“Laura Ingalls Wilder” (Part Two)

“Goodbye Harve”; or

At Least They Gave Her a Good Fucking Story to Go Out With

(a recap by Will Kaiser)

Title: “Laura Ingalls Wilder” [sic] (Part Two)

Airdate: September 29, 1980

Written and directed by Michael Landon

SUMMARY IN A NUTSHELL: Harve reveals he loves someone else, so Eliza Jane goes insane and tells everyone she’s marrying him. Hold onto your butts.

RECAP:

DAGNY: I think it’s weird they never added Albert to the opening credits.

WILL: I think it’s weird that Mary’s still in them.

We begin at once with a previously-on.

Eager for a second round of comments, the show asks us to reconsider several scenes: 

“Our HOME?!” and the obscene lap-sitting/squirming . . . 

WILL: Ahem!

. . . Betty when you call me you can call me Haarrve . . .

DAGNY: Harve does put out all the signals.

. . . “Mother, I’m going to have a baby!,” and Eliza Jane consumed with lust . . . 

. . . Chuck’s exaggerated “future father-in-law” routine . . .

WILL: Would he really go through this sort of smug rigamarole? What would be the point?

DAGNY: Yeah, it’s really performative.

. . . and the punch, of course.

Our story proper begins with Almanzo, apparently on the cusp of harvest season, examining his “crop” – which never grew. 

DAGNY: Always a bummer to see crops in this state.

WILL: Yes, and the Winds of Doom.

We cut then to Manly and Laura going over the loss with Ma and Pa in the common room.

DAGNY: Whoa! Where is this spotlight coming from?

WILL: It’s moonlight through that hole Mr. Edwards shot.

Ma and Pa reassure Almanzo that it happens. (Caroline sounds like she has a mouth full of cotton balls in this scene. Did Grassle have dental work that day?)

Almanzo then turns to Laura and says matter-of-factly, “We’ll have to cancel the wedding.”

Laura is dismayed, and Ma and Pa exchange looks.

Zaldickhead is firm, saying as a matter of pride he won’t marry Laura till he’s a success.

Of course, he has no plan whatsoever for what happens next.

Almanzo then excuses himself, saying he doesn’t want to ruin everyone’s fun (even though he already has). 

WILL: This is so stupid. They have a house, they have a farm.

But when Laura follows him outside, he says “I don’t want us living with my sister.” (Dags suggested this as a motivation last week. (But as I said last week, that makes zero sense to me.))

Then A-zo adds, with what sounds like contempt, “And I don’t want us jammed together in your pa’s soddy up there.” 

WILL: Oh, you don’t, huh? He’s got a lot of opinions.

DAGNY: Yeah. That’s the second time he’s sneered at Charles. This would NOT be endearing him to Laura.

DAGNY: You know, I think I became a Canadian feminist because of Anne of Green Gables. Anne had the same amount of emotional drama, but she always aspired to get an education and have a career. And if you get in her way, she’ll break a fucking slate over your head.

WILL: I like how you specify you’re a Canadian feminist.

Manly goes on and on justifying himself.

DAGNY: Now where is THAT light coming from?

WILL: I don’t know. She looks like she’s in Cabaret.

Then Laura and Manly kiss – not passionately, but not exactly not passionately, either.

Well, this must be Sunday, because when he returns home, Harve is there peering not into Eliza Jane’s eyes, but into her stereopticon. 

DAGNY: Oh, is he looking at naked pictures of her?

They hear Almanzo approaching, and Harve says wait, he’s had something to tell Eliza from the time they first met.

Eliza J reacts with (heartbreaking) delight.

WILL: This story makes me feel like I’m on the verge of vomiting from stress.

DAGNY: Yah, it’s a good one.

But Harve says this matter can’t be rushed . . . so let’s have dinner at Nellie’s this week, where we can give it its full due.

WILL/DAGNY: [vague noises of unease]

Eliza Jane accepts, staring at Harve with puppy-dog eyes.

And then Harve says, “You changed my life. You know that?”

And he leans over and kisses her on the cheek.

DAGNY: OH MY GOD! See, putting out all the signals! 

WILL: Yeah, I imagine that kiss would be pretty extreme in the 1880s.

DAGNY: And it’s her first kiss.

WILL: I know, she looks like she’s gonna sing “I Could Have Danced All Night.” Fuckin’ Harve.

WILL: But he can’t have a clue she likes him. I don’t think he’d let this go as far if he did.

DAGNY: I disagree. I think he knows.  I don’t think it’s malicious, he’s just one of those people who are desperate to be liked. He says himself he wants attention. I think he gets off on it to a certain extent. 

Well, either way, Eliza Jane is stunned.

Manly comes in grousing about the crop failure.

“I’m so sorry,” Eliza Jane whispers – but she’s in another world.

Almanzo goes to bed, and Eliza J races to her diary again. 

DAGNY: She’s in a hurry. If she was the witch from Bugs Bunny, she’d definitely have left bobby pins behind.

Others have noted that there’s a photo of the real Laura Ingalls Wilder on her writing desk.

I’m not sure if this is the first time they’ve used the pic, but it might have been over the hearth at Alice Garvey’s mom’s house in Minneapolis.

Well, Eliza Jane writes Who gives a shit about Almanzo’s field? (A paraphrase, but not much of one.)

. . . BECAUSE HARVE AND I ARE IN LOVE!!!!!, she finishes up.

DAGNY: Oh, no . . .

The next morning at the Little House, someone must have turned the key in Carrie’s back, because she’s marching around like crazy.

DAGNY: I like Carrie’s braids better than Laura’s.

WILL: Really? Are they any different?

DAGNY: Yeah. They’re slightly different. See, where Laura’s are really far forward, Carrie’s tails start properly, a ways behind her ears.

WILL: Oh yeah. Just like Bib Fortuna. 

Forty-Year-Old Laura appears. She’s wearing a new top, properly autumnal in design, and her hair is elaborately styled.

DAGNY: That’s quite a bun stuffer in Laura’s hair.

WILL: Yeah, they probably used bread back in those days.

DAGNY: Oh, no they didn’t.

WILL: Sure they did! Why do you think they call it a bun?

Ma asks her what she did with the acceptance letter from “Radnor.”

Ma advises her to inquire if the job’s still available, and if it is, to take it.

Laura says she will and rushes out.

DAGNY: Oh no, Ma . . .

WILL: Yeah, is she trying to cause trouble?

DAGNY: I don’t know. She might be. She’s no dummy.

WILL: She is not. 

WILL: So she’s gonna accept without telling Manly? . . .

DAGNY: Yeah! Good! [singing and dancing:] “Fuck you, Almanzo/Fuck you, Almanzo. . . .”

(The tune was of her own invention. The dance too, I believe.)

WILL: Where does Laura have to rush off to, anyways?

DAGNY: She’s still in school.

WILL: Oh my God, that’s right. That’s so stupid.

Ma watches her go, her smile unchanging.

DAGNY: Hm. I think she’s trying a little test on Almanzo.

We shall see. Anyways, we miss the whole school day, because next thing we know, the school’s a-spewin’.

Notably, the Midsommar Kid and a gang of supporting toughs are present. (Clearly the MK’s moment has finally come!) 

(Interestingly, the gang comprises Quincy Fusspot and Not-Quincy Fusspot! Not sure we’ve ever seen those two together.)

Almanzo arrives to take EJ home, saying Harve is busy getting ready for their date. (Paraphrase.)

Eliza Jane asks if he’s found a job yet, but he hasn’t.

Laura comes running in, buzzing and bouncing. She got the Radnor job!

But Almanzo simply says, “No.”

He says under no circumstances will she be working.

“Almanzo,” Eliza Jane says, with some steel. 

We know Manly is normally a mama’s/sis’s boy, but this time he shuts her down.

But Laura fights back, saying, “Oh, certainly! By all means! Don’t give anyone else a right to talk but yourself!”

DAGNY: WOO HOO HOOOOO!

She goes on:

. . . No, you listen for a change. I’m not gonna wait two years to get married, and I’m not gonna sit around waiting when I could be teaching and helping the man I love.

Zal-douche-o says, “The discussion’s over.”

DAGNY: Oh, he’s SUCH an asshole. Arrgh!

But Laura snaps, “You’re right, it is. I’m taking the job in Radnor.” And off she goes!

DAGNY: Thank God. Don’t look back, Laura!

“Almanzo, go after her,” Eliza Jane says firmly . . . but Manly turns and screams “NO!!!”

WILL: So Ma wanted him to fail this test?

DAGNY: No, she wanted him to pass. But she needed to FIND OUT if he would. 

DAGNY: I’ll go further than that. I bet Ma thinks God delayed the wedding JUST SO SHE COULD TEST THEM. It’s an opportunity GOD provided to HER. It’s a rationalization out of my mother’s playbook.

WILL: It’s extraordinary.

DAGNY: It’s diabolical.

That night at Caroline’s – I mean Nellie’s, since the establishment seems to have reverted to its previous name!

That night at Nellie’s, a Jimmy Carterish-looking chap is smiling as he and his companion rise to leave. (Carter, that sweater-wearing leporiphobe, would lose the Presidential election that November.)

His companion is a rosy-cheeked lady we’ve seen a few times. (She was amongst the spectators at the arm-wrestling bout last year.)

Eliza Jane and Harve are there too, of course. Harve notices she has little appetite.

DAGNY: Why is her bag on the table? They never do that. 

DAGNY: Or is it her uterus, crawling away since she’s never going to need it?

(Nice) Nellie comes out to pour some coffee. She also notices Eliza Jane didn’t eat, and asks if the food was all right.

WILL [as ELIZA JANE]: “I subsist on a diet of birdseed, mostly.”

Eliza Jane reassures her, and kindly asks about her pregnancy. (If it’s getting on to harvest time, it’s been at least three or four months since Doc diagnosed her, so she’d be six or seven months along.)

When Nellie’s gone, Eliza Jane reminds Harve he invited her to dinner for a mystery reason.

WILL: Fuckin’ HARVE!

Chewing with his mouth open, Harve wipes his grimy paws on his bib, and smiles.

WILL: God, he’s horrible. 

He says you may have noticed, I’ve been acting different these days. (Remember, these two have known each other at least three or four months at this point, presumably having dinner together weekly at the Old Wilder Farm.)

Eliza Jane says sure, you’ve stopped acting so stupid all the time. “Exactly,” Harve says.

He says he thinks his idiocy is just a façade to cover his insecurities. (I’m pretty sure that isn’t the case.)

Harve says at 34 years of age (James Cromwell was forty), he decided he needed to change.

He said he also realized he’s “never said I love you to a woman.”

WILL:  How could he SAY this to her? He’s worthless. 

Landon turns the thumbscrews some more, scripting Harve with ambiguous, easily misinterpr’able dialogue.

And then he brings up Miss Mabel Harkins, of ketchup-anecdote fame.

And the light in Eliza Jane’s face goes out.

He takes a while to get to it, but he’s moving back to Sleepy Eye to pursue Miss Mabel . . . all because Eliza Jane has taught him how to be friends with women!

Lucy Lee Flippin’s acting here is very fine: Eliza Jane’s smile falters briefly, then returns.

For a moment, we see she’s breathing through her mouth. (You can actually see spit bubbles, if you look closely.)

Eventually she closes her mouth into not quite a smile.

In the orchestra pit, David Rose brings in the subtle but unmistakable music of doom.

Which suddenly stops. And equally suddenly, Eliza Jane grins and says brightly, “When will you be leaving?”

DAGNY: She is a boss. And that music was very well timed out.

WILL: Yeah, I thought it was good in the first part, too.

With similar good cheer, Eliza says he’ll be missed.

Harve says he’s sure “Manzo” won’t miss him. (Using Perley Day’s nickname is a nice touch, since he’s supposed to be an old friend. But why doesn’t he know Eliza Jane, then? He’s much closer to her age than Almanzo’s, come to that – two years’ difference compared to twelve.) 

Harve says the situation is a win-win, since now Almanzo can go back to working at the Feed & Seed!

Eliza Jane quickly excuses herself, but Harve takes her fucking hand and says, “You are quite a woman, Eliza Jane. I will never forget you.”

WILL: What a complete fucking numbskull. She should stab him and say it was just one of his ketchup pranks.

But she does not. When he goes to pay Nellie, she looks down at the table for a moment, then recollects herself.

DAGNY: He absolutely knew what he was doing. He was flirting up to the line.

WILL: But if so, why is he surprised when he finds out?

DAGNY: Because the minute he decided to go after this other girl, he stopped giving her any thought whatsoever.

Commercial.

DAGNY: I love Jennifer Garner forever and ever, amen.

Sad music when we return. (Sounds a bit like “Super Heroes” from Rocky Horror.)

To a great image of Bandit leaping over Plum Creek, Voiceover Laura says, “The weeks passed, and we neared the mid-year break at school. In another few weeks, I would be teaching in Radnor.”

WILL: “Mid-year break”? I thought it was a few weeks before harvest.

(Well, thou attendst not, Will Kaiser. If you remember “Troublemaker,” you’ll recall schools sometimes recessed so kids could work at harvest time.)

Last time Ma said Laura’s job offer was “at Radnor,” as if it’s a specific institution, but Laura makes it sounds like it’s the name of a town or city. (Not a real one in Minnesota, though.)

Almanzo drops Eliza Jane off at school – ignoring Laura, who’s standing on the steps.

WILL: God, he’s the worst.

DAGNY: Yeah, Laura and Eliza Jane should make a pact to kill them both, like “Goodbye Earl.”

WILL: Yeah! Goodbye, Harve.

Inside, Eliza Jane asks Laura how long they’re going to continue this idiocy. (I get that question a lot, too.)

Laura says she doesn’t care if it never stops.

DAGNY: YEAH!!! Fuck you, Almanzo!

Laura says being direct is better than being well-mannered any day.

WILL: This has some depth to it. All Eliza Jane’s quirks and mannerisms are to cover up that she doesn’t know how to talk to people. I can relate to that.

That night at the Old Wilder Farm, we see Eliza J meditating, or something.

Zaldamo comes tromping in, saying, “I got some shirts that need mending” – but Eliza Jane interrupts with a flat yet emphatic “No.”

Eliza Jane says she can’t mend the shirts, because she’s going to Sleepy Eye to confront Haarrve. (Actually, it’s the first time she doesn’t draw out his name.)

Then, without looking at her brother, she says, “Laura’s one-hundred-percent right, you know. You’re being stubborn, and foolish, and inconsiderate.” (Her voice rises in anger, though she doesn’t look at him.)

“And you can mend your own shirts,” she finishes coldly.

And the next thing you know, Eliza Jane is parking her buckboard on the busy Sleepy Eye street.

DAGNY: Wow, she almost ran those people over. Did you see that lady’s face?

WILL: Yeah! I think Lucy Lee Flippin is doing her own driving.

She marches into the General Store, seeking Harve.

We see an advert for Kitchen Queen Baking Powder – a real company, but possibly not around till 1898.

We also see the shopkeeper, Mr. Crowley, and he’s just as boring as we remember.

(By my self-imposed rules, having played the same character in two separate stories and across two separate seasons, Alvy Moore is entitled to receive a lifetime achievement award at the Season Seven Groovies. We’ll have to see about that. No offense, Alvy, but you ain’t no Dub Taylor on this show, entertainment-value-wise-speaking.)

Informed of Harve’s general whereabouts (it bein’ the General Store an’ all!), Eliza Jane quickly finds him in the street.

Eliza Jane calls out to him, and they hug and laugh.

Then she makes this devastating speech:

Let me talk first! I love you. I have from the first day I met you! Oh, I know how you feel about Miss Mabel Harkins, but I think you should know how I feel, too. I’ve never been in love before, and so this is very difficult for me – but I think it’s important for people to be very honest with each other.

Harve tries to stop her here, but she goes on.

“Now,” she says, “I don’t see how you could love someone that you don’t know that well.” (Even though she just said she fell in love with Harve the minute she laid eyes on him.)

Finally Harve does stop her, and says, “Eliza . . . we’re gettin’ married on Sunday.”

He says they’ve already made plans to relocate to St. Louis.

Eliza Jane backs away. This time the anguish is visible on her face.

Then she turns and runs.

DAGNY: She should slip in shit. That’s the only thing that could make this experience worse.

WILL: She did great, though.

DAGNY: Oh, completely. She shouldn’t feel humiliated or embarrassed at all. She took control of the situation.

Harve runs after her apologizing, but she takes off in her buckboard.

(In the background, we see it’s time for the U.S. Cattle Ranchers’ Association to meet again, and there’s also an ad for Murphy’s Whiskey.)

Eliza Jane arrives home in the dark. (One of her horses appears to be limping, so she must have gunned it the whole way home.)

Almanzo has been worrying about her, but she bites his head off.

DAGNY: YEAH!!!!!

As if struck by an idea, Eliza Jane looks her brother in the face with a smile that manages to be simultaneously birdlike and wolflike.

Sounding on the verge of hysteria, Eliza Jane informs him that Harve is in love with her!

WILL: Oh my God, Eliza . . .

Eliza Jane says she wants to take the buckboard to Sleepy Eye again over the weekend.

Almanzo says that’s fine, noting that without her, he’s “got no one to take for a ride.”

“That’s your fault!” Eliza Jane says with sudden savagery. We can tell she’s just about at the breaking point. 

Surprised, Almanzo says, “Let’s not start it.”

Bitter and mocking, Eliza Jane says, “No, let’s not.”

(Dags and I were quiet for once – engrossed in the story.)

She’s clearly about to lose it, but she’s not too far gone to snarl “Don’t forget to unhitch the team!” as she exits.

WILL: Whoa!

DAGNY: Yeah, fuck you, Almanzo!

Almanzo stares after her in astonishment.

DAGNY: Why is he wearing his hat this late?

WILL: Yeah. And inside? What a dumbass.

And then he goes to unhitch the team. How many horses do they have, anyway? It must be three: these two, and Barnum. (Barnum was a big chonky draft horse, and these two are standard/basic Bunny type.)

Well, don’t get too distracted by that, because you might miss that Manly rehitches the team, climbs into the rig and drives off, lame horse be damned! (Apparently some horses are worth saving and others not, huh, Almanzo?)

I guess if you did miss him driving off, you’d figure it out pretty quick, since practically the next shot shows him arriving at the Little House.

Laura, still dressed, sees him from her window.

David Rose, for his part, is optimistic about a reconciliation.

Admitted to the Common Room, Manly tells Laura he wants to talk.

WILL [as ALMANZO]: “Didja miss my lap?”

Pa emerges from a shadowy recess.

The young people, or in Almanzo’s case younger people, step outside, and Pa brings Ma a cup of coffee in bed.

Ma references the “bring the mountain to Muhammad” idiom, which was common by the 1880s.

Outside, the peace summit has begun.

WILL: So is he passing the test?

DAGNY: Just barely. Plus he wouldn’t have if it weren’t for Eliza Jane.

But before long, they’re screaming at each other.

Almanzo says clearly her terms are total surrender, which isn’t fair.

DAGNY: As much as I hate Almanzo, he’s got a point about that.

Laura points out she sure didn’t summon him in the middle of the night, so she doesn’t know why he thinks she’d have new information for him.

WILL: She’s right about that, too.

Laura gives him back his ring (struggling a bit to get it off, it seems).

DAGNY: They break off their engagement a lot.

Laura then criticizes him for buying the ring on credit in the first place.

DAGNY: Ha! Just like Charles, cash on the barrel.

In a controversial exchange, then, the couple describes the ring, which features a diamond.

DAGNY: A diamond engagement ring? How could he afford that?

How indeed? I know, he bought it on credit, but I doubt anybody’d give a humble Feed & Seed laborer financing options. (Actually I can think of one person who might.)

In a truly vicious move, Laura criticizes Almanzo’s crop failure.

DAGNY: Ma and Pa must hear them. Why don’t they come out? They’re very involved in this relationship.

WILL: Yeah. Plus they’re so close to the house. They aren’t even at the arguin’ fence.

WILL: Dean Butler’s kind of doing cockadoodie-car eyes here.

Finally Manly goes, “Goodbye!” and drives off.

WILL: So change his mark to fail?

DAGNY: Oh yes.

DAGNY: Well, maybe Carrie was crying so loud Ma and Pa couldn’t hear outside.

WILL: Maybe Albert was.

[both chuckle nastily]

Commercial break again, then it’s back to the Grove, where Pinky Pa is a-sawin’ boards.

DAGNY: I don’t like how he turns to look at shit while that saw is running. My friend’s mom cut her finger off that way.

Indeed, Pa looks over to the Feed & Seed, where Almanzo is a-totin’ sacks.

Strangely, his customer seems to be Hugh MacGregor, the racist villain of “Freedom Flight,” whom we haven’t seen in 51 stories.

Pa switches off the saw and grabs his canteen and his severed-head lunchbag.

DAGNY: What is growing out of that barrel? What kind of plant is that? It isn’t doing very well.

(Actually, if you look closely, you can see the plant is growing behind the barrel.)

Then we get a closeup of Almanzo and his customer, who’s revealed not to be Hugh MacGregor after all, but rather Bret Harper’s former underling Rod. (Manly addresses him by name.)

Pa approaches wary Manzo.

WILL: He should hit him.

DAGNY: Yeah. [as CHARLES:] “You remind me of my former future son-in-law,” POW!

Pa paternally invites him to lunch, and Manly accepts manfully.

Almanzo immediately insults Laura, then insults Pa when he says she takes after himself.

DAGNY: Jesus Christ . . .

Almanzo says he’s positive he’s right, and Charles says, “You know what the word positive means? It means wrong at the top of your voice.”

DAGNY: Ha! That’s quite the whaddyacallit.

WILL: Epigram?

DAGNY: Yeah, epigram.

It is – a preexisting one, as a matter of fact, by Ambrose Bierce, a Nineteenth-Century master of satire and horror fiction who’s a literary hero of mine. (He’s kind of Mark Twain minus the sap.)

The quip comes from The Devil’s Dictionary, which was essentially a syndicated column Bierce wrote over forty years or so, beginning in the 1860s. (Not published in book form till the early Twentieth Century, but we’ll assume Charles read this one in the newspaper.)

Many of the definitions stand up today. Freedom is defined as “a political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly,” scripture as “the sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based,” and so forth.

Without anger, Manly says he’s afraid he and Laura are over for good this time. “Why don’t we just try to be friends and talk about something else,” he says – not unkindly.

Charles agrees they should talk about something else; so they sit in silence. Ha!

Vomiting schoolhouse – Rando Sue, Midsommar Kid, Not-Quincy (with hat), Deepest Auburn, Not-Linda and her little sister. 

Inside, Laura approaches Eliza Jane.

DAGNY: That skirt looks expensive. There is so much fabric.

Laura tells Eliza J she wants to go to Radnor earlier than planned.

“I’m sure that will be fine with the school board,” Eliza Jane says. (Why would they give a shit? Would she have to formally withdraw as a student from a one-room schoolhouse?)

She also surprises Eliza Jane by saying she won’t be coming home on weekends, but rather will “start a new life of my own.”

Then she congratulates Eliza Jane on her success with Harve (awkward), and says with emotion, “I wish you’d been my sister-in-law.”

WILL: Yeah. She’s a lot nicer than Mary.

“Me too,” Eliza Jane says sadly. (In real life, as we’ve noted, Laura and Eliza Jane Wilder were not especially friendly.)

Then we see Mustache Man loading people into the stagecoach.  “Miss?” he says when it’s Laura’s turn.

DAGNY: As if Mustache Man doesn’t know her by name! Come on!

Manly lurks on the bridge, watching her go as the “Ooey Gooey” love theme plays.

DAGNY: Oh, boo hoo! I could care less.

Later, we see Eliza Jane sitting by the Creek writing in her diary. (Looks like the spot where John kissed Mary for the first time.)

She writes:

I know I shouldn’t pretend like this. I just don’t want people feeling sorry for me anymore. It’s such a sad time for everyone. Harve must be in St. Louis by now, and Laura’s on her way to Radnor. There’s so much sadness in the house and nothing I can do. I love my brother so. We’ve spent our lives together. Looking back, perhaps it wasn’t good for either one of us. We always had each other. We never had the need for companionship that comes from being alone. If only I could do something. If only I could do something.

Well, actually, she just thinks this, because we can see what she writes, and it’s:

Dear Diary, This a sad time for everyone [sic]. Peter/Later is too much seen/gas in the house. I wish I could do something. There is so much sadness [in] the house. My [obscured] perhaps we [obscured/illegible] the one [obscured] so much

I don’t know what to make of this, but if there’s gas in the house it shouldn’t be ignored. Not on this show!

Then she races home to chugga-chugga music from Rosie. (There’s a lot of fast drivin’ in this one.)

She rushes to Almanzo, and here’s what she says: “Nothing’s wrong, everything’s right! Harve’s going to St. Louis, and he’s asked me to go with him! We’re going to get married!”

WILL/DAGNY: [gasp]

DAGNY: BOY, is this a brutal story.

Delighted, Manly hugs his sister.

As for Eliza Jane, she even fakes tears of joy.

DAGNY: WOW.

Switching gears, she then orders Manly to chase down Mustache Man’s stage, saying since she’s getting married, Laura can come back to Walnut Grove and teach the school!

“You’ll have the house, you can get married!” Eliza Jane cries.

WILL: Huh! Whatever.

“Oh, Almanzo!” she screams. “Go after her! Tell her you love her!”

WILL: Her acting is so good in this one. She’s gonna be hard to beat come Groovy Season.

Overcome with joy, Manly says, “I will!”

WILL: Isn’t the issue that Almanzo is an asshole who won’t let Laura do what she wants? Her breaking off the engagement had nothing to do with the house.

DAGNY: Yes.

Almanzo then does this weird flailing sissy run to the house, yelling, “I love you!” (As a pedigreed sissy myself, I say this without malice.)

He grabs the ring and takes off.

Heaving with emotion, Eliza Jane deflates somewhat.

DAGNY: Yep. You go to town, Eliza Jane. Do it!

WILL: I’m sorry, do WHAT, exactly? It’s all a lie, she’s got nowhere to go!

DAGNY: She’ll start fresh, go her own way, like Laura.

WILL: Hm. I guess I never thought about it that way before. You mean, like, become a biker chick or something? 

(Our son Alexander rides a Royal Enfield, interestingly. I mean, I think it’s an interesting coincidence that’s the bike in the picture, not that he rides it interestingly, like upside down or something. )

WILL: What would the Nineteenth-Century equivalent of a biker chick be? 

DAGNY: A witch.

WILL: Oh yes, obviously.

After another break, we see Mustache Man piloting his stagecraft – er, stagecoach. He seems to be offroading it.

WILL: Oh, does it tip over and Laura has to start a fire to save them?

Inside the coach, two young lovers opposite Laura are making out. 

I hate when people do that, but Laura seems more envious than grossed out.

Along comes Zaldamo.

He gives her the news, and when Laura says so what, he says now she can take Eliza Jane’s job as Walnut Grove’s teacher!

He says he never really cared if she worked, he just didn’t want her to have to move away.

DAGNY: He’s so full of shit. Why wouldn’t he have said that?

Well, he proposes again, and she accepts again. 

DAGNY: All the wrong lessons from this storyline. Can I rank this episode as both Number One AND Number Twenty-Two for the season?

The young lovers are delighted! I mean the ones who were making out, not Laura and Zaldamo. (Though they are also delighted.)

(Mustache Man’s reaction is not depicted.)

(The PDA couple, apparently a Mary and John Allenby, get credits. Yep, Mary and John.)

Judy Sardo was on The White Shadow and Hill Street Blues, and Kyle Williams acted in some kind of no-budget sci-fi feature called The CBC.) (No, it’s not about the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.)

Laura disembarks, forgetting her bag. Manly says they have to tell Ma and Pa, but Laura says, “They’re in Sleepy Eye for Mary and Adam’s anniversary!”

WILL: For Mary’s ANNIVERSARY? Oh, COME ON! It’s at least a full day’s drive away! 

So they decide to drive straight there.

WILL: This back-and-forth-to-Sleepy-Eye shit is getting out of control.

“We’ll pick up Eliza on the way!” Almanzo screams.

DAGNY: What? Why?

Well, wherever “Radnor” is, it must be close to Sleepy Eye, since Mustache Man is already at the latter when they arrive.

(Perhaps Radnor is an upscale suburb – you know, like Lake Kezia is to Walnut Grove?)

We join the reunited family at dinner at the Garvey Kendall School. Well, Carrie and Grace are missing. (Who took them? Jonathan and Andy Garvey? The Olesons? Doc? Aldi? Nellie and Percival?)

Hester-Sue is there, though, and she immediately makes trouble by suggesting Eliza Jane and Harve get married in a double wedding with Laura and Zaldamo.

Eliza Jane laughs, since of course Harve is long gone by now. 

Manly says they should find a minister and get married at once.

WILL: Mary should say, “I insisted on being married by Reverend Alden.”

Actually, Mary barely speaks, but Charles makes a little giggly joke about not having to pay for a big wedding, and Ma goes, “CHAAAARLES!!!”

Adam says if they get married today, they’ll all have the same anniversary!

DAGNY: Whose dumb idea was that?

I wonder.

In “The Wedding,” we pinpointed Mary and Adam’s wedding to August (of 1883-H, eighteen years ago LHUT), so I guess technically this coincidence is possible, if this is late August of 1884-M. (In real life, Laura and Almanzo Wilder married on August 25, 1885, and Mary of course never married. So let’s call today the 25th, even though we’re still in 1884 in the TV Universe.)

Hester-Sue says she’ll get the Reverend Hartwig, presumably their regular minister, and Charles goes with her.

In the street, we see the Other Caroline from last week’s story behind our heroes.

And then Charles sees Harve.

DAGNY: Oh no, oh no, oh no. . . .

Harve greets them quite pleasantly.

WILL: I know I’m hard on Harve, but it’s a little tongue-in-cheek. He’s dense, but if you read his character charitably, he was just trying to be true friends with a woman, a thing that never occurred to him was possible.

DAGNY: Yeah, and he learns it isn’t. It’s like a reverse When Harry Met Sally. 

Harve says his trip to Missouri got delayed, and then Chuck and Hester-Sue propose he marry Eliza Jane – today!

Harve looks confused . . . but not altogether surprised by this point.

DAGNY: It’s “Bitches Be Crazy,” this show’s favorite theme.

Harve tells Charles he’s already married.

DAGNY [as CHARLES, outraged]: “You’re a BIGAMIST?”

WILL: Yeah! “You know who you remind me of?” POW!

Very awkwardly, Harve offers well wishes for Laura and Almanzo and exits our show forever.

Charles and Hester-Sue – neither of them idiots – wordlessly debrief the situation for a moment.

We did the same, albeit less wordlessly.

WILL: I know I just said he’s not that bad, but I find it so sad he immediately marries Miss Mabel Sinclair or whatever she’s called after learning Eliza Jane loves him. He should have tried harder to talk to her about it first. Like, ever hear of the telegraph, Haaaarrrve?

DAGNY: Yeah. Now he just thinks she’s dangerously crazy.

Eventually Charles just says “We’d better get the preacher.”

They return with Rev. Hartwig.

DAGNY: Is that Captain Stubing?

(No, he’s Edmund Stoiber – mind you, not the former minister-president of Bavaria – who was in Neil Simon’s Seems Like Old Times and Oh, God! Book II, and on Highway to Heaven, the Lucy Lee Flippin vehicle Flo and the Judy Sardo vehicle The White Shadow.)

Adam makes a crack about Almanzo hyperventilating.

WILL: Oh my God, Mr. Ames made the same joke before THEIR wedding! He must be smiling down on them from Heaven.

OF COURSE Butt-In Chuck can’t wait till after the event to confront Eliza Jane.

She’s in the kitchen, affixing gingerbread men to a cake.

DAGNY: What are those, Safeway cookies?

She’s in a good mood, making little jokes herself.

Then Charles drops the bomb.

Eliza Jane is surprised, but she looks Charles in the eye and says: 

I want to start over. I need a change. It was a chance to do something for Almanzo and Laura. You don’t know my brother the way I do – he wouldn’t let me just go off and be alone, even though it’s what I want.

Chuck opens his cake-and-cookie hole, but Eliza Jane says, “Don’t say anything, Charles. Believe me. I know what I’m doing – and it makes me happy.”

WILL: Wow. Nobody talks to Charles like that.

DAGNY: I know. I love her so hard.

“Let them have this glorious day,” she finishes up.

This is indeed a different Eliza Jane than the one who wept on Charles’s shoulder in “The Werewolf of Walnut Grove.” I’ve always found her conduct in this story kind of disturbing . . . and yet, this time around, I think I get it.

Pa also gets it, because when Eliza Jane says, “Shall we?”, he smiles and takes her arm. (Well, of course Charles gets it. He wrote it!)

After that, the wedding itself seems anticlimactic.

But as “Ooey Gooey” swells once again in the orchestra, Eliza Jane approaches her brother and hugs him.

FREEZE FRAME, and Voiceover Eliza says: 

My brother was married today. I’ve never been happier in my life. Really, I haven’t.

Bum-Bum-Ba-Dum.

DAGNY: This is huge. Laura married and Eliza Jane exited.

WILL: Yeah. At least they gave her a good fucking story to go out with.

DAGNY: They did, didn’t they?

They did. And while this concludes Eliza Jane’s main narrative arc in our saga, we will see her again, so let’s wait until then to say goodbye.

STYLE WATCH: Dagny got excited about Eliza Jane’s buttons:

DAGNY: Look at those big buttons! They look like cherries, almost!

DAGNY: Wow, Laura’s jacket’s AMAZING. The costumes have been really good on this show recently.

WILL: Yeah, I gave out a special Groovy for the costumes after Season Six.

(I’m not sure I love the jacket myself, though. She kind of looks like an inkwell exploded on her.)

Charles appears to go commando again.

THE VERDICT: Those afraid of “cringe drama” should perhaps approach cautiously, but fans who correctly view tragic irony as the highest dramatic mode adore this story. Dagny and I were gagging with discomfort throughout – in the best possible way. It would make a good opera.

As for the acting, Lucy Lee Flippin carries the episode with the ease of a Milo Stavroupolis crumpling Jonathan Garvey. Her acting adds to the script’s richness, depth and complexity, and supports Dagny’s optimistic reading of her character arc in ways I didn’t realize till this viewing.

Of course, the story’s really more about Eliza than Almanzo . . . or Laura! (The less said about Manly in this one, the better.) 

And while Caroline is definitely a supporting presence in this one, she’s also written with more depth (and more of a Machiavellian edge) than usual. Grassle is fantastic, as are Gilbert and the rest of the cast.

Plus it’s quite funny, of course.

So Season Seven kicks off to a great start. Let’s see how many more good ones we get before the streak ends, shall we? (Spoilers: It’s zero. Zero good stories. Come back anyway, though.)

UP NEXT: “A New Beginning” (no, not that one)