as ALBERT]: “Effin’ Pa. . . .”

Pa goes into one of the shacks and walks through some spiderwebs.

Meanwhile, Albert has gotten away and is running crazily through the wilderness.

But soon Pa is in hot pursuit, or perhaps more lukewarm pursuit, given his bum leg.

There’s no way Pa can catch him; but suddenly Garvey looms out of a bush and grabs him.

Albert tries to fight him, but Garvey shouts that they know about the pipe.

Albert grapples with the horror of his guilt; but Garvey gently tells him they must find peace with what happened.

Obviously this is a good Garvey story, but others have noted that except for “Crossed Connections,” the family hasn’t really had very good storylines this season. It’s a pity, because a greater focus on them would have given this shocker even more impact.

Oh well, who cares, right? Garvey embraces the boy, and they both cry.

RUTHIE: Does Mary kill him when they get back?

DAISY: No. She died while they were in Olney.

DAISY: Actually, Mrs. Oleson kills him.

RAJA [as MRS. OLESON]: “My baby, my baby!”

Pa sees Albert and Garvey walking back to him, and he calls out, “I love you, son! I love you!”

Pa and Albert embrace to another burst of strings from the Rose.

DAGNY: Yet another story that uses a woman’s tragedy to explore what’s really important in life. Men’s feelings.

[UPDATE: More than that – reader huntergcrosby writes:

Two-part episodes that start with a tragedy with Mary for the first episode end up being about something else completely the second episode.

Mary’s internal injuries after the horse attacked her starts off with Mary’s illness and surgery. The second episode has Charles off digging tunnels for the railroad. Those two episodes don’t even seem related.

[They certainly don’t, as we commented at the time. It’s a very weird pattern. – WK]

Well, eventually Pa and Alb come home. And back at the Oleson Institute ruin, the whole town gathers. Big turnout.

(Including Mr. Dawson, in close proximity to Doc!)

Hester-Sue is singing (you knew this was coming) “Rock of Ages” at a veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery slooooooooooooooooow tempo.

Aldi is there too; apparently this is a regular church service being held at this special venue. (Oddly, neither Almanzo nor Eliza Jane are there. Out of town?)

Adam then steps forward with a summary of his vacation to New York.

Apparently Adam’s prick of a dad has had an Ebenezer Spraguian awakening, for he’s going to pay for the rebuilding of the school.

With this gift, Adam explains, the naming rights transfer from Mrs. Oleson to Kendall Senior. (Mrs. Oleson makes no objection, at least not publicly.)

Adam unveils a new plaque, paid for by his dad, that reads:

“And may we make them proud,” Adam says. (I don’t know if it’s just a coincidence he uses the same words as Pa did when talking to Garvey, or if there’s another deleted scene where they tell him about it.)

Just like at the end of CBS Sunday Morning, we get nature sounds and no music to take us into the credits.

BUM-BUM-BA-DUM!

STYLE WATCH:

Judge Adams wears a pinky ring (same as last time).

Charles appears to go commando again.

THE VERDICT: The episode that launched a thousand dead-baby jokes, “‘May We Make Them Proud'” is a steamroller of a story, in some ways the Ultimate Little House.

As we noted, it loses points for not really caring about Mary’s grief or reaction – her going nuts is just a launchpoint for the real emotional story: about Pa and Albert. In fact, we don’t even get to see Albert and Mary talk about it! (Or Albert and Andy, yikes.)

Still, for many of us, dark violent melodrama like this is the show at its best. Myself included!

UP NEXT: Wilder and Wilder